Pong, Mario, Halo, Rape.

One of these things is not like the other. Or is it?

Allow me to say ahead of time, this will probably end up one of my most graphic and upsetting blogs yet. I’m actually proud of that. And I haven’t even written it yet! The credit goes to my friend, who will now be refered to as “The Guru of Vulgar”.

The Guru of Vulgar brought to my attention one of the more interesting things ever to come out of Japan. And, of course, like most things coming out of Japan, it’s porn. Not real porn. But porny. Child porny. Not real child porny. Animated Child Porny. The term is “Hentai” in case you’re wondering.

Please, take the time to head over to CNN and watch the video about the next great thing in electronic entertainment: RapeLay!

That’s right. It’s a rape game! How fun! This is right up there with that baby shaking application they had on the iPhone for all of twenty two seconds. Or perhaps Columbine RPG, where you got to play out Columbine. I think we’ve pegged down the five things kids love to roleplay in video games: Pirates, Rape, Ninjas, Child Abuse, And Punching Mike Tyson. You know, happy fun times!

And how can this game not be fun? Just look at this classy cover art:

Check out the grope-hands! Seriously. I don’t know a lot about rape, or how to rape, but I’m pretty sure he’s doing it wrong. Unless he’s Frankenstein’s monster, in which case the outstretched grabby hands would work. And that would make the game even more epic, now that I think about it. Frankenstein’s rapist!

Alright, let’s get right down to business and start cracking some inappropriate jokes, piss some people off, then attempt to come up with some kind of legitimate point and fail miserably. Here we go!

The game is simple. You’re in a subway, and there is a little girl. 12 years of age. Oh so sweet and innocent. Not if you have anything to say about it! It’s time to start molesting! You know, just like any good video game, they have to ease you into the hard parts (oops, accidental pun.). A little bit of a training tutorial, give you just the rudimentary skills first. You have to EARN the face-punching and nipple-biting! You only start out with the simple skills, like skirt-lifting and booby rubbing. But don’t worry, things are about to get a whole lot rapier (NOT a French sword…).

Where do we go from there? Well, you stalk her onto the train, naturally.

“The game begins with a teenage girl on a subway platform. She notices you are looking at her and asks, “Can I help you with something?”

That is when you, the player, can choose your method of assault.

With the click of your mouse, you can grope her and lift her skirt. Then you can follow her aboard the train, assaulting her sister and her mother.”

Aww, the game promotes family bonding! Or family bondage as the case may be. The good news is, it’s just her, her mother, and her sister. All females! At least this isn’t a fag child rape game! That would just be wrong, ain’t I right Catholic Church? Catholic Church? Hello! I’m talking to you. Oh, you’re ignoring everything. Sorry, I forgot.

“As you continue to play, “friends” join in and in a series of graphic, interactive scenes, you can corner the women, rape them again and again. “

It’s good to have friendship in your life, right? Except, I’m a little worried about the word “Friends” being in quotations. What’s with that? They’re not your REAL friends, just your rape buddies? Rape Buddy… that may be the worst term anyone has ever come up with. Well, there WAS “Bromance”. So, second worst…

However, it’s the next part of the article that is the crown-taker. A favorite of both me and the Guru of Vulgar.

“The game allows you to even impregnate a girl and urge her to have an abortion. The reason behind your assault, explains the game, is that the teenage girl has accused you of molesting her on the train. The motive is revenge.”

What game is complete without abortion! It sure worked wonders for Space Invaders. Something has invaded your space, and you have to abort it. Makes sense to me.

Not to mention, who gets revenge for being accused of raping someone… by raping them? Isn’t that Double Jeopardy or something? That’s right, Alex Trebek, I’m on to you and your vengeful rape ways!

Anyway, the thing that gets me is how they begin to talk about how “this kind of thing has been in Japan for a long time, but it’s usually just stayed over there”. Oh, so now that it’s over HERE it’s an outrage? I see how it is. As long as it isn’t rich white kids pretending to rape people, everything is peachy fuckin’ keen.

And it’s only rich white kids too. If it was a black-kids only game, the news probably wouldn’t make such a big deal about it. Hell, even if it was poor white kids, it would maybe get a press release and that’s it. But as soon as Todd, the cricket team captain at Harvard gets to wank his 3 inch willy to a drawing of a Japanese girl getting mouth-fucked, it’s bad news.

Oh man I hate white people. I’m not saying that it’s right, I’m saying that it’s true. The media won’t get involved on this level until it’s spoiled white kids getting wronged.

The thing I’ll give the game credit for, no matter how tasteless and fucked up it may seem: At least it’s fuckin’ straight forward. I mean, the game is called RapeLay! RAPE. LAY. RAPELAY. RAPE FUCK LAY! You really can’t play the “I had no idea” card on this one.

“I had NO IDEA it was THIS kind of game!”

“…really? The title is RapeLay? That didn’t give it away? I mean… what else could that mean?”

“I don’t know… I thought maybe Rapelay was the name of a cute animal mascot that you get to run around as and jump on the heads of unsuspecting baddies”

“No, no cute animal mascots. Mostly just rape.”

I love that the CNN report than proceeds to Skype connect to some overweight English girl and her extremely creepy boyfriend. At least I hope it’s a friend. Playing a rape game with a brother or cousin only amplifies the fucked-upedness. She goes on to tell us “I just wanted to try it, see what it was about”.

Again: RAPELAY! It’s about RAPE! Did I not JUST SAY you can’t play that card?! Who plays a rape game just ’cause they’re curious. I mean, this isn’t like other things you can do just because you’re curious. You know, like perhaps stabbing a dude?

I also love the creepy guy that’s with her. Her brother or whatever. He totally looks like the type who’d get his rocks off playing something like this.

“Oh that’s right, you like it when I move my tiny hand-cursor over your poorly designed polygon titties, don’t you little girl!”

So, obviously this kind of stuff is pretty fucked up and morally objectionable. Well, to people who AREN’T big rape enthusiasts. And as you all know, I hate the word “enthusiasts”, so if I use it, I mean business. But what is the Japanese government doing about this? Not answering the phone, that’s what! And you’re surprised? Of course they aren’t taking your calls. They’re probably all busy playing RapeLay! Or maybe even RapeLay II’s beta release, since they are higher-ups and can pull strings and get in on that action. I wouldn’t be surprised if Hentai was federally funded over there. It might as well just be on the flag. A big breasted Japanese teenager. Land of the Rising Boner.

They do let us know what kinds of laws are in place though. Apparently, the genitalia (awful word, may get added to my list of hated words) are OBSCURED! They’re blurred out! Are you fuckin’ RapeLayin’ me?! You can gang-rape a child and her family, repeatedly, but fuck forbid they show the graphical representation of a vagina! I’m glad to see they have their priorities straight over there. I’m starting to feel less and less sorry about that whole Hiroshima thing…

I guess I just don’t understand this whole thing. Who actually gets off on this kind of thing? I’m a pretty perverted dude myself, but even I’m not exactly into video game sex. I mean, even if it was consensual, I wouldn’t really be jumping on it. There is a much better way to have sex using your hands, it’s called JERKING OFF.

Ultimately, the whole thing is hilarious to me. But I do think it should be allowed. Perhaps I’m not saying post giant billboards and take out television ads. Maybe just keep it in the smut shop with all the other smut. But it shouldn’t be banned. It really boils down to freedom of expression and the right of a game designer as an artist. Because they are. As much as people refuse to believe that, game designers are artists. That game, sadly enough, is his piece of art.

And if hand-cuffing a 12 year old Japanese girl to a bathroom sink and sticking a penis icon in her ear is his masterpiece, who am I to take that away from him? It’s not like he’s ACTUALLY sticking his penis in a girl’s ear in a bathroom. It’s not like anyone is actually being raped.

Seriously, I stood up for the baby shaking application. I stood up for the Columbine RPG. And I stand up for this. If tomorrow, a game comes out that is just you driving a catapult around shooting flaming infants at old women and bitch slapping retards, I’d be all for it. And would probably buy it. I love flaming baby catapults!

Listen. Rape is wrong. Alright? This isn’t rape. No one is being raped. It’s a game. It’s a stupid, gimmicky game for a few perverts to wank off to in the privacy of their own parent’s basement while trying to keep the cat from eating their Cheetos with their other hand. That’s all.

I’d like to leave you with someone elses view on this. Someone I respect, a one Penn Jillette. I find this video very good and informational, and he raises a lot of good points. Enjoy!

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m about to go play my favorite game: Ass-Fisting II: Revenge of the Colon Puncher! I better get my HD tv out for this one! I really want to see the shit stains on my characters knuckles!

Fat Cats No More

Nothing could possibly hurt more than being called the countries most obese state. I’m sure Mississippi isn’t a stranger to being the leader in many of America’s worst-of lists. But now it has to carry the rather heavy burden of being the most robust, fat-ass state in the union. Bummer.

However, we’re about to discover that the Government doesn’t like fatties. In recent “news”, Fattest state’s lawmakers shed pounds, fried stuff.

That’s right. The movers and the earth-shakers in the Mississippi government have decided to prove a point. Meet State Representative John Hines. Our Democrat from the South has decided to slim up to make a statement. And it’s not only him:

“Hines and 71 fellow lawmakers, 19 members of the governor’s staff — though not the portly governor himself — and 21 “civilians” have been working out several days a week since January to promote healthful living in a culture that prizes its sweet tea and fried food.”

This article was written by a one Emily Wagster Pettus from the Associated Press. Emily, my love, if you’re reading this: Welcome to my hero list. You just called the governor of Mississippi “portly” in a national news article. You should have just taken it a step farther. Say what you mean to say, Emily my dear:

“19 members of the governor’s staff – though not that fat-fuck douchebag that runs the state himself”

Maybe that’ll get him onto a treadmill.

“They’ve shed more than 1,300 pounds collectively, giving new meaning to cutting the fat out of state government.”

And now you’ve fallen out of my favor. Did you need to throw in the silly pun? Leave the stupid wordplays to me, you take care of the calling government officials tubby. This is how our relationship will work, ok?

I have to admit, that’s a pretty interesting and surprisingly intelligent move on the part of Mr. Hines. If we do the math here, that’s roughly 1300 pounds from 112 people for an average of 11 and a half pounds per person in only a few months. If you want to look at it in another way, they managed to get rid of 13 me’s in three months or so. That’s a lot of me’s!

“Hines, a 6-foot-1-inch Democrat, said he started at “well over 300 pounds,” though he declined to give a specific number. The 43-year-old has dropped 73 pounds — about one-fifth of his entire weight — through the pre-dawn workouts and can now wear a suit that’s been too tight for two years.”

If we play with the math, we can assume he was roughly 365, give or take. So he may have declined, but the numbers tell the tales he refuses to. He almost lost an entire me by himself! That’s impressive, Mr. Hines. I applaud the fact that you’re now just “thick” and not “fat as shit”. I would say you’re “fluffy”, but that would sound obscenely gay.

” ‘I didn’t know I had a self-esteem problem, but my self-esteem has really improved,’ Hines said. ‘My endurance is wonderful now. I feel good about myself.’ ”

You had a self-esteem problem only because after losing that weight, you realized that you were part of the fattest fat fuck state in the fat fuckiest country in all of this fat-fuck planet. We called you fat, and until you lost that weight, you really didn’t notice. The only people that care that fat people are fat, are skinny people. Because we’re jealous. And full of scrawny rage.

“Mississippi has the highest obesity rate in the nation, at 32.8 percent in 2008, the most recent figure available from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. Gov. Haley Barbour admits he struggles with weight and recently tried to deflect questions about a possible run for the presidency in 2012 by joking: ‘If you see me losing 40 pounds that means I’m either running or have cancer.’ “

Centers for Disease Control and Prevention? Obesity is now a disease. You’re all diseased! Everything is a disease now. Alcoholism is a disease. Obesity is a disease. Liking “Dancing With The Stars” is a disease. It’s terrible!

So, I assume that Haley is our “portly” lazy-bastard that Emily wishes was impaled by a sword, correct? Lazy bastard. He can’t show up for the exercise regiments, but he has plenty of time for telling cancer jokes to the press. Classy guy, that Mississippi leader.

I suppose you’re all wondering how to lose a few me’s yourself? Well, this is the Mr. Hines and his crew of chubby law makers work out:

“Legislators go to Millsaps College, a private school a couple of miles north of the Capitol, to run sprints, lift weights and tackle football blocking dummies. They do mixed martial arts and jog stairs.”

Private school in Mississippi. Sounds like a winner. I do love that they threw in “mixed martial arts” into the equation. I wish this stuff was around back in the Bush administration. We could have charged admission to Dick Cheney’s workout and balanced the budget! Wouldn’t you like to see ol’ Dick try and do a Chuck Norris spin-kick? Fuckin’ hell, that’s some pay-per-view level entertainment right there!

“The 12-week workout program has drawn together participants across party, race, gender and age boundaries. It costs $600, but participants in the legislative program aren’t paying. Corporate sponsors are picking up the tab — something that’s not prohibited by state ethics rules. Weekly weight-loss winners receive cash prizes that they donate to schools.”

I love that they had to quick throw in that this was not a prohibited thing. Just in case you guys thought it was ethically wrong that they were working out on a corporate sponsors dime. I know that’s a big worry for all of you. It’s number two on your list, right about health care and education. Number one, at least on my list, is making sure no government official wears socks with fuckin’ sandals.

“The workouts change each day, and none of the exercises is for wimps.”

Oh, Emily my sweetness, you done raped that sentence hardcore style. “The Exercises Is”? The educations isn’t for dumb people either in Mississippi.

What are you implying about wimps though? I’m a pretty huge wimp myself. I mean, I sit here behind a computer and threaten to kick people’s asses and bitch and piss and moan, but ultimately, I’m a total fuckin’ pansy ass wuss boy. But I’m pretty sure I can still do an excercises.

” ‘Pump it up! Pump it up! Keep working! Keep working,’ weightlifting coach Ryan Jones yelled over rock music blaring in the gym during a recent 6 a.m. session. The music was so loud that only the pulsing beat, and not the tune, could be distinguished.

As colleagues did situps and pumped weights, Rep. Mary Coleman of Jackson, a 63-year-old Democrat, stepped up onto a machine to do chinups. She hesitated a few seconds, so Ryan got in her face and yelled, ‘Pull up! Pull up!’

‘I’m trying,’ Coleman said, sweaty and exasperated but renewing her effort. “

I’m undecided about this Ryan Jones guy. I mean, he sounds like a total douche, but anyone that gets up in the face of a 63 year old woman and demands she does pull-ups immediately, is my kinda total douche. It takes a doucheking among douchemen to verbally assault grandma into lifting her chin-wrinkles above that little metal bar.

I’m making a rule: When you reach your 60′s, you’re allowed to be fat. Why the hell bother being thin now? What’s the point? You no longer have to attract people, and you sure as hell have no reason to get more healthy so you can live longer. 60s are the age for experimentation and destruction. I’m fully in support of legalizing street drugs for people that age. And I think to top off the shrooms Granny is taking, she should be able to eat a box of Twinkies. It’s only fair. Let her die her own way!

“The main coach for the workout program is 35-year-old Paul Lacoste, who was a linebacker at Mississippi State University and briefly played pro ball. He goes to the Capitol once a week to report to each chamber how their members are doing. The leading chamber each week gets to keep a marble trophy shaped like the state of Mississippi.”

Oh snap! A marble trophy shaped like Mississippi. That would probably motivate me to… do absolutely nothing. How about you give away something politicians really enjoy down south? Like a free night with a call girl?

“Nadglowski, with the Obesity Action Coalition, said the key for the Mississippi officials will be avoiding a return to their fried foods and sedentary habits when the 12-week program is over. “

“Obesity Action Coalition”. Oh, I simply MUST google that one!

Here we are, the OAC website.

“The OAC was formed to bring together individuals who are facing the often life-long struggle with obesity. Whether you are beginning to address your weight issues, you have been fighting the battle for a long-time, or you have 30 pounds or 300 pounds to lose, you are not alone in this journey.”

I don’t think it’s safe to bring these people together. If you get too many in one spot, you may throw the Earth off it’s axis or shift the pull of gravity. Be careful when toying with weight distribution on a large scale. Also, I think when they reach the term “obesity”, we can’t really call them “individuals” anymore. They’re several people at this point. That’s why we charge them twice for airplane seats.

They apparently throw something called the “Walk For Obesity”. Which, as I’d imagine, is a rather slow walk. To the Burger King down the street. And by walk, they mean “motorized scooter race”.

Anyway, back to the article:

” ‘You talk to a lot of the people who are doing this and they’ve changed so much about their lives,’ Lacoste said. ‘They’re not going out. They’re staying away from the lobbyists’ liquor.’ “

Lobbyist’s liquor?! I’m laughing both because that’s funny and because it makes me lose even less faith in our government. And I had no faith in them to begin with. I now have less than no faith.

That explains entirely too much about this country, if you think about it.. You need a law passed? Get the lawmakers drunk and fat, and they’ll bend over backwards for you. Well, maybe not bend over backwards, but they’ll… lean slightly to the left and wheeze for you.

However, the last words of the article perhaps put the icing on this cake, so to speak:

“Hines, who represents the Mississippi River town of Greenville, said he hasn’t touched alcohol since January. He said his mother is making fewer fried foods and more green vegetables for Sunday dinners, and his family is fully behind his new fitness plan: ‘My daughter said I’m getting sexier by the day.’ “

Only in Mississippi…

Two Words: Chili Grenade

Move over mustard bomb, the geniuses in the Indian military (that’s red-dot Indians, not don’t-hit-on-20 Indians) have decided to turn peppers into weapons.

Don’t believe me? See for yourself: Indian military to weaponize world’s hottest chili.

It just makes me want to cry. And for once, not tears of disappointment. Tears of joy. Joy for the fact that such an idea came up.

“The Indian military has a new weapon against terrorism: the world’s hottest chili.”

I wasn’t actually aware India had a military. Nor did I really consider them much of a partner in the war against Terrorism. But hey, maybe they take all of Al-Qaeda’s customer service phone calls and cause them all to die of brain aneurysms? Wow, they really are top notch military intellectuals.

“After conducting tests, the military has decided to use the thumb-sized “bhut jolokia,” or “ghost chili,” to make tear gas-like hand grenades to immobilize suspects, defense officials said Tuesday.”

Tests? Did those by any chance include the “turkey club sandwich” test and the “green pepper and olive pizza” test?

And wow “Ghost Chili” ! That’s some serious shit right there. Ghost Chili is pretty hardcore, but I feel like we could make it even more intimidating. Why don’t they just call it the “It’ll Fuckin’ Kill You Chili”. Killi? The “Rape Your Mom Chili”? I don’t know.

“The bhut jolokia was accepted by Guinness World Records in 2007 as the world’s spiciest chili. It is grown and eaten in India’s northeast for its taste, as a cure for stomach troubles and a way to fight the crippling summer heat.”

Hmm, a CURE for stomach troubles? I’ve had some pretty spicy chilis in my time, and none of them IMPROVED my stomach condition. Most gave me acid shits. Which, also, doesn’t help beat the heat either. It just caused me to sweat more. Partially out of fear that I was about to pass my own colon out of my ass. You know what else beats the summer heat? Shade. And shade doesn’t kill your taste buds for a week.

“It has more than 1,000,000 Scoville units, the scientific measurement of a chili’s spiciness. Classic Tabasco sauce ranges from 2,500 to 5,000 Scoville units, while jalapeno peppers measure anywhere from 2,500 to 8,000.”

Hey, hi, um… excuse me one second please. SCIENTIFIC MEASUREMENT OF A CHILI’S SPICINESS?! Really?! We have a unit of measurement for SPICINESS?! Does that alarm anyone else? Why would you need that? Science, you’ve once again proved my theory about the Smartards.

Essentially, they’re going to use it as a gas bomb. The sheer heat of the pepper is going to choke terrorists out of their holes. The “chili grenade” is only one use. They also want to make pepper spray for women to fend off attackers. So maybe I should change my suggested name to the “DON’T Rape Your Mom Chili”.

I like this idea. I’m all for delicious foodstuffs being turned into vicious weapons. In fact, I’d like to offer up a few of my own suggestions for other foods we can turn into objects of destruction.

Fruit Cake - Sure, why not? Instead of using battering rams to break down doors, we just load this rock-solid bad boy into a launcher and fire it at the door. Not only will the door come down, but then everything will smell like glazed kiwi fruit. Delicious, and destructive.

Ramen Noodles – Cheap, easy to get a lot of, and a great netting to slow someone down. You’re after a fugitive, and he’s out-running your over-weight out of shape police force? No problem. Just fly over and drop a ton and a half of Ramen Noodles over him. Blanket him in the shit. Let’s see him try to run with thirty pounds of Beef Ramen weighing him down. Plus, we can follow the trail of brown salty liquid to his hiding place.

And perhaps the most deadly of all:Vegemite

Seriously, does that one even NEED an explanation? Think of all the ways you could use it. You could sneak it into their food supply, and while they’re gagging, you could bust in and kick their ass. You could spray it on them, and the heavy sticky qualities would pin them in place. Or you could simply hide all the jars in their caves, and tell the Australians they stole it. No one wants to fuck with an army of rioting, hungry Aussies.

You know what’s wonderful about a bomb made of food? We can use the ol’ phrase “EAT THIS!” more often. And who doesn’t want to see soldiers screaming “EAT THIS!” while bombing the hell out of brown people?

I would like to leave you with a military name for our Chili Grenades: Weapons of Mass Consumption. OM NOM NOoooooOOOOOWWWWW that’s hot!

The Out Of Context Collective

Let’s play around with my blog a bit, shall we? Today, I am going to go through every blog I’ve done so far, and take one line or piece of every one of them that I consider funny. I’m going to just put them here, in a list, with no context. We’ll see if things are more funny, or less, with nothing else to go on.

This also makes up for my lack of wanting to do a real blog today. Here we go.

How many times has the world ended in my lifetime now… five… six?

My Liberal Arts degree will no longer be impossible to achieve.

Keepin’ JIZZ OUT OF YOU!

Then just look at them with meat-juices pouring down my face, and smile.

But when a grown man talks about how one time he “ripped a big one while we were in the elevator, and it brought tears to his eyes”… I have a tendency to quiver a little bit.

He lines the halls of his mansions with your douche-baggety pictures of you pulling your shirt up and showing your abs.

I am no less a man because of the fact I can play my rib cage like a Xylophone.

So your baby was born without a head, your sister has a 300-pound tumor growing out of her 400-pound tumor, and your war-veteran brother-in-law has a piece of shrapnel in his left testicle that looks oddly like Ned Beatty.

A bus is a giant metal device filled with assholes, idiots, weirdos, cripples, old people, cheap businessmen, hippie college students, and a lot of guys named “Stewart”.

How in the name of Fuckity F. U. Fuckworth are those supposed to pierce the necks of unsuspecting villagers in the middle of the night?

I’m all for women’s rights, African American rights, Latina rights, Minority Female rights, Gay rights, Czech Transexuals rights, Half-Woman/Half-Echidna rights, hell, I’ll even support Invisible Skinned Peoples Rights!

That’s a potato with a ton of nails sticking out of is!

Not to mention the fact that I could finally use the little horsey ride outside of Wal-Mart without waiting in line!

If we drained just Rosie O’Donnell we could run a 747 to Europe.

A Hamburger with some 2-week old Seasame Chicken on top, and some of what we BELIEVE was that cassarole from last March. Tuna, perhaps?

Like hideous footwear, and things to stab into our faces to end the pain.

I have to be CAREFUL while removing the film, or else the trapped souls will escape.

It’s a human appendage going up your poop chute like some twisted Jim Henson porn video.

You want to be covered in I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter and have twenty six midgets in little dominatrix outfits lick it off?

Then you introduced me to mental stimuli and erections, and things got awkward for awhile.

And can that little guy stop peeing on things already?

And of course Space Hookers… er… I mean “Space Escorts”

OH man… I would FUCK that toaster, turn that bitch all the way to DARK.

The Hoff, is clearly displaying his man-nipples.

All that is left is to actually cover the thing in fatback and lard and call it a day.

You are delicious and nutritious, but more dangerous to eat than a cheap hooker.

Of course, the Pot-Fairy may go to prison for it, and you’ve seen Oz, you know what they do to fairies in prison!

This is going straight to Admiral No-Shit.

Ghandi was a trend-setter.

Sorry sir, we’ve discussed this with Anal Sphincter, and he see’s no way we can contain the blast.

Don’t use innocent Snicker’s bars for your evil half-assed schemes!

Sexy Professional Bowler.

Skip the cream cheese, and add some crack!

Please send me more pictures of your fuckin’ chicken.

I’d give my whole paycheck to watch a gang of lil’ 14 year old kids bring that dude to the ground!

And you spelt “Cuntface” with a K, you dumb ass.

Don’t tell me the Detroit Roman Catholics condone eating HIM

Now why don’t you get on your knees and let me put these scissors in your face.

I’m sleeping with your publicity stunt sheep

So here, from the bottom of my heart, I have given to you a Stuffed Squirrel Torso.

It’s as if they carved a statue of your face, then beat you with it repeatadle until shards of your own face stuck in your face.

Maybe I’m wrong, maybe that’s what the Queen of England calls her breasts.

So now I’m sticking charcoal in my pants?

You see, they are forced to trudge forever through a vile pile of their own fecal matter.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go light one of my makeup artists on fire for warmth.

The thought of something so beautiful and delicious like cream cheese being mixed with something that closely resembles the black pus that came out of the victims of the Bubonic Plague sends me into a dark place.

Then they have to spend the rest of the “ride” butt-scooting the way down while a fat kid leaps in and kicks them square in the back.

Giant mounds of butts on every corner, on every street.

I’m shocked we haven’t just started BOMBING the homeless.

I.O.U. one mentally-crippling fact that’ll leave you weeping like that did to me.

In fact, if a dude mouths off on his 18th birthday, feel free to kick him straight in the spine.

I saw Mommy doing something to Santa that involved beads and two of his reindeer

Perhaps they have their guts ripped out for eternity while wearing silly hats?

Just once I’d like to see a vasectomy on the sidewalk.

It wasn’t a picture of someone going up inside a girl with a coat hanger and repeatedly stabbing it in the head and tearing it out like a dead squirrel in a rain gutter.

Even Mr. Christ would have to kiss his Holy ass goodbye if a nuke came his way.

Unless it went something like “Hallelujah…. TORPEDO!”

I better get out of the bottom of the ocean or I’ll miss Ugly Betty

It ranks just under “having a pickle shoved in my anus”

Eat my frozen ass with a spoon you wimp!

Sometimes it’s just a giant purple foot sticking out of a toilet.

Toasters are better technology than the human brain.

I’m really surprised it wasn’t a Nazi Condom.

You’d never guess he was the type to invent a robot sex slave, would you?

It’s supposed to be like ExLax for your crotch

She is here today, wearing a vagina emblem on her helmet as a special homeage to her mother and her disorder.

I do not want Green Eggs & Ham, I do not want them Sam I Am. I’d rather have fried chicken and watermelon because I’m a negro, I am I am.

NO LIGHTBULBS FOR YOU!

I think I speak on behalf of handicapped ducks everywhere when I say that you are less useful than a duck that is lame, so it’s a little late for that.

I have this boil on my vagina that is shaped like President Hoover.

I thought maybe he was talking about that one time I ate some bad Mexican food, and I “went Green” for like a week, if you know what I mean.

Squirrels being swallowed up by a black hole is the definition of hillarious.

Well, out of context that all makes me sound like a psychopath. In context… it makes me sound like a psychopath. So, is this stuff more funny or less funny without anything else? And what the hell is your favorite? Not that I care, just askin’ to be nice. Now piss off.

My Money Is On Demon Possession

Earth.

That blue-green spherical mass that resides in the vast unknown that is outer space. Circulating around the beautiful ball of fire, the Sun. With it’s beautiful moon (or at least what’s LEFT OF IT) afloat above it, ever so loving. It’s a rock, that’s all. But it’s our home. And it’s dying.

Al Gore has brought to our attention the need to “Go Green”. I wasn’t sure what that meant at first. I thought maybe he was talking about that one time I ate some bad Mexican food, and I “went Green” for like a week, if you know what I mean. I also “went wet” and “went frequently”. Very frequently, and oh so wet. So very very wet.

But diarrhea is not the point I’m trying to get across with this post (sorry) and so I must move on. In our efforts to “Go Green”, we have come up with many inventions. Now sure, most of them are stupid trends to get dumb hippies to give you money. And the best of these is the ever-wonderful “Hybrid Car”. You might ask yourself: What is it a hybrid of? Well, it’s half-car, half-ugly piece of crap. And that’s what brings me to the Prius. You shouldn’t get one, because apparently they can go sentient on a whim.

Today, I must discuss this story that I saw in the news about the “Runaway Prius”. I have a feeling it may have just been running away from all the bigger, cooler cars making fun of it.

“The federal government said Monday it cannot explain a reported incident of sudden, high-speed acceleration in a Toyota Prius on a San Diego freeway and acknowledged it may not be able to solve the mystery of what happened to the hybrid.”

I don’t know about you, but I think the federal government has more important shit to worry about. Like, you know, finding Osama Bin Laden. Balancing that “budget”. Bringing aid to the peoples of Haiti and Chili. And of course, most important of all, making sure that Celine Dion stays the fuck in Canada! I’m highly suggesting building a wall and putting a tracking chip in that obnoxious assweed.

Apparently, Mr. James Sikes, the poor sap that owns the Prius, was involved in a little high-speed display.

“Sikes called 911 last Monday to report losing control of his Prius as the hybrid reached speeds of 94 mph. A highway patrol officer helped bring the vehicle to a safe stop. Though no one was injured, dramatic footage of the incident captured by local television stations captivated the nation, quickly becoming a high-profile headache for Toyota, which like NHTSA sent in an engineering team to investigate.”

94? Am I the only one that thinks that that is oddly pathetic? The car is going out of control, and it can’t even muster triple digits? Fuckin’ pussy car. Also, am I the only one that has an odd suspicion that Mr. Sikes is playing us? He was out for a fun joyride, and decided to play the “Sentient Car” card that all those speed junkies like to play. I’m on to you, you bastard!

Or perhaps I’m wrong. Perhaps the car did develop a mind of it’s own. And, if I had to guess, it would be a pretentious Green-Peace A.I. that would make you want to punch it. Much like the people who drive it. Maybe we got it all wrong, maybe Skynet starts out as a series of ugly cars? With that in mind, perhaps next time you see a Prius, it might be best for the safety of mankind if you were to slash all it’s tires and smash it with a baseball bat and/or lead pipe until it’s a pile of scrap. Just a suggestion. I’m always looking out for what’s best for the people.

But of course, like all good stories, we have our doubters:

“But Rep. Darrell Issa, R-Calif., suggested the failure to duplicate the stuck accelerator, along with a vehicle design to prevent such occurrences, raises questions about Sikes’ story.

” ‘It doesn’t mean it didn’t happen, but let’s understand, it doesn’t mean it did happen,’ Issa said on CBS’ ‘Early Show.’ “

You mean the failure to replicate something breaking raises questions. So could I apply that to the court of law? What if I took a microwave oven and hit you in the skull with it until it cracked. How could you prove that it actually happened if you can’t recreate the break perfectly on purpose? Sure we can just take someone else, beat THEM in the head with a microwave, and if the injuries aren’t identical to your own, I can be let go on reasonable doubt. It’s only fair, douchenuts.

Apparently, there are over 60 cases of this happening that have been reported. Why haven’t you heard about them? Because no one caught THOSE incidents on camera. This one was broadcasted, so it makes for a better story. Everyone loves visual aid when exploiting someones near-death experience! I know I do!

They proceed to talk about the wonderfully exciting experiments they did to prove that this can’t happen. You know, despite the 60+ people saying it has. That method: STEP ON IT! Sure, the engine turns off when you slam the break, but of course, that’s if everything works.

“Toyota has recalled millions of cars because of floor mats that can snag gas pedals or accelerators that can sometimes stick. Sikes’ car was covered by the floor mat recall but not the one for sticky accelerators. He later told reporters that he tried to pull on the gas pedal during his harrowing ride, but it didn’t ‘move at all.’ “

Well, this guy is obviously full of shit. His car had a totally DIFFERENT life-endangering defect. Why didn’t you say so to begin with, that makes things so much better. Sorry, Sikes, but you just ran out of luck. No, wait, I’m pretty sure ANY life-threatening defect recall is probably a reason to doubt the car company and side with the guy who almost Dale Earnhardt’ed his way out of this mortal coil.

Also, can I just stop for a second and say: FUCK YOU news reporters. “His HARROWING ride” This isn’t a summer blockbuster, it’s a whiny green-peace liberal fucker almost smashing into something at high speeds. Actually, that sounds better than most summer blockbusters now that I think about it. Maybe “harrowing” isn’t too lofty a term after all.

They get into some bullshit about how the thing works, computers and engines and boring things like that. Basically, I don’t care about the mechanical aspect unless you tell me that the Prius can also turn into Optimus Prime. It can’t? Then we’ll skip over that part.

But then we get to this:

“The congressional memo said both the front and rear brakes were worn and damaged by heat, consistent with Sikes saying that he stood on the brake pedal with both feet and was unable to stop the car. But if the fail-safe system worked properly, the brakes wouldn’t have been damaged because power would have been cut to the wheels. “

He must have tiny feet to put both of them on the brake pedal. They fail to mention what you’re using doing when you’ve come to the conclusion you have to use BOTH feet on the brake pedal: Screaming. And pooping yourself. Maybe while he was going green, he was also “going green” in his hemp under-alls.

“Gomez said the best evidence that his client was frantically slamming the brakes is that a California Highway Patrol officer who was giving Sikes instructions over a loudspeaker smelled burning brakes and saw the lights on. “

Oh to be a fly on that police cruiser. I would pay to listen to what that cop was yelling.

“Sir, sir! You need to hit the brakes sir! Oh, those don’t work. Um… don’t hit any children? No, that’s a given. Um… shit, not exactly sure where to go from here. Maybe try to run into a marshmallow factory. Or a pillow warehouse? Naw, that’ll still cause a fire. Here’s an idea… how about you bend on over and kiss your ass goodbye buddy.”

So, the investigation will continue. They’ll find nothing. This will all be forgotten about. And in three more weeks, Toyota will have to issue another recall. Maybe one of their trucks randomly bursts into lime jello. Or perhaps their new cars contain lead paint in the cup holders that could contaminate your Big Gulp. Or maybe the iPod hook up will cause a magnetic storm that will draw space debris from orbit to crash down onto your vehicle. Who knows? With Toyota, at least the fuck-ups are interesting.

And that should count for something.

No “Motor” Skills (aka Attention: Attention Whore)

Gather ’round, children. It’s story time! Let me once again regale you with a story of my own personal past. That’s right, a true story about yours truly. Try to contain your excitement.

I’ll start off by saying that this story, while damaging and life-altering, is in no way quite as horrible as, say, my story about the Phantom Pooper.

Alright, let’s flash back to when I was a wee-lad. About five, if my memory serves correctly. At this point, I was adorable, impressionable, and full of spunk and vigor.

Wow, was I really?! Jesus fuckin’ shitballs what happened?! At some point in my life I turned from this near-obnoxious wonderful child into the bitter, cynical (albeit hilarious) son of a bastard that I am today. To be honest, it was probably for the best.

However, this story takes place back when I was starry-eyed and full to the lid with smiles. A time before I discovered the things that shaped me into me. Like people who wear socks with sandals. FUCK I hate people that do that (not sure if I’ve mentioned that before…).

My mom dated a dude who had a motorcycle. Why? Because she didn’t realize that 90% of dudes that have motorcycles are the people who led to the CREATION of the word “douchebag”. Not the word, but the new usage of it. It used to be for cleaning out a lady’s crotch-goop. Then, we took that word and started applying it to people. And it all started with dudes on motorbikes. Fuckin’ douchebags!

Anyway, apparently we all went on some kind of road trip of some sort. ’twas me, the mother-unit, douchebag 1, mother-unit’s housemate, and douchebag 2. We’ll abbreviate for the remainder of this blog. Hopefully your fragile little minds can wrap around the thought that DB1 = Douchebag 1. Got it? Good, let’s move on.

We stopped at a gas station somewhere. Where? Does that fucking matter? We were on Neptune. Not really, but it makes the story more fascinating.

So, the gas station on Neptune. It was night. Not that that matters either. Night on Neptune is probably mighty cold…

Everyone was off doing gas station-y things. Such as getting gas. You know, by eating the burritos they sell inside? I was left all by my lonesome the big, shiny motorbicycles.

One thing that hasn’t left since I was a little shitling is my fascination with shiny shit. And as such, I was staring in bewilderment at the two-wheeled motorbicycle vehicles. And that’s when I discovered the kickstand.

Are you aware of what a kickstand does? It holds the thing up when you’re not on it. It’s quite important. However, I apparently did not know this.

I heard it. Every one of you, all at once. Like a chorus of angels. Worried, oh so much about Young Counter Culture Clown’s well being. All at once, each of you reading said: “Oh fuck, you didnt?!”

OH YES I FUCKING DID!

The kickstand was no longer under the motorcycle. Instead, I was. And this was no tiny lil’ pansy ass crotchrocket either, this was the full-on douchebag hunk of metal motorcycle. And it was all on me.

Now, I’m a tiny shit now. Imagine how fuckin’ small I was as a five year old. Not that the ladies were complaining *wink wink*.

So there I was, under the oppression of a giant pile of metal. And if at that age I had known the words “HOLY FUCKING FUCKINSTEIN MCFUCKFUCK THE FUCKING FIFTH!” I would have probably yelled them. But alas, I did not know these words, and simply said: “…ow”

After clawing myself out from under the motorcycle, and crawling my sorry ass across the parking lot to MU and DB1, the healing process was in motion.

I would eventually recover, with some minor permanent back issues. And I am better for the experience.

I guess my whole point in telling this story is: FUCK SARAH PALIN!

No, seriously. That fucking useless trash heap. If I ever killed someone… well, it’d be Johnny Depp. But Sarah Palin is like… sixth on the list. But she’s on the list. A rather long list, I assure you, so 6 is pretty high up there.

If anyone ever asked what the term “Attention Whore” meant, there would be no better way to explain it than point to her. Because not only does she define the very term, but she has grown past the definition into a whole new beast entirely. She’s like the Seven-Headed Hydra of Attention Whores. Every time you cut off one of her attention-eating heads, a new one comes up.

“I wanna be vice president!”

Nope. We’re instead gonna vote a mascot into leadership because he has a different skin color. Sorry. Now go away, you annoying ass.

“I don’t want to be a LAME DUCK governor. I quit Alaska.”

I think I speak on behalf of handicapped ducks everywhere when I say that you are less useful than a duck that is lame, so it’s a little late for that. However, when she announced this one, I swear I heard the entire state of Alaska singing that “NA NA NA NA HEY HEY HEY GOOOOOODBYE!” song. With joy in their voices as well. As they should. Getting rid of her as a leader would be like getting rid of AIDs. A cause for celebration without a shadow of a doubt.

“I dont want to be in the public eye anymore”

She said that. She said it. I remember the fucking interview. She said she was tired of her and her family being in the limelight. She wanted to slip away into obscurity.

Then a few days later:

“I HAS A BOOK DEAL”

Whoa, what about that “Not wanting attention” thing you said like… 13 hours ago?! And boy did she milk that book. It was bigger than the fuckin’ Bible for about six months. You couldn’t talk to anyone without it coming up:

“I’m going to buy my step-mom Sarah Palin’s book for Christmas”

“Why?”

“…because I hate my step mom…”

Alright, the book is out, it’s done, it’s over. No more need to yap, right? Wrong-o. She just keeps popping up.

“Family Guy is evil because they made fun of ‘tards and my ‘tarded kid”

Look, I think Family Guy is the lowest level of entertainment next to reality television, but this was pointless to whine about. Especially when a few days later the ‘tard that played the ‘tard on that ‘tarded show for ‘tards came out with an interview which basically called Sarah Palin a humorless cunt. Alright, she didn’t use the word “cunt” but you get the point.

And now, it keeps going. Just recently:

“I’mma get me a reality tv show”

Who the FUCK is going to watch THAT?! Seriously, if you watch it, you’re on the death-list. I swear it. And you’ll be really high up too. If I have to fill the list with everyone that views that show, I will. I’ll get you all together in a sports stadium and release swarms of Cancer-Spewing Death-Bees to take care of you if I have to.

That may very well be the most fucking stupid idea I’ve ever heard in regards to reality television. Sarah Palin is the most uninteresting fuckmouth I’ve ever seen. I’d rather watch six wombats gang-rape a child than watch Sarah Palin for more than 20 seconds.

If it gets good ratings, if it’s on for more than 10 minutes before getting cancelled, my LAST shred of faith in humanity is gone. It’ll vanish like our species intellect. That’s it. GAME OVER MAN, GAME OVER.

How does Sarah Palin tie into the motorcycle story? I’ll tell you: I’d rather be crushed under motorcycles every minute of my life than know that Sarah Palin exists. It’s a far stretch to connect the two, but that’s how I did it.

Sarah Palin
More Painful Than Being Crushed By Hundreds Of Pounds Of Steel

P.S.: Bristol Palin is just as annoying. I hope that whole family gets hit by a space satellite falling out of decaying orbit.

One Fish, Two Fish, White Fish, Black Fish?

I always knew Dr. Seuss was a racist. And this proves it.

“Racist incidents, protests spread at UC campuses”

That’s right. I’m going to attempt to be topical today. Why? Because dick jokes aren’t funny when they’re over-played. Alright, that’s a lie. Dick jokes are always funny, but still.

As always, I’m going to take this article one paragraph at a time. I’ll belittle everything someone says, every weird word choice, and then I’ll maybe kinda-sorta come to a point. I think. I hope. Probably not.

Anyway, let the racist game begin.

“LOS ANGELES – A firestorm over racially and ethnically charged incidents at several University of California campuses spread Tuesday as UC San Diego announced a KKK-style hood was found on campus and students in Los Angeles and Irvine demonstrated against intolerance.”

A KKK Style Hood? That’s it? No dead niggers, no “WHITE POWER”. Just a hood? What if someone had a ghost-costume? It’s not like someone put the hood on, lynched three black people, then lit a cross on fire on the campus lawn. It’s just a fuckin’ pillowcase with holes in it. I’ve seen more racist things etched into the back of a bus seat.

But hey, this was big enough to cause a “Firestorm”. And anything capable of causing not only fire, not only a storm, but a STORM of FIRE is probably pretty serious. Or being blown out of proportion. But we NEVER do that in this country. Not ever.

” ‘What kind of campus promotes an environment that allows people to think it’s acceptable to target people for their ethnicity, gender or sexuality?’ said Corey Matthews, one of about 200 mostly minority UCLA students who held a lunchtime rally. ‘It’s something about the tone of the environment that allows this.’ “

I don’t really think the campus PROMOTES that. It’s not on the cover of the brochure is it? It’s not in the information they hand out in high school cafeterias, is it?

“UCLA provides wonderful class sizes. Experienced teachers. Oh, and if you want to target black people – There is no better place!”

You show me that brochure, and I’ll be sure to get on them for PROMOTING racial intolerance. Otherwise, it’s just one dude who was bored and had a pillowcase and some scissors. Not exactly TARGETTING MINORITIES either. He was targetting Martha Stuart by cutting holes in her cotton sheets.

The tone of the environment? You mean that whole “Freedom of Expression” enivornment? Fuck forbid someone makes a statement you don’t like. But if you were to shove a “Praise Jesus” brochure under the windshield of my car, it’d be ok. The same freedom that gave you the right to protest, gives them the right to make empty racist threats. Sorry, but welcome to America. Wear a helmet. Or a hood.

“At UC Irvine, about 250 people gathered for a “student solidarity speakout” to condemn the recent spate of racist incidents at UC San Diego that targeted black students and another incident last month at UC Davis, which targeted a Jewish student with a swastika carved on her door, said Marya Bangee, an event organizer.”

Well, let’s start with that phrase “Student Solidarity Speakout”. First, you can’t use the word “Solidarity” to protest racism. Because racism is sorta against the idea of Solidarity. And since the racists probably weren’t there supporting you getting rid of them, not all students were together, hence no solidarity. I’m speaking out against poor word choice.

Also, that sorta sounds like you’re speaking out against student solidarity. Maybe “Speakout FOR Student Solidarity” would be a better way to put it?

“The protests came on the same day UC San Diego announced the discovery of a white pillowcase fashioned into a KKK-style hood — the third racist incident around the campus in as many weeks — and a day after UC Santa Cruz officials found an image of a noose scribbled on the inside of a bathroom door.”

Are you sure it was a noose? Are you sure it wasn’t a poorly drawn penis? ’cause if it was a penis, I’d protest. You know how much I hate stupid grafetti and badly drawn penises.

Besides, it’s just a noose. Was there a black person in it? This seems to indicate it was a noose. Maybe they were simply saying “hang me, this is the worst dump I’ve ever taken, I’d rather die…”

Now comes the part where the title of this blog comes into play:

“Officials found the hood, which bore a hand-drawn circle and cross, on a statue of children’s book author Theodor Geisel, aka Dr. Seuss, outside the main campus library late Monday. A rose had been inserted between the statue’s fingers.”

I knew Dr. Seuss was a bit of a racist. That explains Green Eggs & Ham, and that awkward passage on page six:

“I do not want Green Eggs & Ham, I do not want them Sam I Am. I’d rather have fried chicken and watermelon because I’m a negro, I am I am.”

Wow, it’s pretty obvious now that you look at the evidence. That’s pretty harsh…

But hey, what’s with the rose? Maybe they don’t want the black people dead, maybe they just want to give them flowers? Seems like a nice sentiment to me. Are Roses some kind of racist statement I don’t know about? I’m serious about this. Let’s google: Racist Roses. Nothing, just a bunch of stuff on Guns n’ Roses and Racism. Which would make sense. Fuckin’ Axl Rose. He’s just as bad as Dr. Seuss:

“I’m going to drown this slanty eyed chink in this cold November rain!”

At least that’s how I remember that song. Slash probably left the band for this exact reason. Shame, Axl, SHAME!

“Detectives were analyzing the pillowcase for fingerprints and DNA evidence, a university statement said.”

And now we have ourselves a case for CSI. “Who put a pillowcase on the statue!” Yeah, sounds like a decent use of their time…

There are no dead bodies, right? I mean, someone drew a noose on a stale and put a pillowcase on a statue? I mean, there are murders and rapes and stuff going on in California, right? The forensic scientists MUST have something better to do than find one semi-offensive hate-filled person? Right?

Guess not:

“UC San Diego Chancellor Marye Anne Fox vowed to punish the culprits to the fullest extent of the law. ‘We will not tolerate these despicable actions,’ she said in the statement.”

Wow, racism is apparently more series than raping a child in California, because I’ve seen molestation cases talked about with less powerful words as “DESPICABLE”. I guess empty threats and stupid uses of outdated symbols is far worse than ACTUALLY murdering living people. I never knew!

“The hood came on the heels two other UC San Diego incidents: a February off-campus, student-organized “Compton Cookout” party that mocked Black History Month with ghetto stereotypes; and a noose found hanging from a library bookshelf last week.”

Am I the only one that found the cookout thing kinda funny? I know I’m an evil fuck and all, but that’s kinda clever. Note that it said “Off Campus”. Which means, they had a themed picnic in public. Maybe they weren’t mocking ghetto stereotypes, maybe they were just ghetto people enjoying rap music and corn bread? And eh, how do you know what they were doing? Did you show up?

Alright, so the noose is a little much. But again: NO black person hanging from it. It’s a rope. For all you know, someone could have been hanging themselves because they were overwhelmed by the latest exams. Colleges pretty much rape you of your soul and well being, I’m surprised more people don’t hang themselves in the library.

I know this is a sensative subject, but sometimes it feels like they blow it out of proportion a bit. I’m sorry, but sometimes racism is pretty stupid. I’d understand getting mad about that Jewish girl with the swastika etched in her door. That was damaging property. That’s illegal. But come on now. It’s not like they etched it in her face.

“UC San Diego campus police said they had completed their investigation into the noose incident and turned their results over to the city attorney on Tuesday for possible hate crime charges.

One of the students responsible for the noose apologized to the university community in an anonymous letter published Monday in the campus newspaper. She said the noose was formed while she and friends were playing around with a piece of rope and had no meaning as a lynching symbol.

The student said she is not black, but is a minority.”

A few things odd about that. You’re a bit weird for playing with rope and making a noose. I mean, yeah, me and my friends used to do that for shits all the time. It’s the next step from making balloon animals.

I love that she’s a minority. It’s like taking a huge giant dump on it being racism. Oh, unless, and this is a HUGE GIANT NO-WAY-POSSIBLE unless: Minorities can be racists too.

Wow, I’m breaking new ground here, aren’t I? Sorry, just figured I’d throw that one out.

You will never believe this, but the song playing on the radio in the background RIGHT NOW: “EBOOOOONYYYYY AND IVVVVOOOORRRRRRRRYYYYY”. I shit you not. Is life too funny?

“The incidents are disturbing and most likely the work of “outliers” using offensive and outrageous behavior to gain notoriety, said Brian Levin, director of California State University’s Center for Study of Hate and Extremism in San Bernardino.”

Well, if that’s the case: Isn’t publishing a news article and making a MASSIVE deal about it sorta… you know… giving them that notoriety? Wouldn’t it be best to just ignore these people and go about your day? But no, that’d be too easy. Instead, we want to target them and their views…

…which sounds oddly like bigotry…

NAW! It’s only bigotry if it’s ideas you like. Hating them for their views on the world isn’t bigotry at all. It’s justice!

“He said surveys show young people are less prejudiced than ever, but “these things touch a nerve, and these folks know it.”

UCLA demonstrators called on administrators to institute a required ethnic studies course that would teach students about other cultures.

‘It would be a very strong and powerful statement for diversity,’ said Kent Wong, a speaker at the rally and director of UCLA’s Center for Labor Research and Education.”

Really? You think that’ll do it? A class? Sure, we don’t KNOW other cultures exist or what they are, because everyone who is a racist is an ignorant piece of shit who knows nothing about anything. All racists are stupid.

So how do we stop that? We force them to take a class, which’ll just waste their own personal money and the schools funding. All in the name of, what, convincing them their views are wrong?

That sounds like forced prayer in schools. That sounds like forcing creationism in science classes.

If any of those examples, guess what: They don’t change, nor would they change, anyones views on anything. Interestingly enough, people develop their views, not out of ignorance, but out of their own personal beliefs. Remember those? Remember when not everyone HAD to think the same? No, of course you don’t. You are in the PC culture, and that door was shut a long time ago.

Now, let me back peddle here and discuss the concept at hand: Offensive material. Minorities find this offensive. Alright, that’s their choice. I understand picking things to be pissed off about when you feel personally targeted. But it’s just that: Picking.

You pick and choose what is offensive, what is alright to display, what is considered bigotry and what isn’t. If you wanted to have a Black History month party and put up flyers and banners, you’d be alright in doing so, right? What if those racists find that offensive? Hmm? They are, by definition, the minority on that view. And that means you’re offending a minority.

It may not be a minority that has a history of being slaves. There is no past of atrocities done to racists, but the fact remains: You’re still targeting a minority.

These aren’t hate crimes. A hate crime is dragging a black person behind a truck until their dead. These cases are vandalism, and they should be viewed as only that.

I also, by the way, don’t see sexism getting as much attention. I mean, if I were to draw a penis or write “For a Good Time, Call Susie” on the bathroom stale, it would be sexist, right? But no one ever makes a fuss about that.

Sexism isn’t important. Here that ladies? Get back in the fucking kitchen.

Look, my point is: sometimes you need to let things go. If you give these people their attention, if you attack them and punish them, it’ll only fuel fires down the road.

Oh, and if you’re a minority and you’re offended by this: Deal with it. I’m offended by people coming to my door telling me about Jesus. I’m offended by you showing me a picture of an aborted fetus on the bus. Hell, I’m REALLY offended by people who wear socks with sandals. But the things I find offensive don’t matter. I can’t start a rally against religion being shoved down my throat. Because obviously atheists are never targeted by bigotry or hatred.

I just realized none of this was that funny, but the point is made. I promise: More dick jokes in the future. Maybe some poop jokes too. No more topical rants. I promise.

Did Darwin Have A Theory On De-Evolution?

Compliments of Merriam-Webster

Fast: Characterized by quick motion, operation, or effect:

1) moving or able to move rapidly, swift
2) taking a comparatively short time
3) imparting quickness of motion
4) accomplished quickly
5) agile of mind

Could someone please send that definition to the makers of the “Fast Lane” self-checkout lane at Cub Foods grocery store, and it’s users if possible.

I’ve never been so astonished by human stupidity as I have been while watching people attempt to figure out the self-checkout lane. For those of you who haven’t witnessed these things in action, allow me to give you a brief summary.

Looks like some Star Trek shit, don’t it? It’s actually a fairly simple device. You follow the on-screen prompts, scan your stuff, bag it, pay and get the fuck out. Or so I thought. Apparently, what you really do is stare blankly at the screen and ponder each decision as if the wrong choice could activate a nuclear countdown and kill off the human population.

And it doesn’t even take a small amount of intellect to use one of these. In fact, you don’t even really need to be literate. It TALKS to you. Got that? It fucking walks you through it like a life coach. “Please scan your first item”. That means: Please scan your first item. “Please take your change”. That means: please take your change. It doesn’t get too much more clear-cut than that.

And if people telling you what to do is still too complicated, they also show you PICTURES! They give you moving pictures that SHOW you what to do. Now you don’t even have to comprehend speech, you just have to imitate what’s happening in front of you. Monkeys can do that, mother fucker, why can’t YOU grasp it?!

I spent twenty five minutes waiting in line to use one of these things the other day. There were FOUR of them, and each one was taken up by people who, frankly put, I’m surprised were even able to dress themselves that morning let alone get to the grocery store. And I got to watch as my fellow human beings de-evolved right before my very eyes.

As if I needed any more proof than this, allow me to tell you of a few more instances of human stupidity that are proving my point that we’re moving in the wrong direction in the evolutionary pathway.

1) “A Drunk” made it’s triumphant return to my life! – That’s right, it’s BACK! I sat in the exact same seat on the exact same bus and witnessed the exact same dumb-ass carving. At least I hope it’s the same one. I really hope someone didn’t repeat this process on yet another bus. As I stared at it AGAIN, I began to wonder if I was stuck in some kind of endless Groundhog Day-esque loop of suffering. As if I was being tested.

“Alright, Bob, we’re going to re-expose you to something that almost lead to a mental breakdown last time, and we’re going to see if you can keep from stabbing out both your eyes the second time.”

I can assure you I did, but it took a lot out of me. So I figured, why not wander the skyways in Downtown Minneapolis to cool my head a bit? Unfortunately, that’s where I witnessed case number two.

2) GUY Guys - Now, when you sit down to watch a television show or movie, you often see a stereotypical type of man: The horny perverted brainless slug type. You know the ones. The ones that drop onto bar stools and drop stupid pickup lines. The ones that say things such as “CHECK OUT THE TITS ON HER!” to complete strangers. The real die-hard jerk-off pigs. Did you know they actually exist? And they’re far worse than their fictional counterparts.

I had the unfortunate luck of being stuck behind two of these wonderful upstanding citizens as I walked. First and foremost: They were disgusting to look at. Fat, hairy, uncleaned, poorly dressed. They were pigs, without a doubt. And to make things worse, EVERY time a woman with a decent body walked by, they, as if their heads were attached to her ass via string, would turn IN UNISON and check out her ass as she walked away. I emphasis the concept of “In Unison”. It’s as if they were one. They moved as one. They widened their eyes as one.

Could they get more annoying? Sure they could. One of them could WHISTLE at a girl.

WHISTLE! I thought that was a myth. I didn’t think men actually did that to attractive women. I thought it was all made up. Nope. The guy whistled at a girl.

And to make matters worse, bozo numero dos decided to swing back with an even less classy response to his friends audible dumbassedness.

“That wasn’t me, honey. I would never treat a pretty lady such as yourself like that.”

Yes you would. But you figured if you pull out the “nice guy” approach, you’d… what, get a blowjob right there on the escalator? I didn’t see the girls face, but I could actually FEEL her eyes rolling from where I was walking.

I couldn’t take much more, so I cut my loses and got onto the second bus to make my way home. I could make it home without anything else terrible happening, right?

You know by now this is not the case. Wish I would have known that before getting on the second bus. ’cause if I knew what I’d witness 30 blocks later, I’d have thrown myself UNDER the bus instead of getting inside it.

3) Mr. Sag E. Pants - Who’s that coming up the aisle towards me? Why yes, it’s Mr. Sag E. Pants. And boy are his pants a-saggin’. So much so, that he is actually HUNCHED OVER holding the waistband of his pants somewhere around the gray area between his shins and knees. It looked as if he actually froze in time JUST as he was starting to pull them up. And he was WALKING like this. Either he was in-transit mooning the bus driver, or he was taking a dump on the go. That, or he’s a moron. I’m leaning towards the latter myself, how ’bout you?

I’ve never understood the pants-sagging clothing fad. I can understand if the pants sag A LITTLE, but down to the tops of your fucking FEET?! And in the dead of winter, no less. Why not just fuckin’ go pants-less? It’d save you a ton of trouble.

Now, as I think about this, I think about one of the worst things I’ve ever witnessed. And yes, I will share it with you, but I’m going to give you a moment to prepare. Consider this a warning. What I am about to show you could damage you greatly. If you are in an area without a vomit-recepticle, may I suggest getting a bucket handy before moving to the next piece of this blog.

Are you good? Alright, let’s continue shall we.

Someone once informed me about pants actually manufactured to appear sagging. Here is a picture, in case you don’t believe me.

That’s pretty bad, ain’t it? Don’t worry, I wouldn’t put it up if I couldn’t make it even worse. If you’re still with me, let’s take a look at the FRONT of these beauties.

Well, that’s just plain ol’ hideous, ain’t it. I’d wear them, if I didn’t have ANY sense at all. I mean NONE. Not ONE inkling of sense in my whole being.

It did get worse, however. Apparently, out there somewhere, there are also pants that exist with BOXER SHORTS stitched to the waste. So basically, it’s boxers, then pants, all in one. I luckily can’t seem to find a picture to back this up, so maybe it was only made up by the demons in my head. Oh, and if you do find a picture: Please do NOT feel free to send me the picture. I don’t want to see it. I can’t take it. It’ll destroy me.

One good thing DID come from this though. It made it so I don’t feel AS bad about the High Heeled Sneakers.

So let’s keep the ball rolling with a news story that struck my eye. About the latest in technological advancement. I’m of course talking about the ROBOT GIRLFRIEND!

That’s right, the Roxxxy Sex Robot is here! Too late for Christmas, perhaps, but just in time for Valentine’s Day! No more shall you be lonely on Valentine’s Day when you have THIS pretty lady at your disposal:

Sure, I’d hit that. Or flee from it in terror, not sure yet.

That, by the way, is the creator who is fondly adjusting her head. You’d never guess he was the type to invent a robot sex slave, would you? He doesn’t look like a creeper at all.

These are all just cases that are slowly draining my faith in mankind. As if I had much faith left to sap out of me to begin with. I do believe, however, that it helps push my case that the human race is actually de-evolving.

We’ve already seen it in speech. Back in Elizabethan times, we spoke with such elegance and word-variety. As it kept going, as we reached America, our language began to slowly get filled with contractions, shorter words, and slang.

Then we reached the internet age. As we began “web speak”, new, shortened versions of words came into practice. “Ur” replaced “Your”. “Thx” replaced “Thanks”. “Rly” replaced “Really”.

Then came the abbreviations. LOL. IDK. TY. They came in waves, more and more as years progressed.

Then we got to the text-message stage. These became over-used. No longer were there a few of them, we basically ended up with abbreviations or shortened words for almost EVERYTHING that could be said.

We even got to the point where people started saying them OUT LOUD. I’ve heard, on more than one occasion, someone say “LOL” out loud. It hurt my ears. I, of course, told them to STFU!

This is really only one step away from caveman speak again. Communicating with grunts and roars. We will start dying off in droves because we can’t understand that “OOO GAH GRRR” means “Look out, you’re about to be hit by a garbage truck!”

The human species is going to de-evolve itself out of existence. And I, for one, say good riddance.

Or is that “GR”?

Read MY Mind, Fuckers!

The airports want to read your minds. Don’t believe me? Look Here.

That’s right, they’re working on introducing new technology that can actually read you like a book.

Here’s their scenario, to try and win you over:

“A would-be terrorist tries to board a plane, bent on mass murder. As he walks through a security checkpoint, fidgeting and glancing around, a network of high-tech machines analyzes his body language and reads his mind.

Screeners pull him aside.

Tragedy is averted.”

He’s fidgeting and looking around, and the scanners read him as a terrorist. What if he’s just going off to Hawaii to cheat on his wife? What if he’s nervous because he’s on a business trip and heading towards a big client meeting? What if he just really has to take a crap and is worried that his “Wide Stance” may confuse homosexual bathroom perverts into thinking he wants to ass-fuck? Or perhaps he just DID get ass-fucked, and he’s worried about AIDs? All of these things are very possible. Probably far the fuck more possible than an actual terrorist attack.

Also, the machine doesn’t “read his mind” anymore than Casino security cameras do. They just pick up on body language. That is NOT mind reading. The fact they have to use the term “Mind-Reading” when they’re promoting this, is because they want it to sound more amazing than it actually is. Casinos have been using this shit for years, it’s nothing new. The fact that we’re just now applying this to something that actually friggin’ matters is a sad thing indeed.

Now comes the next problem. What if you pull someone aside, can you prosecute them for NOT doing something that they were going to do? What’s next, arresting me for THINKING about murdering our President? If I can’t kill Obama in my own HEAD, what else is there?

I assume they would then search Mr. Sweaty McFidgit and find bombs and knives and shit. Stuff that normal security supposedly already finds. Hint Hint, Wink Wink, Nudge Nudge. This really makes me doubt that our current systems work, if they have to resort to Star Trek-style shit to get the job done. Way to fuck up the whole “Faith in Airport Security” thing.

“As far-fetched as that sounds, systems that aim to get inside an evildoer’s head are among the proposals floated by security experts thinking beyond the X-ray machines and metal detectors used on millions of passengers and bags each year.”

Evildoer’s? Did George W. Bush write this article? Who the fuck actually uses the term “Evildoer” in a serious article? Now I KNOW this is just a science-fiction piece. Evildoer? Terrorism is a little bit beyond “Evil-doing”. Unless you’re putting this machine to work just to catch The Joker, you aren’t looking to stop “Evildoer’s”

This is apparently what Obama (who I can’t even THINK of killing now) had to say about the whole thing: “In the never-ending race to protect our country, we have to stay one step ahead of a nimble adversary.”

We’re not playing tag asshole, we’re preventing terrorists. And if you can’t stay one step ahead of someone with 50 pounds of explosives strapped to their chest, you’re a lazy fuck. Which I guess, ultimately, describes America just dandy. Now that I think of it that way, that’s the smartest thing Obama has ever said.

It gets worse from here, however:

“The ideas that have been offered by security experts for staying one step ahead include highly sophisticated sensors, more intensive interrogations of travelers by screeners trained in human behavior, and a lifting of the U.S. prohibitions against profiling.”

Fantastic idea. Let’s make racism part of our security system again. Racism is the most effective means of security. However, it also tempts me, as a regular ol’ fashion cracker, to go and blow up a plane. I won’t. But the thought is there. Of course, you already knew that ’cause of your mind-reading machine. Fucking idiots. You just want an excuse for racism to be ok again.

They actually tell you WHY they’re for profiling later in the article.

“Some argue that policies against profiling undermine security.

We call these people “Bigots”.

Baum, who is also managing director of Green Light Limited, a London-based aviation security company, agrees profiling based on race and religion is counterproductive and should be avoided. But he argues that a reluctance to distinguish travelers on other grounds — such as their general appearance or their mannerisms — is not only foolhardy but dangerous.

General appearance? You mean “Well, that guy appears to be brown…”

‘When you see a typical family — dressed like a family, acts like a family, interacts with each other like a family … when their passport details match — then let’s get them through,’ he said. ‘Stop wasting time that would be much better spent screening the people that we’ve got more concerns about.’

When I see a family like that, I think: Family of Terrorists. Terrorists aren’t stupid. If that’s how you’re going to play it, they’ll pretend to be normal families. We always assume they’re idiots and psychopaths, but they’re actually smart people. Don’t let American arrogance get the best of you, dammit.

U.S. authorities prohibit profiling of passengers based on ethnicity, religion or national origin. Current procedures call for travelers to be randomly pulled out of line for further screening.

Scrutinizing 80-year-old grandmothers or students because they might be carrying school scissors can defy common sense, Baum said.

Oh, Baum, you defy common sense. How about we STOP random screening? It’s pointless anyway.

“We need to use the human brain — which is the best technology of them all,” he said.

False. Toasters are better technology than the human brain. The human brain is the WORST technology of them all. The human brain is what thought up racism and terrorism in the first place. It’s also biased. Machines aren’t. You want proof the human brain sucks? Just listen to yourself TALK Mr. Baum. That’s the human brain at work, you contradictory idiot.

I may need to go lie down. That’s a lot of stupid for one man to process. Let me take a breather and get my thoughts on this together. This may take awhile…

They continue with some of their other ideas. Most of which make sense, I suppose. Like the mind reading.

“The aim of one company that blends high technology and behavioral psychology is hinted at in its name, WeCU — as in ‘We See You.’ “

Don’t get cute with me, shithead. “WeCU” Really? I’m going to trust someone with my security when they have to rely on a fuckin’ PUN for their company name? That kind of name pun is peachy if you’re running a toy store or a fast food restaurant. You’re running a national security company? Time to get serious. How about calling your company “Don’t Even Fuckin’ Try It Technologies”. Bet no one will fuck with you then.

The thing that worries me is, a lot of this is based on airport security in Israel. Because when I think safety, I think a country littered with human-bomb caused pot holes. You aren’t even safe outside on the streets in Israel.

But apparently, they have the most secure airports in the world according to the article. How the fuck did we let that happen?! How is it that America leads in all sorts of different areas, but Israel kicks our ass when it comes to something important like “Not being Killed”.

They finish the article strong, with a calling for privatization of airport security. Take it out of the hands of the Government, and put it in the hands of a private company. Like Mac! Sure, why not. Introduce the new “iSeeThatBombInYourShoes.”.

“Especially since 9/11, the trend has been toward standardizing security procedures to ensure all airports follow the best practices. But Harper argues that decentralizing the responsibility would result in a mix of approaches — thereby making it harder for terrorists to use a single template in planning attacks. “

Wow, it took us this long to figure that one out? Are we beginning to give the terrorists some fuckin’ CREDIT?! I know we aren’t supposed to like them, but we can’t assume they’re fucking idiots either. Ever watched a news report about terrorists? It makes you feel like a dumbass, doesn’t it? They know more about America than we do, and that’s really sad. Our kids don’t know anything, and they grow up to be idiots. Then they get jobs as Airport Security, and spend the rest of their lives finger-fucking business men and college students hiding pot from Amsterdam in their colon.

The thing is, airport security isn’t as important as people make it sound. Take a look at these figures.

If you’d like to read the actual article, just go Here.

I do think I’d take those chances. Perhaps our security is just fuckin’ fine the way it is. We don’t need to waste more tax money on crazy technology.

One last hilarious article before I wrap this up. according to The Guardian, “New scanners break child porn laws” . I couldn’t have thought up something more funny than that if I tried. Airport security perverts! Checkin’ out children with your x-ray machines. That’s just wrong. But you never know, those kids may be terrorists.

Anyway, I think that about wraps it up. If you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go make sure the CIA knows where to pick me up for writing about killing the President. I wouldn’t ACTUALLY kill him. But apparently just thinking it is enough these days.

See you guys in a year when I get let out of Prison. Unless you’re that college student with the pot I mentioned earlier, in which case you’ll be in prison for the next 300 years. Because we know how to keep this country secure. Hint Hint, Wink Wink, Nudge Nudge.

Crime And Hot Dish

The two things the Midwest is fantastic at.

We’re great at hot dish, and we’re stunning at making crime fun and exciting. Perhaps I should provide a few pieces of proof to back up this claim. I can do that. First, we have the Tatter Tot Hot Dish.

Oh, you meant provide proof of the CRIME part. I can do that too. I have two news stories that happened recently that seriously make me love living in the middle of the country. The snowfall and sub-zero temperatures are really great at fueling sociopaths.

Let’s jump right into case number one: “Minneapolis Stabbing Allegedly Out Of Curiosity”.

That’s right, friends. Curiosity didn’t just kill the cat, it apparently also stabbed a dude. For poops and chuckles.

“A Wisconsin man is accused of stabbing a Minnesota man on Christmas because he wanted ‘to see what it felt like.’ “

Nothing like a little Wisconsinite-on-Minnesotan crime to brighten up the holidays and bring forth the Christmas cheer. You’ve got to applaud someone who’s willing to get arrested just out of wondering what it feels like to stab someone. Who HASN’T had that thought at least thirty or forty hundred times in their life? Who hasn’t wondered what it’d feel like to shank a dude in the rib cage, just for the fuck of it?

I can understand where this total nutcase is coming from. I’ve had many a thought along these same lines. I know that comes as a surprise, what with me being so together and obviously not fuck-crazy, but yes, I have had these thoughts. Thoughts such as “I wonder how close to fully engulfed in flame I could get that old lady over there” and “If I took out my cock and peed on that guy, how would he react?” and “I bet I could throw that screaming baby at LEAST thirty feet…”

The only difference between me and “Twenty-nine-year-old Nicholas Leigh Tretter of River Falls, Wis.”, is I don’t DO THIS SHIT FOR REALZIES!!!

“Prosecutors say Tretter followed the man off a Minneapolis bus Friday. As the man walked away, Tretter allegedly ran up and stabbed him from behind, continuing to stab him as he collapsed.”

And people wonder why I don’t want to ride the fuckin’ bus! As if I didn’t have enough to worry about while riding the bus. Am I sitting in a seat that was previously occupied by a crazy guy who pooped his pants? Is that guy over there with the lazy eye looking at me, or is that just the eye? Did the bus driver just spit up blood? Why am I the only white guy here? Now I have to also worry that someone is going to just up and stab me? Fantastic. Really. I’m so fuckin’ stoked to know that that is a possibility.

I don’t know about you guys, but I’m pretty much set in my beliefs that I do not wish to be stabbed. Ever. Not even curious how it feels. In fact, if I went my whole life without ever having a knife plunged into my kidney by someone, I wouldn’t even be the slightest bit disappointed. “Being Stabbed” isn’t even in the top ten thousand things I want to have happen to me in my life. It ranks just under “having a pickle shoved in my anus”. And believe me, that’s really fucking low on my list.

I love the last piece of that sentence though. “continuing to stab him as he collapsed.”. Well, at least he didn’t half ass it. What conviction! He didn’t stop at one poke, he made damn sure the job was done right. If you’re going to do something, you might as well do it well. Kudos to you, Nick, for taking it to the limit.

“The victim had a 4-to-6-inch cut on his neck as well as stab wounds to his back and left side.”

I’d like to point out the guesstimation that the medical examiner took at the size of the gash. He ballparked it. “Meh, it’s like… four, five… maybe three feet or so in length, it’s really hard to tell.”

The only thing that is disappointing, is Nick turned himself in! Come on man, if you’re going to go randomly stab someone for fun, at least make a game of it. See how long you can avoid getting arrested. See if you can frame someone for it. I was on your side, but then you pulled this shit. You fuckin’ wimp! This was the perfect crime. No motive! I’m pretty sure “Just ’cause” isn’t a motive in the minds of police. No one is going to think this was an experiment! You could have easily gotten away with it. But no, you had to “do the right thing” and “take responsibility for your actions”. How pathetic.

In summary: This is why people from Wisconsin should stay the fuck in Wisconsin.

Alright, let’s move on to our second, and even more interesting story: Minnesota Man Accused Of Threatening Teen With Sword.

Now this is my kind of story! Anytime the word “Sword” appears in a headline, you know it’s gonna be friggin’ sweet!

“A Richfield man is accused of abusing his girlfriend’s teenage son, breaking his nose and threatening to cut him open with a samurai sword.”

Yeah, that pretty much qualifies as abuse alright. I love the escalation.

-I’m going to abuse him!

-I’m going to break his nose!

-I’m going to SPLIT HIM IN HALF WITH A SWORD!

“Forty-four-year-old Craig J. Kurzawski was charged Tuesday with a felony count of making terroristic threats and a gross misdemeanor count of malicious punishment of a child.”

If anything, “terroristic threats” just about sums it up. If anything is going to strike terror into someone, it’s the prospect of being split the fuck in HALF! And “Malicious Punishment” is a pretty fuckin’ correct term too. We would have also accepted: CRAZY ASS PSYCHOPATHIC BEHAVIOR!

“The teen’s mother tells authorities Kurzawski punched the 14-year-old in the face and torso while forcing him to do push-ups, sit-ups and squats.”

Ah-HA! The plot thickens. Now excercise is involved! I knew working out was bad for you! First of all, I’d like to comment on how difficult it would probably be to do push-ups when someones hammering you in the torso. In fact, it’d probably be near impossible. I can barely do a push-up as is, let along when someone is UFCin’ my ass in the ribs while I’m doing it.

And why is he making the kid excercise with this much anger? I understand that working out is important (I guess), but is it really worth… you know… threaten to gut a kid? Actually, it’s a little known fact, but this was the same guy who helped Oprah lose all her weight. They call it the “I’ll Cut You Open And PULL The Fat Out If You Don’t Start Doing Some Fuckin’ Sit-Ups” Plan. It’s a bit wordy, but at least it’s straight-forward. And people appreciate honesty.

“She says Kurzawski also took a sword off the wall and ran it along the boy’s chest from his neck to his stomach, saying he could ‘cut (the boy) open like a dead fish.’ “

Let’s wind it back a second and look at this logically: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE A SWORD ON THE WALL TO BEGIN WITH?! You know what I have on MY wall? Posters! Pictures of Family! I don’t have Medieval weaponry on display. If you collect swords, you’re already a scary person. But do the world a favor, and don’t hang the sum-bitch up where everyone can see it! Are you really expecting to show this off to friends when they come over?

“Wow, those are beautiful pictures. Is that your mother? She’s lovely. Oh, and look at the picture of the baby and the dog. And what’s this above the… Jesus fuckballs Christ is that a MANSPLITTER?!”

“A Hennepin County court official says Kurzawski did not have an attorney listed Wednesday morning. Kurzawski is due in court Wednesday afternoon.”

And isn’t it obvious why? Defense attorneys will do just about anything for money. They’ll defend rapists, they’ll defend child molesters, they’ll defend Tiger Woods. But they sure as hell are not getting involved when the word “Sword” appears on the paperwork. I think this is something that is best left up to King Arthur’s Court, not the Hennepin County court.

I couldn’t even imagine this being on the docket.

“Alright, first we have a guy who ran a red light and hit a car.”

“Easy.”

“Next, we have a man late on his child support payment”

“Easy.”

“And then we have a guy who threatened to split his girlfriends kid open with a katana”

“…A… Katana”

“Yeah, big fuck sword, your honor.”

“…I need a drink.”

Now, I don’t know a lot of things, but I do know this: If someone was pointing a sword at me, my ass is gonna be doin’ a ton of fuckin’ sit-ups! I don’t care how much it hurts, it can’t possibly suck any more than having your whole body divided in two. So, if anything, this guy was at least a decent motivator.

So there you have it. Minnesota crime at it’s finest. The only way, THE ONLY WAY, this could have been better, is if these were combined into one story.

“A local man is charged with decapitating a stranger on the express way today with a broadsword. He claims to have done it ‘Because it sounded like fun’ “

I can dream. I can fuckin’ dream.