Sucking Ass With Glee!

In High School, a lot of teens discover mild masochism. They begin “cutting”. You know, taking a semi-sharp object across your skin and opening wounds in hopes of… um… Well, I’m not exactly sure WHAT the fuck it achieves, but it achieves something. I guess maybe they want attention? I don’t know.

Anyway, that’s not the point. The point is, this is really just the beginning of the desire for pain. Sometimes, it gets taken to the extreme. Isn’t that right, David Carridine? Oh, sorry… too soon?

I, myself, never got into any of that. But, I do occasionally put myself into the position to be loaded to the brim with horror and pain. Not always on purpose, but not always by accident. Recently, I was exposed to more physical and mental pain than I thought I could handle. I was pushed to the threshold. I thought for sure by the end of this hour-long painful experience, that I would be no more. The overwhelming crushing feeling that wrapped around my head was almost too much to handle. But I made it through, and now, with great strain, I will recall the horrible events I put myself through just yesterday.

I watched an episode of Glee.

Even now, as I admit to myself that I did it, I feel my testicles struggling against me, attempting to pull away. Like when your aunt puts you in that “Too long awkward hug” and you push and struggle against the force of bad Macy’s perfume to get away from the death grip. My testicles are struggling to get away from someone who they have now deemed unworthy of keeping them warm and safe. I am sorry, manhood, I will redeem myself later by punching someone or peeing on something. I promise.

Why did I do it? Come on, why wouldn’t I? I need things to bitch about. I had heard people really liked it. That people thought it was fantastic. Which to me screams: “This show is total bollocks! You have to make fun of it and piss off the entire fan base!” And Jesus Hector Christ was I right. This show fails on levels that I didn’t imagine were achievable by something that wasn’t a reality tv show. I mean, I’d expect this shit from So You Think You Can Dance, but not from actual scripted television. Someone, maybe a room full of someones, sat down and took pen to paper for this garbage. Someone put creative effort into it. Worst of all: Someone is getting paid butt loads of money for this. That’s right, someone is actually being paid to urinate on my soul.

I have so many complaints about this show that I don’t even know where to begin. Let’s start off with a summary of what it’s about. Take 90210, strip out the attractive people, and add awful cover songs. And this goes on for an entire hour. Because, as I’ve been saying for years: there is no God.

The cast alone makes me hate a lot of things that would otherwise seem fantastic. Such as music. And diversity. That’s right, Glee made me hate diversity. I’m now wishing Hitler would come back to life and kill off everyone that isn’t a blonde white guy. Zombie Hitler is a better alternative than the mockery of true diversity that takes place on this show.

To give you a summary of how forcefully diverse the cast is, you’d have to go back to your middle school math book. Do you remember the table-data collecting problems? You would be given a table full of names and data to work with, and the names were always artificially filled with ethnic names so they could cover every base race.

Luis
Shaniqua
Chan
Jacque
Click-Clack-Clicky-Click-Cluck.
Bill

Meanwhile, you’d look around the classroom you’re sitting in and see 35 white kids and one very uncomfortable Spanish kid shifting in his chair. Ethnic diversity.

Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying DON’T cast black people or gay people or cripples. I’m just saying: Don’t cast them ALL. I went to school, there wasn’t a single “club” that had one of everything on the planet. Black. Asian. Gay. Crippled. Midget. Obese. Taoist. Martian. Wolfman. Someone named Stewart.

From what I could gather, this was what the “Glee Club” in the school was made of: A fat black girl who was very “Miss Thang-y”. A blonde white girl. A dark-haired white girl. A girl who appeared to be of Spanish origin. A Jewish kid. A dumb jock guy. A gay kid. A kid in a wheel chair. And a fat girl.

One of each. And boy did they make it obvious too. Look, I know there are people from all these groups in most schools, however, not all of them are THIS horribly stereotypical. The black girl was very much like EVERY overweight black girl you’ve ever seen on television. The gay kid was very homosexually stereotyped. The crippled kid was in the same bullshit stereotypical “wheel chair” that no cripples are ACTUALLY in in real life.

Wait, that last one didn’t make any sense… but you get my point.

My point is: It’s ok to be diverse. It’s not ok to be diverse because you have to. Be diverse, but don’t shove it down our throats like a bad after school special. Occasionally, there are white people on this planet.

Now, let’s get a little more into the cast. I don’t know there names, so I will call them by their diverse background labels.

Our friend the fat black girl, did she have a “Wha-eva” attitude? Check. Did she hit us with the: “You don’t know what it’s like to be black!” conversation? Oh yeah, that was there.

One of the white girls was pregnant, one of the rich white girls who could afford an abortion, but for someone reason wasn’t getting one because this is a Christian-oriented show and that’d just not be right. Of course, it is alright for her and the black girl to fight over the fact that white people can’t sing funk because they have nothing to be blues-y about. The conversation was about the battle of “being pregnant and looked at as a whore” vs. being black.

“I know I don’t know what it’s like to be black, but… people still look at me like I’m different! Like I’m a disgusting outcast! So I know what it’s like to at least be looked at as different!”

Someone fucking kill me. Being knocked up is in no way like being black, you stupid assholes. I do not recall a moment when we went over to Pregnantville and scooped up a boat load of preggers to pick our corn. We have never in the history of ever sold pregnant woman as property and taken them out back and whipped them if they talked back to us.

Oh, you’re also forgetting one other small detail: Being pregnant is not something you’re BORN WITH! It’s either planned out ahead of time, or the result of a very stupid fuck saying “I’m sure I won’t orgasm in 12 seconds, so I’ll have PLENTY of time to pull out and ejaculate on your face instead!”

The whole conversation was bullshit. It made me wish that she’d miscarry the fuckin’ kid right then and there so she’d shut the hell up.

How about the token gay kid? Seeing as this is choir class, there was bound to be the one gay kid in the school in it, right? Of course, because if there is one thing we know: All gay people are fantastic singers and think Choir is the only important thing on the planet. There is NO WAY the gay kid would be on the basketball team or playing drums in the band or something. No, he’s gay, so he’s going to be in the Glee club, dammit! Because we’re trying to be fuckin’ culturally sensative! I kinda wished the entire episode showed the gay kid kick the fuck out of the bigoted fucks that write this shit.

I am all for gay rights. I think gay people are far better than straight people. In fact, I think gay marriage should be legal and heterosexual marriage should be illegal. I am all about the gays, but for the love of all that is pure can we please stop with the stereotyping? Yes, I get it, a lot of gays have that gay-accent when they talk. A lot of them are upbeat, flamboyant and like singing and dancing. A lot of them are huge, bikers who like UFC and killing pansies too. Some of them have no unique voice at all, with no defining physical traits that separate them from anyone else. That’s right, some are what Catholics would call “Normal”. Why does he HAVE to be the over-the-top flamboyant gay guy?

And why the hell is the actor playing him breathing out after everything he says? I get the feeling that he was huffing helium to sound like that prior to every scene he was in. And it pained me to see. If he’s gay, make him gay. That’s great, but you’re making a mockery of homosexuality with these pathetic type-casting.

So, we’ve stereotyped blacks and gays, what else can we do? How about the Jews? Yeah, there was a Jewish kid, but shockingly, he wasn’t cliché. After seeing the black girl and gay guy, I was half expecting the Jewish kid to be walking around with bags of money strapped to him while he was pinning Jesus to a cross in the gym. No, instead, they made the Jewish kid the school tough guy. The bully. The straight-up gangsta.

Only issue was, I’m more tough than this douche-cock. “I’m going to kick his ass!” came across like Henery Hawk.

And he, as most tough guys do, was the resident rap star. Let me tell you something, five seconds into the awkward rap-style cover of Beck’s “Loser”, I actually found myself wishing this particular Jewish kid was in a camp or something, you know… where we could like… gas him or something to cleanse the tv of such impure nonsense.

…wow. In retrospect, that was a little anti-Semitic. Glee turned me into a Nazi sympathizer for a few minutes. That’s just how terrible of a show it actually is.

What could make this worse? Well, I haven’t even gotten to the show itself. The unnatural writing, the horrible conversations and terrible dialogue, the piss-pour attempts at humorous one-liners, it all was puked out onto the screen by a plethora of horrible actors. I’ve seen day-time soap opera’s with better acting. Every line was near-satirically over-dramatized. The “jokes” felt like I was reading R-Rated Laffy Taffy wrappers. The dialogue was so stinted and awkward that I almost felt like I was watching a training video for working at Burger King.

“Hello, sir, how are you this fine and wonderful day?! I am happy to serve you today here at Burger King. Would you like me to tell you our delicious specials? Or perhaps I can promptly and courteously get you an apple pie and nice, refreshing Coca-Cola Soda Product? Have you tried our flame-broiled, made with real beef hamburger before?’

No one talks with such static, robot-like perfection. Ever seen Twilight? They’re Academy Award-worthy actors compared to this garbage.

However, this is a show about singing, right? That’s the big thing, the musical numbers. This would be fine and dandy if anyone of these “actors”… COULD FUCKING SING! It was like watching the rejects episode of American Idol with a dramatic plot thrown in. Each time someone sang, it was worse than the time before. And I’m sure these people are at least decently talented singers, but the way they present the music is painful to watch.

They cut to obviously pre-recorded versions of the music. Their voices get WAY louder, and you can practically hear the auto-tune being clicked on just as they open their mouths to sing. More production goes into the music on this show than a fuckin’ Rush album. The only difference is: Rush albums are unique and interesting, the songs on this show are anything but. If you want to hear the same shitty High School choir version of “We Didn’t Start The Fire”, perhaps you should get up off your ass and go see the High School fuckin’ Choir! Because they don’t auto-tune and over-produce their songs. They actually sing them.

The horribly dorky plot didn’t help matters at all. I guess “Glee Club” is sur-e-us bizniz in real world. You know how Friday Night Lights shows how into football kids in Texas are? It was the same thing, only turned up to 11. Glee Club went far beyond anything you could imagine. It was near-cult like in this show. The kids based their entire lives around it. It seemed to seep into the Principle of the school and all the teachers too. The entire school seemed to orbit the serious nature of glee club.

Let me sum up the plots of last night’s episode, for those of you with a life who aren’t ever going to watch it;

-Black girl vs. preggers girl - As mentioned before, the black girl didn’t think white people could get the blues. White girl thought being pregnant was as hard as being black. They reached an understanding and are not bestest buddies. I gagged a little.

-The glee teacher got a divorce and it MIGHT interfere with his ability to teach GLEE! – Say it ain’t so! However, he is too busy with his rival glee teacher from the OTHER glee club to care. They have a big fight, he looks for ways to destroy her soul to get back at her. Hilarity ensues. Not really.

-There was a TRADER in the glee club! – He was a SPY from the other glee club, and he defected back with all their gleeful secrets. Oh, did we mention he broke the heart of one of our heroines?

The episode ended with him calling her, and it looked like love would conquer all. However, when she ran to him (in slow motion, IN SLOW FUCKING MOTION) in the school parking lot… the rival glee club hit her with eggs. Oh how I wish I was kidding… they hit her with eggs. In slow motion. IN SLOW MOTION. The ending line, as our trader went to hit our girl with an egg:

“Go on, break it… BREAK IT LIKE YOU BROKE MY HEART”

I don’t know about you, but that’s one tear-jerker of a line right there. I really feel sorry for this poor girl… no wait, I’m still too busy laughing at watching her get pelted with hen fetus’.

The show flat-out sucks. That’s all I can say. There is no fancy way of saying it. It blows total balls. It was worse than every show on the CW, COMBINED. There was absolutely nothing redeeming about it, at all. It had nothing to do with “it not being geared towards” me either. It was just straight-up poop.

How do I end this? Why, with a song of course!

“I’m a loser baby, so why don’t you kill me!”

*clack-clack*

*BOOM*

There, I killed you. Fuckin’ Gleeful loser.