The Priorities of Modern Man

The Future.

No one knows what it’ll hold. It could be filled with great achievements, or it could be filled with great evils and even greater disasters. Considering our track record as of late, I’m leaning towards the latter.

I know, we’ve made leaps and bounds in technology in the last few decades. We’ve cured diseases. We’ve solved many problems to up the speed and efficiency of life. We’ve also made it possible to do almost everything without thinking. A prospect which sounds lovely to most, but terrifying to me.

You don’t know what I mean? Allow me to explain. The Lexus LS series parks itself.

Got that? The car parks ITSELF! This was a big thing for about twenty three minutes a few years back, and it’s really just a drop in the bucket of things that frighten me. All the futuristic thriller sci-fi movies show robots taking over the planet. The AI gets too smart and they snap and kill us all. I’m pretty sure at the start of those movies, cars are parking themselves. At least we don’t have robots that clean up after us!

Oh, nevermind. First, it’ll sweep your floor of all the dirt. Next? It’ll clean THE WORLD of useless humans! I’m on to you vacuum robot. You little waffle-iron lookin’ mother fucker.

Now, before this sounds too cynical (like anything I ever say sounds cynical. Psh.), I’d like to say that these two things do serve a purpose. Sure, it’s lazy as hell to sit on your ass while a giant circle cleans your house, but at least that’s a purpose. Predating these two things however, was the moving sidewalk. Moving. Fuck. Sidewalk. Really, this marked the beginning of the end of us as a species. And no one seems concerned but me!

These are the obvious ones though. The ones that stick out the most. The ones everyone looks at and laughs. And then wishes they had them.

Now, the human mind has achieved many great things. We really have. But for every intelligent person, there are about thirty thousand idiots. And that ratio is being turned even more in the favor of stupidity by the people who are intelligent, but utilize it in useless ways. For now on, we’ll refer to them as Smartards.

The Smartards have taken over the world. The reason we can’t fix any real problems, make real advancements, is because of the Smartards. We don’t have those flying cars I was promised, and that pisses me the hell off.

I’m going to present now a small list of things the Smartards have given us that serve no real purpose other than to shorten our stay in this universe.

We’ll start with chewing gum. Yes, chewing gum. Originally, a simple concept. Take gum resin, and flavor it. Awesome. Helps people with oral fixations. Sweet and simple. The way it should have stayed. But no, no no, it kept going. They couldn’t stop with just flavored. That flavor had to be “Extended, Long Lasting!”. Why? Because we are too cheap to buy another pack, and we need to be chewing on something every second of every day!

That’s what gum has become. We, the nation of big-fat-fatty-fatasses has to be eating every second of every day. But if we did that, we’d explode. So, we use gum as a means to keep our mouths occupied so we don’t accidently shove your own young into our mouthes and eat them like gerbils.

But it didn’t stop there. At some point in my life, gum became a dental tool. Now it’s “Dentist Approved! Long Lasting Flavor!” gum. They’re trying to make it surpass brushing our teeth! How fucked up is that! We can’t even lift a stick up to our face and move it up and down for a few minutes!

Speaking of toothbrushes. Let’s put those on the list of things the Smartards have ruined for me. Remember what it used to be? It used to be a brush. For your teeth. That’s it. A fuckin’ brush.

Then they added that little blue strip. The one that tells you the toothbrush ain’t good no more. Because we’re too dumb to go “…wow, this thing looks sorta nasty… I should probably not stick it in my face anymore…”

You’d figure that’d be enough. But no, no no, it was NOT. How can we make brushing easier! Less energy consuming. Well, we could make them electric. And why not!

I wouldn’t put something like that in my mouth if you paid me to. It looks like it could be used for self-defense. Or rectal pleasuring. When toothbrushes begin to resemble sex toys, it’s time we dial it back a bit.

The Smartards have really spent a lot of time in your mouth, haven’t they? Well, they can continue that trend with flavored condoms. Because sexual protection needs to taste nummy.

The condom may be the single most advanced thing mankind has ever come up with. Does that scare anyone else? We’ve got spermicide, ribbed for her pleasure, extra-strength, lubricated, reservoir tipped, biodegradable, flavored condoms. And ample supplies of them. So ample that we can’t help but litter the streets with them!

Sex is something that’s real important to the Smartards. It may or may not be because most of the Smartards aren’t HAVING any sex, but that’s beside the point. The real point is… well, the real point is a giant rubber cock that is scientifically sculpted to hit your clit perfectly. That’s what the real point is.

Vibrating buttplugs? We got ‘em. Sex swings? Check. Giant devices that literally fuck you where you lay? What kind would you like?! Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for a good time, but there has to come a point where we stop spending so much effort and time on getting off. I suppose I should be happy, most of these toys and the protection prevent some pregnancy, but it really is getting out of hand. “Out of hand” may or may not have been a masturbation joke.

And the good news is, if you’re too ugly to get fucked, the Smartards can help you there too. Because even medical school is now plagued with Smartards as well.

That’s right, we have plastic surgery. Sure, there is plenty of it that’s necessary. Let’s say the Vice President of the United States accidentally blasts off half your face with bird shot while hunting. Don’t worry, we can put it back on.

But that’s not what I’m talking about. I’m talking about the vanity medical stuff. The botox and face lifts and implants and hip shaving and the chemical peels and the hair plugs and the laser surgeries and the liposuction and the “natural male enhancement” pills. Keep in mind we can’t cure cancer. But your tits look fabulous!

And how can we contact Miss Flawless-For-A-Price and get her over to our place so we can fuck her with the vibrating remote controlled butt plug, with out breath that is fresh from the Sonicare 2000 Super-brush and new Dentist-Approved Ultimate Toothcare bubble-yum pelting her in her chemically treated face? Easy, we use our cellphone/camera/gps tracking device/personal media and mp3 player/text messaging/internet ready device. That’s how.

Fuck cellphones. How the fuck do we think we’re ever going to stay on this planet if we keep pumping so much shit into cellphones. You know what they’re doing, right? They’re making it so our entire life can be carried on one tiny fucking handheld thing. Imagine that. A monopoly on life itself. I’m waiting for the day when cellphones actually spew out Starbucks coffee. It’ll happen. It’ll fuckin’ HAPPEN. You’d figure with all these amazing additions to portable communication, they’d actually make a phone that could fuckin’ work as a PHONE!

You know what the most used feature of a cellphone is today? Checking the time. Didn’t we used to have an article of clothing, an accesory, that did that once? Oh yeah, a watch! The Smartards figured we might as well over-haul those as well. And thank your imaginary higher power that they did! They have divers watches. Divers. Watches. Do you know what those do? Tell time UNDERWATER! Are you SHITTING ME! What the FUCK possible real life application could that have?! Divers dont need them. No diver is underwater and then goes “Oh shit, it’s almost 7 I better get out of the bottom of the ocean or I’ll miss Ugly Betty!” Alright, maybe a diver needs one so he can make sure he doesn’t run out of air or something. I guess I’ll let that slide, but…

How do you explain the regular watches that still work underwater? Are we too lazy to take it off when we shower, is that what this is? Outside of being a diver, I see no reason why you’d need to check the time when you’re under water. Unless you’re looking for an exact time of death when you drown, it seems useless to me.

And whats with the watches that have multiple different times on them. Have you seen this shit? They’re expensive too. All so you can tell what time it is where you are, and what time it is in Pango Pango. Helpful, I’m sure, if you’re The Flash.

ZOOOM!

“Shit, I’m in New Guinea now… damn, that means my watch is going to be off. Oh wait…”

Well, speaking of time. I think it’s time for me to close the book on this riff about Smartards. I’d usually end this with a plea of some sort. Trying to get them to focus on more important shit. Such as blowing up the moon or keeping my farts from ruining social interactions. But no, no no, no plea today. Instead, I’m simply going to throw my hands up on this one. The Smartards are plentiful, and they have their dicks in everything around you. They’ll be the undoing of mankind. But don’t panic. They are good for something.

They give me a lot of funny shit to bitch about!

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Also, I’m really sorry about that picture of The Flash. It’s even more creepy than the one of Aquaman I put in my blog about
muskrats.