I got in trouble at work for visiting my own site on the internet. I was pulled aside by my manager, and told that a site I visit is not work appropriate. That it’s full of vulgar language and themes that are not alright by corporate standards. The IT department may even need to ban the site.
…HOW FUCKING AWESOME IS THAT?!
Seriously, if I had to set a goal for my blog, it’d be that someday it would be the site that gets fuckin’ banned. I want to be the one protested, threatened, blocked. Hell, I’d love if someone took my blog out back and burned it like Christian’s do with Harry Potter books! That’s be fuckin’ fantastic! Perhaps, if I’m lucky, I’ll get you fired from your job for reading me bitch about stuff! Your unemployment would be my biggest victory!
I am going to take this time to present to you the NSFW logo. A logo I wear like a badge of honor. It’s like a big middle-finger to P.C. culture. Both kinds of PC culture, really.
Let it be known that when I Google Image Searched “NSFW” to find that logo, it turned up a bunch of porn. Some of it very weird. Some of it… VERY weird. None of it safe for work. Hell, half of it wasn’t even safe for masturbation.
The real beauty is the fact that I have to stop and think of what it was that pushed them over the edge. I’ve been visiting, and writing, most of these blogs there since the beginning. “Teh Co-Worker” often visits the site while at work as well. So, at some point, I wrote a blog that triggered the IT departments cache of “no-no’s”, forcing them to spring to work!
Was it the blog about a child-rape video game? Or maybe blog number two about Hitler? I suppose the over-use of the word “cunt” doesn’t help matters any. Maybe my site hit their “Cunt-Limit”? Or perhaps it was… no, you don’t think?! Maybe it was the… VEGEMITE?!
I mean, let’s face it. What terrible offensive thing haven’t I covered yet? Seriously, what? I need ideas for future blogs! Let’s make a list of all the things I’ve talked about that may have set off the censors:
-Rape
-Abortion
-Homosexuality
-Cunts (that makes three in this blog alone… a new FiS record!)
-Hitler
-Murder/Genocide/fuckin’ Omnicide!
-Child Abuse
-Various Disgusting Sexual Acts
-Miscarriages
-Pedophilia
-Beastality
-Racism
-Muskrats
-Spousal Abuse
That’s a pretty handsome list, if you ask me. Which you didn’t. But I’m telling you anyway, because that’s how this blog works.
But that does beg the question: Where do I go from here? Sure, I’m nowhere near out of creative obscenities. Nor do I think I’ll ever get tired of taking shots at things I shouldn’t make fun of. I’m sure I have at least four or five more blogs about hitting children with blunt objects in me. And I know I can talk all day about weird sex acts. In fact, I’ll have to tell you some other time about the website I found dedicated to women fucking squash.
Well, ok. I can talk about it now. Since you’re so interested, and just can’t wait. You see, I once stumbled upon a website for women fucking squash. You know, like the vegetable. The stuff you heat up in the oven with brown sugar? Yeah, jamming them in their crotches. Various other things like that too. Now look, I’m a pretty perverted guy and I dig the ladies and all, but somehow Gourd Fucking just doesn’t do it for me. And it ruined Thanksgiving!
“Bob, could you pass the squash”
“…you’re not going to fuck it, are you?”
And that, friends, is why every Thanksgiving I now have to eat in the Garage. False story!
Oh, and I suppose I haven’t talked to you about Necrophilia yet, have I? You know, I’m actually quite against necrophilia. And not for the obvious reason which is: “EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!”. No, I’m against it because I don’t like to know that there are dead people out their getting fucked more than me! That’s just not alright…
I actually told that necrophilia joke on stage once! In front of my mom! I’m such a classy dude. I’m NSFM. Not Safe For Mom’s. Unless your mom likes dick jokes and abortion material. In which case… is she seeing anyone?
What else is there? Incest? Don’t fuck your family members, that’s just not alright. They deserve a better lay than you! Seriously! If you absolutely MUST fuck a family member, make sure it’s a really young family member. Like your 7 year old cousin. That way, they won’t KNOW you’re a terrible lay, because they have nothing to compare it to! If you’re going to be incestual, be smart about it!
I’d apologize for the horrible crudeness of that incest joke, but at this point the apology for going too far is implied as soon as words start coming out of me. I’m actually quite proud of that.
Ultimately, you all know I’m joking. I don’t advocate child molestation. I don’t think we should all go out and start killing niggers. And don’t even get me started about how wrong it is to jam your penis inside a Giraffe. Seriously, I could go on for hours about how that’s just not fuckin’ alright. Not even when you’re drunk!
Now I’m starting to wonder what the point of this blog was? It was a reason for me to be even more vulgar than usually while recapping all the fun times I’ve already had with hell-sent thoughts.
Right, right, I was talking about how it was NSFW. And if it wasn’t before, it probably is now just for that bit about fucking your 7 year old cousin. Sorry about that. You’ll just have to read this in the comfort of your own home now, where you can read it without pants on. The way it’s meant to be read.
Anyway, I have no way of ending this, so I’ll just end it by saying:
Mohammed… Muhammad… however the fuck you spell it… was a child-molesting, giraffe-fucking fat bastard with man tits! He also had the smallest penis in all of the Muslim world.
…how about now? Can I get my death-threats from Muslim Extremists now? Please? Fuck…
