It’s The Japanese Symbol For “Bob Hates Me”

Long ago, before man had fully developed into what they have become now, there were still major dill weeds. Unfortunately, you would leave your mud hut or cave, and have absolutely no way of telling which people were the nimrods and which may be tolerable.

But we evolved. We invented the wheel, discovered fire, and created the ultimate tool bag warning label: The tattoo.

That’s right. At some point in time, people began to cram heavy loads of ink into their flesh. This idea would have probably been the worst idea man has ever come up with, but a few weeks before that someone was curious what was inside their ass and the prostate exam was invented. So doodling on the inside of your outside came in a close second.

I know what you’re saying: “But Bob, tattoos are cool and hip!”. No, tattoos WERE cool and hip. So were motorcycles. And now every time you see someone on a motorcycle, the first thought that crosses your mind is “Jesus, what a dickhead!”. And that’s how I’m starting to react to tattoos.

Each archetype of tattoo comes with it’s own stigma. And because I’m an immense asshole, I will take the time to explain to each and every one of you why you might as well just tattoo “Annoying Cunt” on your forehead. And I will do it tattoo by ugly tattoo.

1) Crouching Tiger, Hidden Douchebag

As mentioned in the title, these annoy me to no end. It’s an attention thing. People get these so they can explain them to other people. And why do they do that? Because they’re too boring to come up with anything else interesting to talk about.

“It’s Japanese for Peace and Love!”

Oh yeah, wanna see mine? It’s the Japanese symbol for “Go Away”.

Culture-rape is a common occurrence amongst the hipster crowd. Being “cultural” means you’re not only intelligent, but really, really awesome-cakes. Well, that’s what they THINK it means. When someone tells you they’re “cultural”, it usually really means: “I ate at the Panda Express once…” The same goes for Japanese tattoos.

I’m more than convinced that the Japanese symbol tattoo is what caused the Japanese to snap and bomb Pearl Harbor. Thanks to you, a lot of people’s Grandpas were blown to smithereens. I hope you’re happy.

2) The Chest Bone’s Connected To The… SWEET JESUS?!

Neck Tattoo.

I’ll give you a second to ponder that one.

Neck.

Fuck.

Tattoo.

It’s a tattoo. It’s on your neck. And now it’s on your face!

Face Tattoo.

FACE! FUCK! TATTOO!

If you have a tattoo above your shoulders, you have officially forfeited all your rights as a human being. It’s now legal for me to take an axe to your head.

“Jesus Christ! You killed a guy with a HARPOON GUN, are you out of your mind?! Death penalty for sure!”

“Your honor, if I could please direct your attention to what’s left of his face, you’ll see that most of it is covered up in a face tattoo.”

“Oh, didn’t see that before. You’re free to go. Continue the heroic deeds, Hero of the People.”

Face tattoo. You can’t possibly go further than that, can you?

Oh, you can:

That’s right. That’s a tattoo INSIDE SOMEONES MOUTH! It’s a tattoo that no one can see unless you show it to them. Now, if only you could put a Japanese symbol in your mouth, you could rule over the Douchedom as the King of all Douches.

3) Stamp Of Disapproval

Did you know that on rare occasions, gentlemen enjoy having sexual intercourse with their lovely ladies from behind? Well, now they can have a tiny art gallery to look at too!

The “Tramp Stamp” is somewhat of an enigma to me. You are aware that you’re going to be an old person eventually, right? You try to explain to your grandchildren what the fuck that’s about!

“Hey Grandma, what’s that on your back?”

“Well, kiddo, you see, when I was a young lady, I would go out to bars wearing half-shirts and pants that were low enough to see the top of my lady parts. I would do what was known as “trolling for poon-tang”, hoping that some random stranger would take me home and cram several inches of hot, man-beef in my crotch, possibly even while violently smacking me on…”

“…I have to go beat myself in the head with a brick repeatedly until I have enough brain damage to get that image out of my head now, Grandma. See you… never again.”

4) Your Stomach Says “Hungry Like The Wolf”

A musician sits down, pen in hand. For hours, days, weeks, months, hell even YEARS they work on perfecting their art. Lyrics scribbled out, new ones written into the margins. All to make the perfect masterpiece of poetry to put to music.

Then some retard goes and slaps their hard work on their ass.

The “Song Lyric” tattoo is there for one reason: To let me know you like shitty music. It’s just like the band bumper sticker. Congratulations, you have an entire a-Ha song printed across your chest, you’ve ruined all music for me forever.

By the way, if someone actually gets Hungry Like The Wolf tattooed on their stomach, I may let it pass as cool. I mean, come on, that’s funny shit right there…

5) Animal Instinct

Nature is a beautiful thing. Each animal is special and majestic in it’s own way. And there is no reason for you to plaster pictures of them on your body.

“Check it out, I got a Puma, my favorite animal, tattooed on my scrotum!”

“…I have to go Grandpa. Wow, my grandparents are seriously fucked up…”

It’s a good thing animals don’t do this behavior with us, or we’d see a bunch of Giraffes with pictures of people printed on their necks.

An animal tattoo AND a neck tattoo… that fictional giraffe is a jumbo-douche.

6) …I don’t get it?

Enough with the “relevant only to me” bullshit.

“Oh, you don’t get it, this tattoo is something only I understand.”

It’s like an inside joke. It’s all cute and funny when you’re on the inside, but it’s epic annoying when you’re on the outside. Ever listened to two friends discuss an inside joke? It makes you want to strangle them with an extension cord and leave their bodies in a ditch. This is what your “special me-only” tattoo does to everyone that see’s it.

Why do people take it that personally, you ask? Because we see something, our brain immediately has to figure it out. It’s just how things work. And here we see your tattoo. And now our brain has to put the pieces together.

“It’s a square with an arrow going through it. Um… maybe she’s a big fan of… shooting… squares. Um… or it’s… a box! It’s a box! And the arrow… is um… represents cancer! Her mother’s box was shot with a cancer-arrow! Yes! That tattoo is a reminder of her mother who died of ovarian cancer! Wait, what? That’s stupid. Maybe it’s not an arrow, maybe it’s…”

It’s about this time we notice the blood dripping out of our ears. Our brain blew it’s brains out. And it’s YOUR FAULT!

7) When that sun goes down on you, it’s gonna get herpes…

Flip that tramp with the stamp around, and the cock-gobbler has a tattoo right above her happy place.

I’ll give you a hint: It’s the Japanese symbol for “Whore”.

8 ) Lookin’ Sharp! Even though you’re anything but…

Barbed wire. Wrapped around your arm. You’re a bad ass! Except it’s not actually barbwire at all. It’s a PICTURE of barbwire. I’ll never understand this one. Not ever.

Does it make you feel tough? Because it makes you look like a pansy-ass trying to look tough. I can’t help but notice these people almost always have a motorcycle. And are dressed in army camo-pants. Over-compensating for much?

The only thing that baffles me more is the “Tribal Armband”. Pretty sure whatever tribe you belong to is a fucking lame one…

9) Cover that shit up, would ya!

If only we had Tattoo White-Out, huh? Occasionally, you get drunk and get a tattoo of your penis on your penis. Sometimes, you’re a fucking brain dead idiot and get “Property Of…” and your boyfriend’s name written across both of your boobs. And one time, you passed out drunk and your friends got “I love cock” printed on your forehead. Time to cover that shit up!

So what do you do? You go out and get another tattoo on top of it to cover it up. The problem is, you have to get a dark tattoo. Usually black ink. So you get a black falcon or a horse or something. You cover that penis tattoo on your penis with a BLACK penis tattoo on your penis. Something like that.

10) …do you even HAVE skin?!

And sometimes it goes too far. Sometimes these people cover up most of their body. Sometimes they cover up ALL of their body. At least it’s easy to avoid now!

“Holy shit, look up ahead, someone with a FULL BODY tattoo!”

“…wanna cross the street now. Maybe go a few blocks down. Shit, do you have your passport on you, let’s get the fuck out of this country all together…”

Ultimately, tattoos aren’t going anywhere. They used to be cool, only found on tough guys. Now teenage girls are getting them on their crotch so that drunk Frat guys can find their vaginas. Admirable, but ultimately obnoxious.

If you have a tattoo and this offends you, take a look at this. It’s the Universal Symbol for “Fuck yourself!”