Slow It Down, Captain Advancements
Posted by Bob Reinhard on July 15, 2010
Progression. It’s what the human race has always been about. Think of the path we’ve taken to reach where we stand today. We discover the wonders of fire. We invent the wheel. We make tools. Discover electricity. Buildings. Phones. Automobiles. Trains. Planes. Computers. Rocket ships. Remote-control operated anal beads.
We’ve come a long way! Think, only 100 years ago, we didn’t even have remote-control operated anal beads!
But lately, it seems like our progression has sped up somethin’ fierce, and a lot of people are being left behind! I like to think I’m decent enough at adapting to the ever-quickening pace of society, but even I feel like I’m starting to stumble and fall behind the times. So many changes around me simply baffle and confuse me. And make me feel like a fuckin’ old man.
Listen, folks, I’m 22 years old. So why is it that whenever it comes to technology, I feel like I’m fuckin’ 80?
For instance, I didn’t think portable cd players were considered old. That was until I tried to buy one! Holy shit! They’re in the back of every electronics store, tucked in a dark corner, back by the bathrooms. Ever asked someone who works at a Best Buy where the cd players are? They can’t even tell you, ’cause they haven’t sold one in three years.
“CD players, huh? Um… Jesus, let’s see… well, our MP3 players are over here, maybe if you go past that and hop in a time machine and travel back to 1998, you can find one?”
It’s impossible to find the cd players. You can find a whole square-mile of cds, but nothing to put them in and walk around with. Sure, you can get a big ass state-of-the-art, surround sound, 3000-disc changer equiped, forty-two speaker stereo system, but you can’t find a portable cd player. I finally folded and bought an MP3 player. It’s fine and dandy and can hold every song ever made in the history of music. It has a battery life of twenty three and a half minutes, but that’s a small price to pay to carry the entire world’s music library with you wherever you go.
Anyone ever tried to find a payphone? Holy shit, It’s easier to find Jesus than it is to find a fuckin’ payphone. People are even surprised when they find out you’re attempting to locate one. You walk into a store:
“Do you know where I could find a payphone?”
“Shit, did you try a museum?”
Sometimes, you walk past a payphone booth, but the phone itself has been removed. The structure left as a reminder, ruins of a past civilization. People walk past the payphones with their children, as if they’re walking past a piece of history, long-since forgotten.
“What’s that, daddy?”
“Why that, that’s what was once known as a “Payphone”. You see, people back then didn’t have cellphones. If they left their house, and needed to talk to someone, they had to use one of these ancient devices to communicate long distances.”
“No cellphones?! HOW DID THEY LIVE?!”
“How indeed… how indeed…”
The kids run ahead to look at the phone.
“Hey, how do you send a text message on this?”
“Actually, they didn’t have text messaging back then. They had to use the phones original purpose, which was voice communication. You spoke into one end and listened to the voice of the person on the other end.”
“Wait… you mean you actually had to acknowledge there was another human being on the other side of the phone? Alright, now you’re just screwing with me…”
Cellphones are one of the big advancements that scare the living shit out of me. It’s reached a point where phones are becoming much like communication devices from sci-fi films.
“Welcome to Sprint, how can I help you?”
“Um, yes… this phone looks cool, what can it do?”
“Well, I’m glad you asked. It can send text messages. It has a great camera feature. It holds up to 300 songs. Internet access with streaming video. Walkie-talkie feature for when you’re on the go. It has applications that are near-limitless in their uses. Oh, and if you press this button, you can instantly teleport anywhere on the planet.”
“…can I make phone calls with it?”
“Hahahahaha… heh… oh, you’re serious? Yeah, I think it still has a phone feature on it. However, it only picks up reception if you stand on one foot, on a bridge, while holding tinfoil.”
That’s what it boils down to. No matter how many great advancements they reach on cellphones, they still can’t make the fuckin’ phone itself work right. No service? Dropped calls? We can’t fix that, so instead, we’ve made it so you just hold the phone and communicate telepathically with your friends. You can connect with their very minds!
I blame science. Fuck the cure for cancer, we got a 4G network that gives you magical fucking powers. This is something I’ve already touched on before when I discussed the priorities of modern man.
We’ve spent a lot of time and effort and money into advancing everything we come across. You know what we’ve made more amazing and powerful? LIGHTBULBS?! Light-FUCK-bulbs! Remember lightbulbs? You screw one into the lamp and light comes out? Doesn’t get much more fuckin’ simple than that as far as technology is concerned, right? Apparently, WRONG. We have to invent ones that are brighter, last longer, and save electricity.
Energy-efficient. Long-lasting. GREEN. Going green is the worst thing that could have ever happened to the technology world. So many simple things have been completely over-hauled in the name of going green. Cars. Shampoos. Shit, even shower heads. Why? Because you think you’re going to save the planet? The planet’ll kick your hippy ass, got that?
Progression is getting more and more rapid everyday. It seems almost every time you buy something, it’s obsolete by the time you open the box. Computers. Video game systems. Your fuckin’ PANTS!
Your pants are obsolete.
Some people are still upset you got rid of their ability to use bunny-ears to watch basic network television. A converter box? Digital television? Where was that back when decent shit was on tv? Now, you have to go out and pay more money on a device just to get the other expensive device you just bought to even be useful. And now they made the tv 3-d. Yes, I really need Kim Kardashian’s tits to come out of the tv at me. Now I have her boobs in my face, and they’re just as fake and unreal as… well… they would be if I actually had her tits in my face in person.
I’m not saying we shouldn’t strive to invent cool new things. I’m just saying we should stop acting like things from two years ago are old and unused. We need to stop attempting to BEAT the people using our gadgets. It’s really starting to seem like we’re attempting to leave people behind on purpose.
I think that’s it. That’s going to become my theory on technological advancement: It’s a population control issue. We’re attempting to weed out the stupid and weak. What? You can’t understand the new computers? Well, we’ll make everything run on it, so if you don’t understand, you’ll just waste away.
You go to a grocery store,and you want to buy some food? Well, how about if we made it so you had to use the self-checkout to buy it? Oh, you can’t figure out how to use it? Guess you’re gonna have to starve, aren’t ya?
It’s genius if you think about it. Kill off the people who can’t adapt. A new 21st-Century version of Darwin’s theory on Survival of the Fittest! We’ll weed out all of those that can keep up, so we can use them to build even more advanced technology. We’ll become an automatically-growing society!
And soon, robots. We’ll have robots to do all the work for us. We’ll just sit back and everything will come to us. And soon, even humans will become obsolete. It’s like a sci-fi film on overdrive. We’re actually outsourcing the human race to techology. We’re going to allow ourselves to die off, and for what? A toaster with light-dark settings? GPS tracking that tells you where ever person on Earth is at any given time? Hell, maybe even those remote-control anal beads will become voice-activated!
“Anal beads… TICKLE MY PROSTATE!”
The world isn’t going to stop moving. And it sure as hell isn’t going to slow down. So grab onto your outdated pants and have a safe trip.
Oh, and for fuck sake, will you get rid of that cellphone! That’s last year’s model, it’s like… a million years old!