A Troll By Any Other Name…

The internet. Something of a modern wonder. Ever since it’s creation, it has existed much like an amoeba. One website becomes two, two become four, and it just kept going. Growing and growing, into a now-uncontrollable beast of burden.

And so, here we are. The current day of the internet. You look around, and the sheer amount of information being passed from computer to computer is staggering. And the fact that rule 34 seems to be completely true lends itself to this astonishing nature. Since there is so much to do in the realm of the interwebs, there is no surprise that it attracts large amounts of people at any given moment.

And like any large scale gathering of people, there are a cock-load of assholes and douchebags running rampant like fleas on the ass of a dog.

That’s right. Today, I’d like to discuss the wonder of the “troll”.

“Post Your Comment”

“Free Forum”

“Submit Your Stuff”

Sure, you read these as they are written, but a troll’s eyes see things in a much different light. The douchewater that pours through their heads in place of actual brain matter leaks into their eye-units, and they read those three statements as follows:

“Be A Total Crotchweed!”

“LOOK! ATTENTION!

“Submit badly drawn Microsoft Paint pictures of Penis’ and giggle like a 6 year old”

Let’s focus on that middle one though: “attention”. Ever wondered what trolls eat? It’s not children or billy goats, but attention. They feed off it like a parasite feeds of the life of another. The more attention is fed to the troll, the more they evolve into an unstoppable pile of feces. Every time you tell them to go fuck themselves in their troll-ears, they come back with “YER MOM! LOLZ!” Attention only makes them stronger.

As such, they are a difficult demon to excercise. I know, you’re looking for a solution. You’re waiting for me to come up with some master plan to rid the world of the ever-present troll. I don’t have one. They’re always going to be there. However, this doesn’t mean that you can’t at least fuck with them.

The best I can offer? I suggest using IP addresses to find out who they are, and then proceeding to murder their family. Go ahead and leave the heads of their loved ones on their door step. Their door step will be easy to find, because once you kill their parents you just leave the heads by the door to the basement. When they come up to get more Mountain Dew or towels to clean the splurge off their keyboard, they trip over their mom’s head and realize: “Oh noes! I will has to get a job and my own place! THIS WILL NOT DO!” And the pressure of having to be an actual useful human being will actually cause their heads to explode.

However, if you don’t feel like beheading elderly people and sticking their heads on the end of brooms in a way similar to Marie Antoinette, then you’ll just have to try and understand the troll. And you’re in luck, because that is something I actually can help with. Just call me the Troll Whisperer!

Why? That’s the question that’s filtering through your head. Why do they do what they do, Troll Whisperer? It’s difficult to say for sure, but here are a few basic facts about trolls that could aid in finding an answer:

1) Trolls are inept at human interaction. They don’t make friends, they sure as hell don’t get laid, and they totally lack the ability to be worth knowing in general. Usually, they’re unattractive, smell like a wet bag of old gym socks, and have an over-all personality which makes you wish space debris would break orbit and kill them. Or you. Whichever.

2) Trolls lack any creative ability. Not even a small inkling. They can’t make their own forums, their own websites, their own blogs, their own art, so they attempt to urinate all over the work of others. You can usually see their utter lack of intellect simply on the comments they choose to post. They usually go much like “Ur so stupid, lolz” or “U r teh sucks, lolz”. Note the fact they “Laugh out loud” at their own poorly executed insult. A sure sign you’re dealing with someone who isn’t worth the flesh they occupy.

3) Trolls are unloved by anyone or thing. Mom and dad are ashamed that their son (and 999 out of 1000 times it’s a male. A female troll is a rare sight indeed!) is a total failure. The opposite sex looks at them much like they would look at a leper. Hell, even their pets hate them. “Come here, Fido” “Fuck off, you whiny cunt. I’m a dog. I have standards!”

4) Trolls have spare time like you wouldn’t believe. You know how you go to work, enjoy the outdoors, have hobbies, talk to people, have copious amounts of sexual intercourse with supermodels (that’s not just me, is it?), even go so far as to occasionally bathe? Yeah well, the troll doesn’t have that luxury. The troll is too busy sitting online, google image searching the word “Vagina” and looking around /b/ for pictures someone else created that they can post on forums to appear to be witty.

So, from these things we can figure out why trolls need the attention they so obviously crave. They are unloved, ignored, and usually insulted on a regular basis. They just want someone to “Like” their “hilarious” comment on Youtube. Just one lil’ green thumbs up will feed their fragile ego for the day.

Do we take pity on the troll? Do we take the five seconds to click that thumb? Do we lol at their comment? Fuck no. They’re not even worth that much time out of your day. Why communicate with these sacks of fucktard juice when you could do something more worthwhile with your time. Like stare at a wall. Or scratch your ass. Or scratch your ass while staring at a wall. Hell, even just completely spacing out and losing track of an hour of your life is more worthwhile than acknowledging these cock munchers exist.

The next step to understanding the wild Troll, is to look at the various types of troll. If “troll” is the Genus, then we must look at the Species. Here is just a FEW of the types of Troll you may stumble across during your time in the world wide web.

The Stealth Ninja Troll

“Hmm, is this guy a troll or just a bit weird? He seems normal enough, he took the time to capitalize letters and write out full words. I mean, the comments are actually making some sense and… NOPE, total troll. God dammit…”

Sometimes a troll likes to camouflage himself as a normal, useful human being. They’ll participate and act like a typical average person. However, a troll cannot resist it’s natural urges, and eventually they’ll make it pretty obvious they’re a douche fountain in disguise.

The Mush-Mouthed Troll

Sometimes trolls just flat-out make zero sense. You can see that they intended on saying words, but all that came out was an orgy of bad internet speak and unintelligible nonsense. You can usually spot this troll from a mile away. As you’re scrolling through the forum pages, you’ll notice occasional posts that look like someone vomited a bowl of Alphabet’s cereal on your screen. Beware, if you actually stop and attempt to read these posts, urine will shoot out of your eyes. This is your brain pissing itself in fear, for it just had a near-death experience.

The Screaming Banshee Troll

FUCK YOU COMPUTER KEYBOARD AND YOUR STUPID FUCKING CAPS LOCK! Trolls can’t resist the urge to e-yell at you. Nothing gets more attention than huge fully capitalized sentences. They’re literally screaming “PLEASE PAY ATTENTION TO ME!”. You may also notice a phenomenon known as “Exclamation Point Rape”. “YOU ARE SO STUPID!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11111oneoneoneoneone”. Never in my life did I think we would actually have to legally get a form of punctuation removed from all keyboards. The exclamation point did nothing to you, why do you have to victimize it so?! Let me say this in a way you’ll understand: STOP TYPING LIKE THIS OR I’LL CUT OFF YOUR TINY BALLS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The Gaytarded Troll

 

 

If inanimate objects, things you say, and videos had sexual preferences, they would apparently all be homosexual. This troll can’t come up with anything to say about anything except that it’s totally gay. Your gay. Your picture is gay. Your video is gay. What you just said is so gay. GAY! GAAAAAAAAY. It’s such a fun word. Gay gay gay. You know what’s really gay?! EVERYTHING!

Trolls seem to be unable to express dislike without drawing into question the thing they don’t like’s sexuality. I can just imagine them sitting there at breakfast.

“I bought new cereal, what do you think?”

“Eww! These Fruity Pebbles are totally gay!”

Now, putting aside the fact that Fruity Pebbles kinda ARE a bit gay, this would get annoying as the day progressed:

“Ow, I stubbed my toe! This table leg is such a fag. It’s a table fag!”

Or maybe…

“You have prostate cancer…”

“Prostate cancer is in your butt, right? My tumor likes to be inside men’s butts! That tumor is such a gaylord!”

Hell, even the end of the world has homosexual tendencies:

“Oh god, the sun is collapsing! The world as we know it is going to cease to exist!”

“The sun is such a queer! Lulz. Am I right? AM I RIGHT?! Hah… heh… I’m going to die a virgin…”

The Disliking Troll

“Thanks for posting this!” 1 person Dislikes this.

The fuck, how can you dislike a totally mundane and unthreatening post like this… Oh, it must be the Disliking Troll. For some reason, the fact that a Thumbs down button exists just draws the attention of the troll. If that button was a “This is totally gay” button, the troll would dump a happiness load. But until that happens, they’ll just have to settle for neg rep’s and thumbs-downs for no reason to show you just how superior they are to you. In their minds at least.

You see, they expect you to log on and see that someone “disliked” your opinion or negative rep’d your forum post and just start crying. I mean, is their any bigger insult than to be negative rep’d?! It’s like watching someone stab your mother repeatedly in the face! The pain is so unbearable. That little red thumbs down is going to be the only thing you’ll be able to see for the rest of your life. It’ll haunt your dreams. Everytime you think you’re doing something good, it’ll appear out of nowhere. Your very gravestone will just be a giant negative rep. How ever will you live? No, wait, what I meant to say is that disliking something holds less than zero power over a person, making it a completely useless gesture. My mistake.

The Counter-Troll Troll

I, uh, can’t find a picture for this one… sorry.

But yeah, the Counter-Troll Troll. If there is one thing trolls don’t like, it’s other trolls. Troll Two is stealing the attention that is rightfully saved for Troll One! How dare they! Troll Vs. Troll fights are breathtaking. Like staring at a shooting star going through a waterfall AND a rainbow while in a canyon during a sunset. It’ll blow your fuckin’ mind. The level of stupidity that goes into a Troll Vs. Troll battle royale is beyond imagination. 

“Ur gehy!”

“Psh, ur mom’s gehy!”

Stunning, isn’t it. The Counter-Troll Troll essentially breaks rule number one in dealing with trolls: Don’t feed the trolls.

That’s what it all comes down to. “Don’t Feed the Trolls”.

If you start to pay attention to the trolls, they eat it up like candy. OM NOM NOM ATTENTION. There are three types of food to provide to trolls:

1) Counter-Troll Chow – I discussed this already. Trolls eat the droppings of other trolls. It’s gross, but sometimes you do what you have to to survive. And if that means eating Troll Crap, so be it.

2) Fuck-Off Troll Snacks – If you tell a troll off, it’s like trying to put out a fire with gasoline. You’re just going to get more fire. Trolls love when you get mad. It means they have power over your emotional output. They are in control. You played right into their grubby Cheetos-stained claws. You’re now a gaytard. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

3) Reasoning Flakes – Don’t you EVER try to be a reasonable human being with a troll! Speaking in a calm, mature, respectful manner only makes a troll enter hyper-mode. Not only will you be counter-attacked with a barrage of “GAY!!!!!!” bombs, but you’ll never in a million years actually make them realize how stupid they’re being. No amount of “Come on, we’re all just trying to enjoy this web forum. Couldn’t you tone it down or go somewhere else? If you don’t like it, don’t read it. This is a place where everyone should feel welcome. What are you trying to achieve with your comments?” will save you. No matter what, a troll cannot be reasoned with. You should handle a troll much like the American government handles terrorists. No, I don’t mean you should fail to find the troll you were looking for and instead kill another troll, I mean you shouldn’t try to negotiate with them. It’ll never work. No matter how decent you are

So, how do you deal with trolls. You play the Ignore card. That’s it. Trolls will not go away. They’ll just sit in front of their computer and continue their nonsense until they perish. And even then they’ll live on through a new generation of douche monkey. All you can really do is ignore them, or at least have a bit of fun with them, and then go about your merry way. Let them have their fun, because eventually they’ll piss off the wrong person and get e-mailed a computer virus that deletes all their porn. And without porn, the internet troll’s depression will overwealm them and they’ll kill themselves. And the world will be a better place.

So, trolls, go kill yourself. Seriously. I’m not even kidding. Just don’t leave a mess. No one wants to clean up after you.

This Is The Title, Ya Know What I’m Sayin’?

Something annoyed me today. I bet you can’t guess where I was when it annoyed me! I’ll give you a hint:

I WAS ON THE FUCKING BUS!

AGAIN!

Why do I keep doing this shit to myself?! Why the don’t I just become an agoraphobe and never leave my house. Every time I get in that damn tin can of despair known as public transportation, something happens that makes me lose even more faith in humanity. I started out with no faith. I now have a negative million and six faith units of faith, a unit of measurement I invented just to give you a tangible figure for my plight. That’s a lot of faith units lost thanks to a bunch of poor fucks on wheels.

And what happens on buses to drop my humanity-faith stock value even lower? Cell phones. Cell phones, as I understand it, are a physical representation of Satan’s COCK! When you grip one in your hand, he ejaculates evil all over your face. A hell-sent money shot of pure, unadulterated fucktardedness. You are just a whore in the eyes of the underworld, and thou shalt taketh it all, bitch!

So, I hear it all take place in the seat directly behind me, because… why would it be far away? It has to be close to me. It has to be right there, in the back of my head, like the barrel of a hate-gun ready to blow hot anger directly into my gray-matter.

*ring* (not an actual ring, one of those annoying-ass cell phone ring tones that make you want to murder children when you hear them)

“Wud up!”

That was when I knew things were about to go awry. “Wud up”. If I were to translate that into a literal language, it would mean “The following conversation is going to make you wish you were deaf”.

“Wud up!”

And away we fuckin’ go!

The conversation that followed was pretty timid. It wasn’t the subject matter that bothered me this time. No, no, it was one simple little thing. Ya know what I’m sayin’?

Do you? Do you know what it is that I am currently speaking of? “Ya know what I’m sayin’?” Now, in and of itself, it’s harmless. Quite a few people say it every once and awhile. No, no, not this guy. It might as well have been a form of punctuation to this cock for brains. Like a comma. Repeating, over and over, as if he himself was curious what he was saying.

Now, I’ve heard offenders of this speech crime before, but never to this extent. It was as if he had “Ya know what I’m sayin’?” tourettes. A nervous tic that comes out as an inquiry to the nature of the person on the receiving end’s listening and comprehension skills. Ya know what I’m sayin’?

Over and over. How could it possible get worse?!

And why does that kind of question always lead to an answer in the form of a harsh reality that it can get worse. I heard something that, up until now, I figured to be impossible. Something that baffles my fragile mind even now.

“Ya know what I’m sayin’… ya know what I’m sayin’?”

Oh shit. Did he just say it twice in a row?! I quit. I retire. I’m done. Bye. This wasn’t even a “repeating the same question because the person didn’t hear it” kind of repeating. This was a dumbfounding reasonless repeating.

It reminded me of those multiple stabbings you hear about in the news. “So and so was found dead today with 326 stab wounds…”. And there you are, sitting there, thinking to yourself: “…well, that’s a bit excessive, ain’t it?” And excessive it was.

So, as my sanity was repeatedly stabbed for no apparent reason, I began to wonder how this phenomenon came into existence. What was the origin of “Ya know what I’m sayin’?” I would assume at some point in time, people had to check to make sure other people understood shit. That’s the only explanation I can find. There was a time during the development of human speech, when other people just flat-out didn’t get anything.

“So, it turned out it was a double donger…”

“…I’m sorry, I don’t understand what you’re saying…”

“You know, a double donger… it’s got a dickhead on both sides, so two people can enjoy it. Or one person if you bend it in a C shape…”

“Oh, right! Thanks for taking the time to explain that! Now I completely understand the message you were trying to convey to me about your girlfriend’s choice in sexual enjoyment equipment!”

Well, this kind of thing continued for too long, so someone decided: “Why don’t I just check to make sure the listener understands!”

“So, it turned out the vibrating egg wasn’t supposed to go ALL the way into your ass, do you understand what I’m talking about?”

“More than you can imagine, dear friend, more than you can imagine…”

And over time, as is the case with just about every useful statement, it was stripped down, turned into a nearly unintelligible manglement (Well, that’s a word NOW fuckers!) of its original self. It became more habitual than useful. It became a pile of verbal feces. Warm and steamy.

That brings us back to our friend, our splurge-rag for Satan. “Ya know what I’m sayin’?”‘s flying every which way. I had to find a way to turn what he was doing to me, the equivalent of violently and repeatedly raping my mental well-being, into a form of mild entertainment. So I closed my eyes, and let the twisted imagination-machine in my mind churn out some home-spun enter-sane-ment.

I began to apply his disorder to historical speeches. I wanted to see just HOW much damage the misuse of “ya know what I’m sayin’” could do to once spectacular achievements in vocalization.

Let’s begin with Martin Luther King Jr., shall we?

“I have a dream, ya know what I’m sayin’? That one day this nation, ya know what I’m sayin’?, Will rise up and live out the true meaning of its creed, ya know what I’m sayin’?: ‘We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.’ …ya know what I’m sayin’?”

How about a little FDR?

“So, first of all, let me assert my firm belief that the only thing we have to fear is fear itself, ya know what I’m sayin’? Nameless, ya know what I’m sayin’? Unreasoning, ya know what I’m sayin’? Unjustified, ya know what I’m sayin? Terror which paralyzes, ya know what I’m sayin’? Needed efforts to convert retreat into advance, ya know what I’m sayin’? Ya know… what I’m sayin’?”

It hurts, doesn’t it. Like salting a paper cut on your testy sack. Every “ya know what I’m sayin’?” a slap in the face of evolution itself. As if we’ve de-evolved to a point where we actually no longer understand our own speech patterns. We’ve lost verbal communication, and pretty soon our opposable thumbs! Then, it’s just a matter of time before we’re shitting in our palms and whipping it at each other. And to be totally honest… that sounds a fuckload better than this.

Ya know what I’m sayin’?

How To Make A Sixteen Year Old Girl Wet (aka Oil By Herself)

I’m going to take a short break from bitching about things to offer up a little parenting advice. I know, I’m not actually a parent, nor do I really give a squirt if you raise your children well ‘cause they’ll probably end up pricks regardless, but I think this is still good advice.

Under no circumstances should you ever let your 16 year old attempt to sail around the world by herself. Not ever. Got that?

I wish someone would have given this advice to Abby Sunderland’s parents.

If you don’t know who she is, it’s probably because you don’t pay much attention to the world of sailing. Probably because you have a life or better things to do. Sailing is one of those hobbies that are incredibly boring to anyone that doesn’t partake in it themselves. On the list of boring ass things you do that no one wants to hear about, it falls between stamp collecting and those old people that walk around on the beach with metal detectors picking up old bottle caps.

Abby Sunderland began her voyage with the plan to sail solo around the world. Why would she sail around the world all by her lonesome? My guess is it had something to do with a lack of friends. And she’s been doing it instead of going to school. Which, I’m sure, means she will grow up to be a very important member of society. That is, assuming she isn’t currently pursuing a career as a human buoy.

You see, Abby Sunderland sent out a distress signal recently. They’re sending in rescue from all over the fucking place. Abby could be dead. Or worse: about to get major press coverage! I hope this doesn’t turn out to be another balloon boy hoax. I hope she’s in real trouble. And I mean that with the utmost respect for her. And by respect I mean contempt. And by her I mean her parents.

Fuck her parents. Pieces of shit. It should be them drowning in the Indian Ocean, not their daughter. Most sixteen year old girls aren’t even allowed to be at a friends house past 11, let alone sailing around the fucking world! Why the hell would you let someone do that! Are you out of your damn mind?! This, to me, is the universe’s way of telling you to NOT let your 16 year old daughter sail around the fuckin’ planet on a big ass sailboat. And the universe is going to take drastic measures to get it’s point across.

How does someone even get to this point? I can just imagine a conversation between a sixteen year old and her parents regarding something like this:

“Mom, Dad, could I borrow the 40-foot boat?”

“Where are you going?”

“I’m going to sail around the world.”

“Who’s going to be there?”

“No one, I’m going by myself.”

“That boy isn’t going to sail around the world with you, is he?”

“No, me and him broke up. I’ll be all by myself.”

“Alright, make sure you have the boat back by November…”

Here is how the conversation should have gone:

“Mom, dad, I’m going to sail around the world all by myself this summer.”

“No, you’re going to finish your homework and get a job like a useful human being.”

“I hate you mom! You never let me embark on a dangerous solo sailing trip around the entire planet! Everyone else’s parents would let THEIR kids float around the Indian Ocean all alone with no way of getting help! God, I hate you so much!”

Seriously, I’m tired of these stories. They pop up all the time. This thirteen year old wants to climb Everest by himself. This 14 year old wants to man a submarine to the bottom of the ocean. This 4 year old is going to fly a rocket to Mars! And these parents just sit back and let their kids do what they want. And it always comes back and bites them in their neglectful asses.

Listen, parents, your kids have dreams. It is your job, as the adult in this relationship, to make sure they don’t ever get a chance to go after those dreams. If they do, they’ll fail. Big time. Just look at all those terrible pieces of shit that get torn apart during the American Idol tryouts. At least they’re just singing, and not, you know, putting their lives at risk in the middle of the ocean. What I’m saying is, Abby needed a Simon Cowell in her life. If someone would have told her that was a stupid ass idea, she wouldn’t currently be a blip on a radar in the middle of a massive body of water.

The thing that bothered me most about this article was this paragraph:

“At 8 p.m. (PDT) the Sunderland family sent out a prayer request to a group of Abby’s supporters saying two beacons she had activated — one on her survival suit or life jacket, and another on the 40-foot sailboat — were tracking together. They took that to mean she was still aboard the vessel.”

Excuse me, a “prayer request”? You are sending out a formal request for people to pray for her? Since when is prayer something you can ask for? Is there a form I have to fill out to request prayers? Where was that kind of power last time I had the acid shits?

“Dear Family And Friends,

Last night I ate three Volcano taco’s from Taco Bell, and I have spent the last several hours sitting on my toilet firing molten hot magma out of my rectum. If this goes on for too much longer, I will perish. Please pray for me and for my anus, and help bring forth God’s hand to put an end to this ass carnage.”

Prayer is not something you request from someone. If someone is going to pray, they’re going to pray.

And what’s the deal with “Abby’s supporters”. You mean that more than just her parents are encouraging this reckless and, frankly, brainless behavior? You know who these people are? They’re the people that spent their collage years yelling “CHUG CHUG CHUG” when their friends were doing keg-stands at the frat house. In other words: they’re douche bags that like to aid in the potential of people getting hurt.

As evil as it is, part of me hopes she is dead. Not because I have anything against her, I’m sure she’s a perfectly pleasant human being, but because I want her parents to pay for their neglectful bullshit.

You do not let your teenagers do shit like this. You are parents. You shouldn’t spend every night worrying that your daughter could wind up being eaten by a giant squid. You should be worrying that she’s being eaten by that punk kid with the purple Mohawk that rings people up at the 7-11. You shouldn’t be sending out prayer requests because your child is lost at sea. You should be sending out invitations to her sweet 16 birthday party (the purple Mohawk fucker isn’t invited!).

Honestly, I hope she’s alright. I hope that after they find her, they take her straight to a foster home. Following that, they should instantly remove the reproductive organs of her parents, making sure they NEVER have the opportunity to turn another child into fish food.

Alright, now that I’ve gotten that out of the way, let’s try to figure out what happened. Sure, the article offers some information about what could have gone wrong, but I have another theory: It’s BP’s fault.

That’s right, those oil spilling bastards are at it again. They kidnapped her, and sank her boat! Why would they do that? To make the Ocean look like the bad guy! Yeah, sure, why not?! We have been up their ass for so long, bitching about what they’ve done to the beautiful innocent Ocean. But what if they could prove that they did the world a favor by assassinating a large body of water? What if the ocean was a child-killing monster?! BP would be a hero! They killed the child molesting waters!

BP… oh BP… does your evil know no boundaries! What are you going to do now that I have revealed your terrible plan to turn the world against the ocean?! The secret is out, and I will not be silenced. Unless, of course, you give me a large quantity of money. Then I couldn’t care less who you kidnap or what stupid shit you do next. I can be bought out pretty easily. I have no moral compass, especially if it comes to a couple grand and free snacks from your gas stations.

Consider this my prayer request. Pray for my free Skittles and wads of cash.

But until I get my check, consider this my statement:

BP is a dumb ass company, desperate to cover up the fact they made quite possibly the biggest fuck up in all of fuck up history. They decided to use the crappy parenting of the Sunderland’s to their advantage, and poor Abby Sunderland is the victim.

Sucking Ass With Glee!

In High School, a lot of teens discover mild masochism. They begin “cutting”. You know, taking a semi-sharp object across your skin and opening wounds in hopes of… um… Well, I’m not exactly sure WHAT the fuck it achieves, but it achieves something. I guess maybe they want attention? I don’t know.

Anyway, that’s not the point. The point is, this is really just the beginning of the desire for pain. Sometimes, it gets taken to the extreme. Isn’t that right, David Carridine? Oh, sorry… too soon?

I, myself, never got into any of that. But, I do occasionally put myself into the position to be loaded to the brim with horror and pain. Not always on purpose, but not always by accident. Recently, I was exposed to more physical and mental pain than I thought I could handle. I was pushed to the threshold. I thought for sure by the end of this hour-long painful experience, that I would be no more. The overwhelming crushing feeling that wrapped around my head was almost too much to handle. But I made it through, and now, with great strain, I will recall the horrible events I put myself through just yesterday.

I watched an episode of Glee.

Even now, as I admit to myself that I did it, I feel my testicles struggling against me, attempting to pull away. Like when your aunt puts you in that “Too long awkward hug” and you push and struggle against the force of bad Macy’s perfume to get away from the death grip. My testicles are struggling to get away from someone who they have now deemed unworthy of keeping them warm and safe. I am sorry, manhood, I will redeem myself later by punching someone or peeing on something. I promise.

Why did I do it? Come on, why wouldn’t I? I need things to bitch about. I had heard people really liked it. That people thought it was fantastic. Which to me screams: “This show is total bollocks! You have to make fun of it and piss off the entire fan base!” And Jesus Hector Christ was I right. This show fails on levels that I didn’t imagine were achievable by something that wasn’t a reality tv show. I mean, I’d expect this shit from So You Think You Can Dance, but not from actual scripted television. Someone, maybe a room full of someones, sat down and took pen to paper for this garbage. Someone put creative effort into it. Worst of all: Someone is getting paid butt loads of money for this. That’s right, someone is actually being paid to urinate on my soul.

I have so many complaints about this show that I don’t even know where to begin. Let’s start off with a summary of what it’s about. Take 90210, strip out the attractive people, and add awful cover songs. And this goes on for an entire hour. Because, as I’ve been saying for years: there is no God.

The cast alone makes me hate a lot of things that would otherwise seem fantastic. Such as music. And diversity. That’s right, Glee made me hate diversity. I’m now wishing Hitler would come back to life and kill off everyone that isn’t a blonde white guy. Zombie Hitler is a better alternative than the mockery of true diversity that takes place on this show.

To give you a summary of how forcefully diverse the cast is, you’d have to go back to your middle school math book. Do you remember the table-data collecting problems? You would be given a table full of names and data to work with, and the names were always artificially filled with ethnic names so they could cover every base race.

Luis
Shaniqua
Chan
Jacque
Click-Clack-Clicky-Click-Cluck.
Bill

Meanwhile, you’d look around the classroom you’re sitting in and see 35 white kids and one very uncomfortable Spanish kid shifting in his chair. Ethnic diversity.

Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying DON’T cast black people or gay people or cripples. I’m just saying: Don’t cast them ALL. I went to school, there wasn’t a single “club” that had one of everything on the planet. Black. Asian. Gay. Crippled. Midget. Obese. Taoist. Martian. Wolfman. Someone named Stewart.

From what I could gather, this was what the “Glee Club” in the school was made of: A fat black girl who was very “Miss Thang-y”. A blonde white girl. A dark-haired white girl. A girl who appeared to be of Spanish origin. A Jewish kid. A dumb jock guy. A gay kid. A kid in a wheel chair. And a fat girl.

One of each. And boy did they make it obvious too. Look, I know there are people from all these groups in most schools, however, not all of them are THIS horribly stereotypical. The black girl was very much like EVERY overweight black girl you’ve ever seen on television. The gay kid was very homosexually stereotyped. The crippled kid was in the same bullshit stereotypical “wheel chair” that no cripples are ACTUALLY in in real life.

Wait, that last one didn’t make any sense… but you get my point.

My point is: It’s ok to be diverse. It’s not ok to be diverse because you have to. Be diverse, but don’t shove it down our throats like a bad after school special. Occasionally, there are white people on this planet.

Now, let’s get a little more into the cast. I don’t know there names, so I will call them by their diverse background labels.

Our friend the fat black girl, did she have a “Wha-eva” attitude? Check. Did she hit us with the: “You don’t know what it’s like to be black!” conversation? Oh yeah, that was there.

One of the white girls was pregnant, one of the rich white girls who could afford an abortion, but for someone reason wasn’t getting one because this is a Christian-oriented show and that’d just not be right. Of course, it is alright for her and the black girl to fight over the fact that white people can’t sing funk because they have nothing to be blues-y about. The conversation was about the battle of “being pregnant and looked at as a whore” vs. being black.

“I know I don’t know what it’s like to be black, but… people still look at me like I’m different! Like I’m a disgusting outcast! So I know what it’s like to at least be looked at as different!”

Someone fucking kill me. Being knocked up is in no way like being black, you stupid assholes. I do not recall a moment when we went over to Pregnantville and scooped up a boat load of preggers to pick our corn. We have never in the history of ever sold pregnant woman as property and taken them out back and whipped them if they talked back to us.

Oh, you’re also forgetting one other small detail: Being pregnant is not something you’re BORN WITH! It’s either planned out ahead of time, or the result of a very stupid fuck saying “I’m sure I won’t orgasm in 12 seconds, so I’ll have PLENTY of time to pull out and ejaculate on your face instead!”

The whole conversation was bullshit. It made me wish that she’d miscarry the fuckin’ kid right then and there so she’d shut the hell up.

How about the token gay kid? Seeing as this is choir class, there was bound to be the one gay kid in the school in it, right? Of course, because if there is one thing we know: All gay people are fantastic singers and think Choir is the only important thing on the planet. There is NO WAY the gay kid would be on the basketball team or playing drums in the band or something. No, he’s gay, so he’s going to be in the Glee club, dammit! Because we’re trying to be fuckin’ culturally sensative! I kinda wished the entire episode showed the gay kid kick the fuck out of the bigoted fucks that write this shit.

I am all for gay rights. I think gay people are far better than straight people. In fact, I think gay marriage should be legal and heterosexual marriage should be illegal. I am all about the gays, but for the love of all that is pure can we please stop with the stereotyping? Yes, I get it, a lot of gays have that gay-accent when they talk. A lot of them are upbeat, flamboyant and like singing and dancing. A lot of them are huge, bikers who like UFC and killing pansies too. Some of them have no unique voice at all, with no defining physical traits that separate them from anyone else. That’s right, some are what Catholics would call “Normal”. Why does he HAVE to be the over-the-top flamboyant gay guy?

And why the hell is the actor playing him breathing out after everything he says? I get the feeling that he was huffing helium to sound like that prior to every scene he was in. And it pained me to see. If he’s gay, make him gay. That’s great, but you’re making a mockery of homosexuality with these pathetic type-casting.

So, we’ve stereotyped blacks and gays, what else can we do? How about the Jews? Yeah, there was a Jewish kid, but shockingly, he wasn’t cliché. After seeing the black girl and gay guy, I was half expecting the Jewish kid to be walking around with bags of money strapped to him while he was pinning Jesus to a cross in the gym. No, instead, they made the Jewish kid the school tough guy. The bully. The straight-up gangsta.

Only issue was, I’m more tough than this douche-cock. “I’m going to kick his ass!” came across like Henery Hawk.

And he, as most tough guys do, was the resident rap star. Let me tell you something, five seconds into the awkward rap-style cover of Beck’s “Loser”, I actually found myself wishing this particular Jewish kid was in a camp or something, you know… where we could like… gas him or something to cleanse the tv of such impure nonsense.

…wow. In retrospect, that was a little anti-Semitic. Glee turned me into a Nazi sympathizer for a few minutes. That’s just how terrible of a show it actually is.

What could make this worse? Well, I haven’t even gotten to the show itself. The unnatural writing, the horrible conversations and terrible dialogue, the piss-pour attempts at humorous one-liners, it all was puked out onto the screen by a plethora of horrible actors. I’ve seen day-time soap opera’s with better acting. Every line was near-satirically over-dramatized. The “jokes” felt like I was reading R-Rated Laffy Taffy wrappers. The dialogue was so stinted and awkward that I almost felt like I was watching a training video for working at Burger King.

“Hello, sir, how are you this fine and wonderful day?! I am happy to serve you today here at Burger King. Would you like me to tell you our delicious specials? Or perhaps I can promptly and courteously get you an apple pie and nice, refreshing Coca-Cola Soda Product? Have you tried our flame-broiled, made with real beef hamburger before?’

No one talks with such static, robot-like perfection. Ever seen Twilight? They’re Academy Award-worthy actors compared to this garbage.

However, this is a show about singing, right? That’s the big thing, the musical numbers. This would be fine and dandy if anyone of these “actors”… COULD FUCKING SING! It was like watching the rejects episode of American Idol with a dramatic plot thrown in. Each time someone sang, it was worse than the time before. And I’m sure these people are at least decently talented singers, but the way they present the music is painful to watch.

They cut to obviously pre-recorded versions of the music. Their voices get WAY louder, and you can practically hear the auto-tune being clicked on just as they open their mouths to sing. More production goes into the music on this show than a fuckin’ Rush album. The only difference is: Rush albums are unique and interesting, the songs on this show are anything but. If you want to hear the same shitty High School choir version of “We Didn’t Start The Fire”, perhaps you should get up off your ass and go see the High School fuckin’ Choir! Because they don’t auto-tune and over-produce their songs. They actually sing them.

The horribly dorky plot didn’t help matters at all. I guess “Glee Club” is sur-e-us bizniz in real world. You know how Friday Night Lights shows how into football kids in Texas are? It was the same thing, only turned up to 11. Glee Club went far beyond anything you could imagine. It was near-cult like in this show. The kids based their entire lives around it. It seemed to seep into the Principle of the school and all the teachers too. The entire school seemed to orbit the serious nature of glee club.

Let me sum up the plots of last night’s episode, for those of you with a life who aren’t ever going to watch it;

-Black girl vs. preggers girl - As mentioned before, the black girl didn’t think white people could get the blues. White girl thought being pregnant was as hard as being black. They reached an understanding and are not bestest buddies. I gagged a little.

-The glee teacher got a divorce and it MIGHT interfere with his ability to teach GLEE! – Say it ain’t so! However, he is too busy with his rival glee teacher from the OTHER glee club to care. They have a big fight, he looks for ways to destroy her soul to get back at her. Hilarity ensues. Not really.

-There was a TRADER in the glee club! – He was a SPY from the other glee club, and he defected back with all their gleeful secrets. Oh, did we mention he broke the heart of one of our heroines?

The episode ended with him calling her, and it looked like love would conquer all. However, when she ran to him (in slow motion, IN SLOW FUCKING MOTION) in the school parking lot… the rival glee club hit her with eggs. Oh how I wish I was kidding… they hit her with eggs. In slow motion. IN SLOW MOTION. The ending line, as our trader went to hit our girl with an egg:

“Go on, break it… BREAK IT LIKE YOU BROKE MY HEART”

I don’t know about you, but that’s one tear-jerker of a line right there. I really feel sorry for this poor girl… no wait, I’m still too busy laughing at watching her get pelted with hen fetus’.

The show flat-out sucks. That’s all I can say. There is no fancy way of saying it. It blows total balls. It was worse than every show on the CW, COMBINED. There was absolutely nothing redeeming about it, at all. It had nothing to do with “it not being geared towards” me either. It was just straight-up poop.

How do I end this? Why, with a song of course!

“I’m a loser baby, so why don’t you kill me!”

*clack-clack*

*BOOM*

There, I killed you. Fuckin’ Gleeful loser.