The Complaint Department: Volume 4

I would like to file a complaint against…

-Books Made Into Movies – If a book is written and it reaches even mild success, which in this case means more than three people have read it, it’ll probably be made into a movie within the year. The movie will do well because everyone that read the book will go see it. This is partially because they liked the book and partially because they’re uninteresting and need something to talk about. This will then in turn lead to them walking out of the theater saying that the “book was better”. Of course the book was better, the book didn’t have Gerard Butler in it. That’s the best thing about books: they lack Gerard Butler.

I would like to file a complaint against…

-Baby-Changing Stations In Bathrooms – For one reason and one reason only: Braille. They have braille on them. Now, I’m not saying that blind people can’t have babies, I’m just saying I’d rather them not be the ones walking into the bathroom to change them. It could lead to some really awkward situations:

“There, now we just powder your lil’ bottom and we’re all done! How does that feel!”

“…that feels great and all, but your baby’s over there…”

I would like to file a complaint against…

-MTV – Sure, it was annoying when you stopped being about music. And started being about piss-poor reality television. But now you have the gonads to have an “awards show”? Winning an MTV award is like winning Employee of the Month at Wendy’s. You didn’t exactly beat out a bunch of winners.

I would like to file a complaint against…

-My Cellphone’s T9 Feature – For those of you who don’t know what it is, it’s a feature that automatically tries to figure out what it is you’re trying to say. It guesses words and puts them in for you so you don’t have to think while communicating. Because, who the hell likes to think? Mine is a bit too aggressive at times, it’s starting to feel like it’s turning into a Nazi. “T-NIEN! That iz NA-ZI wurd you are lookin’ for!”

I would like to file a complaint against…

-Anyone That Thinks They Are A “Dream Interpreter” – It seems like everyone thinks they’re a dream interpreter these days. Ok, fine, I’ll tell you about my dream.

“So, I was in a clown costume, being chased through a Best Buy by a rhino…”

“Wow, I didn’t know you were gay…”

“What?! I… didn’t know that either…”

“Oh sure, the Rhino in you dream represents a RAGING erection. And the clown costume represents confusion about your identity.”

“I see… what about the whole Best Buy thing?”

“Oh, Best Buy means you like to take it in the ass…”

“What?! Uh… I don’t think I’m going to buy my electronics there anymore…”

Speaking of Best Buy…

I would like to file a complaint against…

-Best Buy – Is there a reason I need twenty-three feet of reciept each time I buy something? I always end up walking out of your store with a huge handful of paper, looking like I just made it to first base in Middle School. “Why?! Why is this here?!”

The only reason I go to Best Buy’s anymore is if I get a gift card. Did you know on the back of those gift cards, it says it’s good in all 50 states… AND Puerto Rico. Puerto Rico, really? They have Best Buys in Puerto Rico? Shit, I didn’t even know they had ELECTRICITY in Puerto Rico. Maybe they don’t. Maybe they only go to Best Buy to buy a refridgerator so they can use it as a raft to float over to America…

I would like to file a complaint against…

-Excuses Fat People Make – “I may be big, but I’m actually only 7% body fat!” Oh yeah? Well, you’re also 58% chocolate cake, so shut your sausage pit.

I would like to file a complaint against…

-The Tag-Team of Wikipedia and Google – I want to quit you. But alas, I cannot. You’ve become a crutch in not only my life, but in everyones life. At some point in the last five years, we’ve all become useless without these two simple websites. We no longer have to reach into our own minds to pull out information. It’s going to reach a point where we’re googling our own memories.

“OH SHIT!? I must have gotten pretty wasted last night… quickly, Google: ‘Who’s this naked chick I woke up next to?’…”

Did you know if you type in Google in Wikipedia, or Wikipedia in Google, you’ll see Jesus? That is, if you have a fast internet connection, if you have a shitty slow connection, you’ll just see Mohammed…

I would like to file a complaint against…

-Drug-Related Documentary TV Shows – So, I wasn’t considering a career in Meth-lab operations. Until you showed me how much money could be made. And how to do it. And what usually leads to the cops figuring it out. Thanks to you, I now have all the information I need to be a succesful drug pusher.

Also, since we’re talking about documentary tv shows, the terrorists would also like to thank you for teaching them about American security. And forensice science tv, seriel rapists are so glad they know where to clean up so you can’t find their DNA. Thanks to all this knowledge, you are truly making the world a safer place… for drug peddlers, rapists, and mass murders.

I would like to file a complaint against…

-BP – You do realize that by putting a cap on that oil spill and finally putting an end to the tragedy… you’ve single-handedly ruined any future attempts at comedy? It was a true comedic black-gold mine, and you had to go and stop it up. Thanks a lot, you greedy cunts. Now we have to go back to writing jokes about our President George W. Bu… AH FUCK!

The Complaint Department: Volume 3

I would like to file a complaint against…

-Sports-Related News Stories or Scandals – Really? This is news? I could give less than a squirt of steroid-positive piss about sports star’s lives. So what if this football player is on crack. So what if this professional bowler has an addiction to albino hookers. So what if this basketball star got drunk at a party and tried to land a lay up with a ladies infant. I just don’t care! And it’s always some major team too, like the Yankees or the Celtics. Just once I’d like to look at the news and see “The backup catcher for the Pittsburgh Pirates was caught having sex with a park bench the other night…” It’s not going to happen, but a man can dream!

I would like to file a complaint against…

-Subway – Breakfast sandwiches? Fantastic, now I can be late to work AND have a sandwich. I spend thirty three minutes a day watching you put together my fuckin’ lunch, now I can spend thirty three more minutes watching you slap an egg patty together? It’s bad enough I have to figure out what the Mexican guy making my sandwich is saying when he asks if I want oil on my sandwich, which I always mishear as “Would you like Oil on that Man-wedge?” NO HOMO! Now I have to worry about SYRUP on my man-wedge too?

I would like to file a complaint against…

-Christian Rock Music – Nothing pisses me off more than listening to a great band and thinking “Hey, this band is pretty… AH DAMMIT DID HE JUST SING THAT JESUS IS HIS KEEPER?! FUCK!” Seriously, keep religion out of music, please. We have music about God, it’s called “Gospel Music”. God hates your band, sorry. And I have an extra added boost of hate-rage for Christian METAL MUSIC! It’s out there, and it’s embarassing. I don’t like metal music, but I especially don’t like having someone scream “JESUS IS THE ONE TRUE LOVE!” in a deep-throated growl just after a bitchin’ Pantera-style guitar solo.

I would like to file a complaint against…

-Myself – Seriously, the “Things Jesus Hates” piece was an indirect rip off of my own fuckin’ complaint department idea, and no one pointed it out. Fine, I’ll do it: Bob, you’re a hack! Quit re-using jokes! And for the love of shit, enough with the Vegemite lines, it’s getting old.

I would like to file a complaint against…

-Vegemite – Seriously, I still taste you, you salty hell-spawn. Oh, and England, Marmite, really? That’s like coming up with your own version of SATAN! Batan, our version of the God of the Underworld! Ah yes, Marmite: All The Yeast Flavor, None Of The Barley! Why not just call it “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Vegemite!” I’m slapping a new label on the side of the jar: “Don’t feed after midnight or let it get wet”.

I would like to file a complaint against…

-Nintendo – Really, you’re going to attempt to make a 3-d video game system? Do you recall the Virtual Boy? My eyes are still pretty badly damaged from that piece of shit. Hopefully, with the Nintendo 3ds, you can at least get more than one fucking COLOR!

For three years, I couldn’t see anything but red! And for once, it had nothing to do with my uncontrolled rage. I’m just praying that you have the common sense not to make it a giant headset this time. No one wants to walk around with the top half of a weed whacker on their head!

I would like to file a complaint against…

-Celebrities Who “Tweet” – Great. As if TMZ was bad enough, now I have to listen to your bullshit first-hand? And the same rules that apply to normal people, apply to you on Twitter. If it’s something that would be boring as fuck to say to a person IN person, it’s probably just as boring in the format of a >160 word status post. Also, leave John Mayer alone. I don’t care if he’s a total douchebag, so are you and you can’t blast out a Hendrix cover, so shut up you whiny bitch.

I would like to file a complaint against…

-Dancing With The Stars – FUCK! There’s Kate Gosselin again. I’m sorry, but I thought “Dancing With the Stars” implied you were dancing with STARS! Not some shallow cunt who exploits children and spends all the money on hair styles which don’t take away the fact she still looks like an alien from Jupiter. Who watches this show? The people who aren’t hip enough to watch American Idol, that’s who. And if you’re not hip enough to watch a show which is 80% wannabe drunk karaoke covers and 20% Simon Cowell’s nipples, you are a big loser. Not quite as big of a loser as someone who watches The Biggest Loser though, hence the name…

I would like to file a complaint against…

-Flavored Water – Nature already invented this, it’s called “fruit juice”. And guess what, it isn’t 3 dollars a bottle! Why the fuck should I pay you extra to put three drops of lemon into water? For the price of one bottle of this shit I could by a water treatment plant and a lemon tree and be set for life. What’s next, are you going to start charging us for flavored air! Sure, call it an Oxygen Bar… wait… FUCK that already exists. YOU BASTARDS!

I would like to file a complaint against…

-Radio Stations – “We’re in the middle of a commercial free hour of music here on CRAP 102.5322566 FM. Don’t listen to crap, listen to CRAP!” Hey, um… isn’t doing a commercial about not having commercials the same as a commercial for anything else? The only difference is, you don’t make money advertising for yourself. So, you’re still doing the commercials, but now you’re not making money off of them. Congratulations, you’ve discovered the most retarded marketing decision in the history of the world.

I would like to file a complaint against…

-Muslim Extremists – Death threats to the creators of South Park, huh? Do you realize how that proves the point they were trying to make in that episode to begin with? You played into their hands, because you don’t think about things before you say them. Of course, I’m mostly just jelious that they reached that level, so in an attempt to send myself to the grave, I want to cash in on the Muslim Insult Death Threats:

Muhammed was actually a hermaphrodite! However, s/he was so ashamed, s/he hid it from the world. And that’s why those Muslim extremists are so good at hiding. They’re just trying to keep you from finding that PUSSY Osama Bin Laden! Now you know the truth about Islam! Censor that, you fucking dipshit extremists! Where is MY death threat?!

/end

The Complaint Department: Volume 2

I would like to file a complaint against…

-Giant Belt Buckles – If I can see your belt buckle clearly from across the street, you might want to stay on that side of the street. ’cause if you’re on this side with me, I’ll throw you in front of a Jeep. You’re not a cowboy, you’re a douchebag.

I would like to file a complaint against…

-The “American Pie” Brand Name – What is it, up to 3, 4 straight-to-dvd spin-off movies based on this series? Does anyone watch these?! I’m pretty sure it’s impossible for a movie franchise to have gone more insane than this one. They’re basically softcore pornography at this point, and not even GOOD softcore pornography. In fact, porn usually has a better plot and better acting. Eugene Levy still stars in these movies, that’s what makes me sad. Can you believe that? And I thought “The Man” with Samuel L. Jackson was the worst thing he’d do. Little did I know… These movies make me lose faith in humanity (but what doesn’t?).

I would like to file a complaint against…

-Marshmallows In Hot Chocolate – I know I’m going to get grief for this one, but it’s not something I can sit by and allow anymore. Way too many people like this, and it’s gotten out of hand. I’ll tell you why it’s not a good idea. It makes the marshmallows soggy. And when has “soggy” ever been a desired quality in food? Never. How the hell is it acceptable here. You want hot chocolate? Drink hot chocolate. You want marshmallows? Eat fuckin’ marshmallows.

I would like to file a complaint against…

-The “Geek Squad” – Pretentious bastards, I hope your families are in weather disasters. Your mom deserves to be lifted up by a tornado and flung thirty miles away to be impaled on a fence post. I don’t want her to die, I just want her to spend the rest of her life with a pierced uterus so she can’t pump out anymore obnoxious tech-junkies who don’t know jack shit about customer service.

I would like to file a complaint against…

-People with long names that don’t go by the shortened versions – “Hi, I’m Johnathan” “Oh, nice to meet you John” “It’s JOHNATHAN” Well, Fuck you! I don’t give a flying turd burrito what your name is now, asshole. If it’s more than two syllables, you’re kinda fucked. I’m lazy and not that interested in talking to you. Oh, and black people with unique, hard-to-remember names, for now on, your name is Frank. I don’t care if I go to a party and there are thirty of you, you’re all named Frank for now on. Doesn’t even matter what gender you are. That’s right, Shaniqua, you’re Frank too. Blame your parents for naming you something that’s hard to remember.

I would like to file a complaint against…

-Contemporary Art - I just don’t get it! “This is it, it’s my masterpiece!” It’s a giant purple foot sticking out of a toilet. Look not everything seen on funny mushrooms is beautiful and spectacular. Sometimes it’s just a giant purple foot sticking out of a toilet. Don’t try to explain what it represents either. That giant foot sticking out of the toilet does not, in any way, represent the state of American government. Unless you mean to say “My art makes no sense, and neither does the Government. See the connection?” But that’s never the case. It’s always some kind of metaphor. And you know what, I now hate metaphors because of you. And I swear, if you use feces in your art work one more time, I’m going to shit on your head.

I would like to file a complaint against…

-Anyone who describes themselves as a “Fun Drunk” – People aren’t laughing because you’re being fun and clever, they’re laughing because you just fell over for the thirteenth time like some kind of toddler. “No Bob, you don’t understand. There is something in me that only Jack Daniels can bring out!” Yeah, the contents of your stomach, and it’s all over my couch. And my cat, you bastard! Listen, unless you start vomiting up confetti, you’re not allowed to call yourself a fun drunk.

I would like to file a complaint against…

-The “Paperclip” Help Feature On Microsoft Word Processor – Get out of my head, you creepy bug-eyed office supply from hell! “Looks like you’re writing a letter!” Thanks, I wasn’t aware of that. Please leave me alone. “It looks like you’re writing a letter to the Penthouse Forums” Wow, ok, this thing is GOOD?! I think they could make it more effective and used more if they gave it a slight attitude: “Looks like you’re trying to write a letter. Unfortunately, you suck ass at it. I mean, what the fuck, dude. The person who gets that is going to think you’re a dumb ass. Let me fix that shit for you!” It would be kind of cool if he appeared in real life. “Looks like you’re trying to please a woman!” Oh man, thank God you’re here paperclip! CTRL-F. Find: “G-Spot”. Maybe that’s it. Maybe the paperclip needs to get out and get laid more. He’s always at work. We need to take him out to a bar, maybe get him a nice slutty pair of scissors with big handles?

I would like to file a complaint against…

-Stevie Wonder – If only just for confusing me. “Isn’t she lovely?” How do you know, you’re fuckin’ BLIND!? Hell, Stevie Wonder didn’t even know he was BLACK until he was 27. “Stevie, you know you’re black right?” “That’s alright, everythings black to me.”

I would like to file a complaint against…

-95% Of Blogs On The Internet – I’m going to be as nice about this as possible: Most people are really fucking uninteresting. You’re probably one of them. If your blog is just a discussion of what you did today, it’s probably not worth reading. Unless you killed someone, I’m probably going to get bored hearing about your trip to Wal-Mart to buy some dog food. I don’t want to hear you tell me about a band either, because odds are your musical taste sucks. That, or you’re the LAST person to start listening to that band. “Oh man, I just discovered this great band, they’re called The Cure, you should all listen to them!” We all have already heard The Cure. And none of us like them. Oh, and if you tell me a story about your kid, I’m going to have to take your computer away. It’s bad enough I have to hear these stories in real life, but now it’s taking up my computer screen too? If you’re funny, if you’ve got something interesting to say, if you’re going to tell me an original story that has surprises and interesting aspects to it, blog away. If you’re going to tell me about how your dog eats snow, I’ll kick you in the throat.

/end

The Complaint Department: Volume 1

Attempting a new feature here at FiS. A blog dedicated to smaller pieces and pet peeves I don’t want to flesh out into full blogs. Exciting, I know. Here’s how it’s done…

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I would like to file a complaint against…

-People here in Minnesota who, during the colder months, wear sweatshirts and shorts – I’m not talking in general. I mean AT THE SAME FUCKING TIME! You look like a crack addict, stop that.

I would like to file a complaint against…

-People who use the handicap door button when they are perfectly able-bodied – If you’re carrying something super heavy that takes up both hands, I’ll give you a free pass. However, if you are not, then you are just being a lazy d-bag! If you’d like, I can take a lead pipe to both your knee caps and give you a legit reason to use the button, assclown!

I would like to file a complaint against…

-People who still leave their brights on when it’s no longer necessary – We’re in a brightly lit parking lot, you twit. There is no need to burn out my retinas at this time. You know what else could provide a lot of light? Fire. Why don’t I come over and install THAT to the front of your truck!

I would like to file a complaint against…

-Garbage Water – No matter how secure and undamaged the bag may be, you always find a way to stealth your way onto my pants! Also. why is it that no matter what I throw away, you always smell exactly the same? One of this planet’s natural phenomena.

I would like to file a complaint against…

-Single-Ply Toilet Paper – Anyone ever made the cataclysmic error in judgment that is purchasing this Satan-sent product? It’s like wiping your ass with air! Not only can you see through it, but if you hold it up to the light, it actually appears to vanish completely. You make me feel like I’m five again, as I stand their with my pants around my ankles and two whole rolls balled up in my hands like a pre-teen girl getting set to stuff her bra!

I would like to file a complaint against…

-The “End Now” Window On My Computer – When I click you, you most certainly DO NOT end now! Why don’t you just come out and say what you really mean to say: END WHENEVER THE FUCK I FEEL LIKE IT!!!. Life has even tossed me this curve ball: An End Now window to close down an END NOW WINDOW! Are you fucking kidding me?! My brain can’t cope with that!

I would like to file a complaint against…

-Grapefruit – You are delicious and nutritious, but more dangerous to eat than a cheap hooker. Plunging a spoon into you has to be handled with the same tact as brain surgery. One false move, and it’s all over. However delicate I may be, I always end up leaving breakfast with one less eye than I came.

I would like to file a complaint against…

-Boxer Shorts – More specifically that little hatch in the front. Sometimes, Captain Trinket makes a daring escape through you at an uncomfortable and improper time. It leads to awkward social situations, and the need to adjust myself while in public. Thanks for making it look like I’m playing with myself!

I would like to file a complaint against…

-Umbrellas – Sure, when it rains, you are fantastic. Keeping me high and dry… that is unless their is even the SLIGHTEST gust of wind. Then you are completely useless.

I would like to file a complaint against…

-People who make really shitty movies look really good in the trailers – Because of you guys, I saw “The Happening”. Because of this, you must all perish. All of you.

I would like to file a complaint against…

-Anyone who refers to Wednesday as “Hump Day” – My mind immediately makes me think the wrong definition of “Hump”, and the lack of editing equipment in my brain makes me say something about it out loud. This usually leads to people giving me weird looks. Because of you and your cute rhetoric, I now look like a pervert!

/end