The two things the Midwest is fantastic at.
We’re great at hot dish, and we’re stunning at making crime fun and exciting. Perhaps I should provide a few pieces of proof to back up this claim. I can do that. First, we have the Tatter Tot Hot Dish.
Oh, you meant provide proof of the CRIME part. I can do that too. I have two news stories that happened recently that seriously make me love living in the middle of the country. The snowfall and sub-zero temperatures are really great at fueling sociopaths.
Let’s jump right into case number one: “Minneapolis Stabbing Allegedly Out Of Curiosity”.
That’s right, friends. Curiosity didn’t just kill the cat, it apparently also stabbed a dude. For poops and chuckles.
“A Wisconsin man is accused of stabbing a Minnesota man on Christmas because he wanted ‘to see what it felt like.’ “
Nothing like a little Wisconsinite-on-Minnesotan crime to brighten up the holidays and bring forth the Christmas cheer. You’ve got to applaud someone who’s willing to get arrested just out of wondering what it feels like to stab someone. Who HASN’T had that thought at least thirty or forty hundred times in their life? Who hasn’t wondered what it’d feel like to shank a dude in the rib cage, just for the fuck of it?
I can understand where this total nutcase is coming from. I’ve had many a thought along these same lines. I know that comes as a surprise, what with me being so together and obviously not fuck-crazy, but yes, I have had these thoughts. Thoughts such as “I wonder how close to fully engulfed in flame I could get that old lady over there” and “If I took out my cock and peed on that guy, how would he react?” and “I bet I could throw that screaming baby at LEAST thirty feet…”
The only difference between me and “Twenty-nine-year-old Nicholas Leigh Tretter of River Falls, Wis.”, is I don’t DO THIS SHIT FOR REALZIES!!!
“Prosecutors say Tretter followed the man off a Minneapolis bus Friday. As the man walked away, Tretter allegedly ran up and stabbed him from behind, continuing to stab him as he collapsed.”
And people wonder why I don’t want to ride the fuckin’ bus! As if I didn’t have enough to worry about while riding the bus. Am I sitting in a seat that was previously occupied by a crazy guy who pooped his pants? Is that guy over there with the lazy eye looking at me, or is that just the eye? Did the bus driver just spit up blood? Why am I the only white guy here? Now I have to also worry that someone is going to just up and stab me? Fantastic. Really. I’m so fuckin’ stoked to know that that is a possibility.
I don’t know about you guys, but I’m pretty much set in my beliefs that I do not wish to be stabbed. Ever. Not even curious how it feels. In fact, if I went my whole life without ever having a knife plunged into my kidney by someone, I wouldn’t even be the slightest bit disappointed. “Being Stabbed” isn’t even in the top ten thousand things I want to have happen to me in my life. It ranks just under “having a pickle shoved in my anus”. And believe me, that’s really fucking low on my list.
I love the last piece of that sentence though. “continuing to stab him as he collapsed.”. Well, at least he didn’t half ass it. What conviction! He didn’t stop at one poke, he made damn sure the job was done right. If you’re going to do something, you might as well do it well. Kudos to you, Nick, for taking it to the limit.
“The victim had a 4-to-6-inch cut on his neck as well as stab wounds to his back and left side.”
I’d like to point out the guesstimation that the medical examiner took at the size of the gash. He ballparked it. “Meh, it’s like… four, five… maybe three feet or so in length, it’s really hard to tell.”
The only thing that is disappointing, is Nick turned himself in! Come on man, if you’re going to go randomly stab someone for fun, at least make a game of it. See how long you can avoid getting arrested. See if you can frame someone for it. I was on your side, but then you pulled this shit. You fuckin’ wimp! This was the perfect crime. No motive! I’m pretty sure “Just ’cause” isn’t a motive in the minds of police. No one is going to think this was an experiment! You could have easily gotten away with it. But no, you had to “do the right thing” and “take responsibility for your actions”. How pathetic.
In summary: This is why people from Wisconsin should stay the fuck in Wisconsin.
Alright, let’s move on to our second, and even more interesting story: Minnesota Man Accused Of Threatening Teen With Sword.
Now this is my kind of story! Anytime the word “Sword” appears in a headline, you know it’s gonna be friggin’ sweet!
“A Richfield man is accused of abusing his girlfriend’s teenage son, breaking his nose and threatening to cut him open with a samurai sword.”
Yeah, that pretty much qualifies as abuse alright. I love the escalation.
-I’m going to abuse him!
-I’m going to break his nose!
-I’m going to SPLIT HIM IN HALF WITH A SWORD!
“Forty-four-year-old Craig J. Kurzawski was charged Tuesday with a felony count of making terroristic threats and a gross misdemeanor count of malicious punishment of a child.”
If anything, “terroristic threats” just about sums it up. If anything is going to strike terror into someone, it’s the prospect of being split the fuck in HALF! And “Malicious Punishment” is a pretty fuckin’ correct term too. We would have also accepted: CRAZY ASS PSYCHOPATHIC BEHAVIOR!
“The teen’s mother tells authorities Kurzawski punched the 14-year-old in the face and torso while forcing him to do push-ups, sit-ups and squats.”
Ah-HA! The plot thickens. Now excercise is involved! I knew working out was bad for you! First of all, I’d like to comment on how difficult it would probably be to do push-ups when someones hammering you in the torso. In fact, it’d probably be near impossible. I can barely do a push-up as is, let along when someone is UFCin’ my ass in the ribs while I’m doing it.
And why is he making the kid excercise with this much anger? I understand that working out is important (I guess), but is it really worth… you know… threaten to gut a kid? Actually, it’s a little known fact, but this was the same guy who helped Oprah lose all her weight. They call it the “I’ll Cut You Open And PULL The Fat Out If You Don’t Start Doing Some Fuckin’ Sit-Ups” Plan. It’s a bit wordy, but at least it’s straight-forward. And people appreciate honesty.
“She says Kurzawski also took a sword off the wall and ran it along the boy’s chest from his neck to his stomach, saying he could ‘cut (the boy) open like a dead fish.’ “
Let’s wind it back a second and look at this logically: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE A SWORD ON THE WALL TO BEGIN WITH?! You know what I have on MY wall? Posters! Pictures of Family! I don’t have Medieval weaponry on display. If you collect swords, you’re already a scary person. But do the world a favor, and don’t hang the sum-bitch up where everyone can see it! Are you really expecting to show this off to friends when they come over?
“Wow, those are beautiful pictures. Is that your mother? She’s lovely. Oh, and look at the picture of the baby and the dog. And what’s this above the… Jesus fuckballs Christ is that a MANSPLITTER?!”
“A Hennepin County court official says Kurzawski did not have an attorney listed Wednesday morning. Kurzawski is due in court Wednesday afternoon.”
And isn’t it obvious why? Defense attorneys will do just about anything for money. They’ll defend rapists, they’ll defend child molesters, they’ll defend Tiger Woods. But they sure as hell are not getting involved when the word “Sword” appears on the paperwork. I think this is something that is best left up to King Arthur’s Court, not the Hennepin County court.
I couldn’t even imagine this being on the docket.
“Alright, first we have a guy who ran a red light and hit a car.”
“Easy.”
“Next, we have a man late on his child support payment”
“Easy.”
“And then we have a guy who threatened to split his girlfriends kid open with a katana”
“…A… Katana”
“Yeah, big fuck sword, your honor.”
“…I need a drink.”
Now, I don’t know a lot of things, but I do know this: If someone was pointing a sword at me, my ass is gonna be doin’ a ton of fuckin’ sit-ups! I don’t care how much it hurts, it can’t possibly suck any more than having your whole body divided in two. So, if anything, this guy was at least a decent motivator.
So there you have it. Minnesota crime at it’s finest. The only way, THE ONLY WAY, this could have been better, is if these were combined into one story.
“A local man is charged with decapitating a stranger on the express way today with a broadsword. He claims to have done it ‘Because it sounded like fun’ “
I can dream. I can fuckin’ dream.
