WordPress provides a stats page. For those of you USING wordpress, you already KNOW this. However, those readers who don’t use it, might not know. That’s why I mentioned it. This is the shittiest beginning to a blog on FiS yet. I’m actually proud of that…
Anyway, back to the point. In that stats page, they provide a list of word and phrases that are put into search engines that bring up your blog as one of the results. It’s interesting. And it has provided me with countless funny things to discuss. Well, not countless. 12. 12 funny things to discuss.
Now, ultimately I can figure out HOW these got to my site. It’s just a matter of applying keywords and finding them within the 50+ blogs on FiS. However, this is still amusing to look at. Who knows, perhaps this can be another recurring section that I don’t use in the blog. Let’s get started.
1 ) “wierd cocks” – I can only assume this was directed to my “Weird Things Found On eBay” blog that was about Cocks. That’s not really the concern here. The real concern is: Someone SEARCHED FOR THAT?! Something is amiss. Even if, EVEN IF, they were talking about weird chickens (which I highly doubt they are), that’s still a bit bizarre to me. I’m going to go on the assumption though that they’re really talking about weird penis’ and just (like me) couldn’t figure out what the fuck the plural to “penis” is.
The real confusion came when I actually typed this statement (spelled CORRECTLY, in my case) into Google. I guess it’s actually a pretty hot topic on the interwebs.
Of course, it was mostly twisted porn sites, and since I don’t want my computer to explode, I only looked at the preview google provides. One paragraph under one of the links caught my eye. It was from a “Cruising for Sex” website. Probably a classy joint. Anyway, this is what the preview says:
“I am constantly amazed at the extreme variations of the human penis. Like from a 2 inch beer can to a 12 inch cigar. So I thought we could document…”
Alright, let me stop you there. I’m troubled by the statement “I am CONSTANTLY amazed…” For those of you who don’t know, “Constantly” basically means a lot of times. That means she (or he?) have seen quite a few cocks, and they have been varied in size, shape, consistancy, what-have-you. And apparently, it’s AMAZING! Wow, amazing. Not impressive. Not interesting. FUCKING AMAZING! You know what’s amazing: That this person doesn’t have AIDs. That’s fuckin’ amazing.
2 Inch Beer Can Penis? I can’t even begin to imagine what that would look like. Does it have a tab at the top to open it? Or do you mean the shape and width? Because that’s called a “Chode”. A penis that is wider than it is long. Consider that your English lesson for the day. Use that in conversation today, and win extra credit points. More if you use it in conversation with your boss, parents, or priest.
Ultimately, this first one was scary, but it can only get worse from here…
2 ) “adult toys made from stuff around the home” - Sure, I can see why this would be searched for. In today’s fucked economy, you have to save money where you can. And costly vibrators just take up too much of your savings accounts. And by you, I mean YER MOM. WHAT?! Oh yeah. BOO-YAH!
Anyway, I understand why it was searched for. However, I’m curious as to WHY the fuck that’d bring up MY blog in the search engines. I’m also curious as to what kinds of ideas they’d come up with if I searched for it. But I’m not going to. Because I don’t want to be black listed by the Government for having “How To Make A Butt Plug Out Of A Kitchen Sponge And Some Wood Polish”.
3 ) “Funny family version of the 9 circles of hell” – This one was probably directed towards my blog about the 9 Circles Of Taco Hell.
But the beginning of that statement concerns me. “Funny family version”. Because, as you all know, nothing is more funny than eternal suffering in horrible, unimaginably painful and gory ways. Family fun version? Perhaps they have their guts ripped out for eternity while wearing silly hats?
4 ) “fat guy in towel” – This stems back to an old blog I wrote that just happened to have a picture of an old, fat guy naked with a towel. You can look at that delightful picture Here.
But, eh, why are people searching for that? I hope that’s not some fetish or something that I’m not privy too. And I hope if it is, I can remain ignorant to it. Wait, I suppose that’s too late now isn’t it… dammit. What has been learned cannot be unlearned. Unless I beat myself in the head repeatadly with this homemade double donger.
5 ) “strange places to ride an exersise bike” – How about: Anywhere that isn’t home or a gym?
Why would you even need to search for this, just use your imagination. Go ride an excercise (exersise not being a word and all) bike at a Neo-Nazi rally. Or maybe in the morgue down at the local hospital. Here’s an idea: Ride one in the middle of the freeway. And when that semi crushes both you and your bike, you’ll be dead. And you’ll deserve it, you weird-o…
6 ) “sex pokemon fuck” – Just… no fuckin’ comment.
7 ) “fat man masterbating at work” – Why do these people doing all this sick crap always have to be fat? Why is it that scrawny shits like me are always left out of strange fetishes? That’s just not right. Why can’t scrawny guys masterbate at work?!
8 ) “i hate you negative shit” – So this is what it’s come to? “I Hate You” and “Negative Shit“. I don’t like to consider this blog negative. In fact, it’s quite the opposite. This is a blog about love and positive light. That is, if you take love and positive light and cram it straight up your ass.
9 ) “funny tiny cock story” – First of all “Funny” is not needed here. Just “tiny cock story” will bring up the same results. I mean, is there any OTHER kind of tiny cock story than funny ones?
But wait. Tiny cock. Weird Cock. And they all get directed here? What the fuck are you implying, Google?!?!
10 ) “vegetable butt plug suggestion” – I’d suggest Zucchini. They are a good length, width, and have two sides with different sizes. Not to mention, they’re nice and firm. You wanted a suggestion, really creepy google search user. There it is. Now please, don’t ever do anything ever again…
11 ) “ebay big cocks” – Another one directed at that eBay blog, I guess. But, who is looking for “big cocks” on eBay? That’s really a bad place to look for them. Try Craigslist. They tend to have tons of that kind of shit floating around there.
And the last one is possibly the worst. Because it’s just flat-out fucking odd. I don’t know how it directed people here, nor how the hell someone came up with this statement, but here it is:
12 ) “Giant mother farts on tiny child” – Wow. Just… wow. I don’t even want to know, do I.
Fuck, who am I kidding, of course I do!
Luckily, it didn’t bring up any actual story of a huge woman farting on an infant. However, it brought up LOADS of websites about farting, and farting related things. And I mean LOADS. It’s astonishing how many websites there are dedicated to farting. It actually just aids in my losing faith in humanity. There are more fart websites than ones that contain actual information…
Alright, that sums it up. If you’re new to the site, I guess that’s pretty much the best way to sum up my website. It’s a site about tiny cocks, farting, and MacGyver-style sex toys.
Sounds about right.
