Subtle My Ass

Clothing.

It serves several purposes in our life. It helps protect us from the elements. It serves to some as a form of expression. Sometimes it’s used to advertise a band or a product. And it also keeps you from being naked. And trust me, there are A LOT of people that need clothing for this purpose. I don’t care if they’re hot or cold or want me to know what they like, I just really don’t want to see them naked. Thanks clothing!

However, perhaps the most important use of clothing is undiscovered by most of the people walking this great planet: Absorbing gas!

Alright, so this probably isn’t considered “clothing” more as it is an accesory, but the point is still there. Recently, I discovered something known only as the Subtle Butt.

The Subtle Butt, as I understand it, is a pad of some kind that actually absorbs, for lack of a better term, Southern Winds. Of course, they refur to it as a “Gas Neutralizer”. But we know what it is, really. It’s a FART EATER. It eats farts, there for it’s a fart eater. Don’t try to get all high-tech on me Subtle Butt.

Gas Neutralizer. Really? That sounds like some kind of advanced military weapon.

“Hey Sarge, we want those people over there dead or close to it.”

“Well Private, why don’t you launch a gas neutralizer over there and watch them all implode.”

“…it’s an honor to serve under such a great man…”

According to this page, it consists of two layers. The first is a “soft fabric with antimicrobial treatment”. First off, let me just say this: If I’m cramming it in my pants, it fuck-damn better be soft! I’m not shoving some sheet of sand-paper down my drawers just to “neutralize gas”. Sure, the gas problem is taken care of, but now my ass is raw. Soft = IMPORTANT TO ASS-WEAR!

And is it just me, or is “antimicrobial treatment” one really fucking advanced term to be used in regards to something made to absord farts? Once I figure out what the fuck “antimicrobial” means, I’m going to probably be pissed about it. Time to dial up Wikipedia, and figure this one out.

“An antimicrobial is a substance that kills or inhibits the growth of microorganisms such as bacteria, fungi, or protozoans, as well as destroying viruses.”

This certainly seems to imply that my ass leaks “protozoans”. Sweet merciful crapballs that sounds rather frightening. Or perhaps it actually can cause FUNGUS to grow?! Basically, the word is a broad term used to describe things like antibacterial spray and other things like that. Basically, they don’t want the fart eater to be a DIRTY fart eater. ’cause, well, that’d be gross!

Anyway, back to the Subtle Butt. The second layer of this fine product is described as such:

“Activated carbon with vast surface area to which stench adheres and gets neutralized.”

Now that is one scary, scary sentance. Let’s start off with “Activated Carbon”. Let’s head back to wikipedia and find out what the hell THAT means!

“Activated carbon, also called activated charcoal or activated coal, is a form of carbon that has been processed to make it extremely porous and thus to have a very large surface area available for adsorption or chemical reactions.”

So now I’m sticking charcoal in my pants? Sure, that sounds fuckin’ smart. Sounds to me like a fabulous way to start an ass-fire. Or turn my ass black. Either way, this doesn’t sound good to me.

I also love the term “Extremely porous”. I have no joke about it, just thought it was a cool sounding term.

It would appear this “activated carbon” is good for stopping chemical reactions. Which is great, because when I find out I’m shoving a form of fuel down my pants, there may be a couple of those chemical reactions going off. What happens when urine mixes with coal?

Anyway, back to our description of layer two. Let’s tackle the next phrase in that sentance: “Vast surface area”

What are you trying to say, you bastards?! “Vast”?! Fuck you! What makes you think I need “Vast surface area”. Why not just cut the rhetoric and euphemisms and say what you want to say: “LOTS of room for your fat ass”. Wow, Subtle Butt, you’re just cruel.

“Stench adheres and gets neutralized.”

Stench. That’s fantastic. Could have used one of many words. Odor. Smell. But no, they went with a more extreme word. A stronger, much more unpleasant word. Stench. What are you eating that causes you to emit a “stench”. Then again, if you need a product like this, stench is probably a very fitting word.

So the second layer catches the stench, and eliminates it. Like some kind of stinky terminator. Kudos, Subtle Butt. Until now I never hated the word neutralized. But now…

Alright, let’s take a look at the company that makes such a fine product. Pond Inc. out of Irvine, California. They have a whole slew of products of this nature over at Garment Guard!

Among the list of products that are fairly simple and useful, we have our Subtle Butt.

“Subtle Butt™ is a disposable gas neutralizer made of activated carbon fabric with an antimicrobial layer. Each 3.25-inch square shield is held onto the inside of underwear or pants with two self-adhesive strips. Subtle Butt effectively filters flatulence, absorbing and neutralizing its odor. “

There is more in that one paragraph than my feeble mind could ever possibly handle. I may need to start drinking just to cope with this. Alright, let’s dive right into it.

“Disposable gas neutralizer”

Disposable? Let’s fucking hope so! I’m sure as hell not keeping something like that in the drawer next to my socks! And I would hate to find out how you clean something that’s filled with farts. I could imagine it would be the same process they use to clean bus seats: They Don’t.

“Each 3.25-inch square shield“

I’m not sure I even want to go there. Nevermind, yes I do. SHIELD?!?! Are you shitting me! A SHIELD! A shield is used to defend your life! How bad are your farts that you need a SHIELD!

“Sir, I’ve brought your shield. What do you need it for?”

“To protect myself against swords, arrows, and post-Gas Station Burrito farts that may be sent my way!”

I’m starting to get worried that this product is made for, and by, clinically insane people. Perhaps it’s made by the same people that made THESE!

“held onto the inside of underwear or pants with two self-adhesive strips.”

For some reason, I read this sentence as “Held onto the inside of your underwear, and if you aren’t wearing underwear, your regular pants work I guess… you pervert.”.

With two adhesive strips. Folks, listen. There are certain words, phrases, that do not belong in sentences involving the “private sector”. One of those words is “prickly”. One of the most important is “Adhesive”. Adhesive makes things stick together. And ass-cheeks are two things that should not live in fear of this. Just sayin’.

So, I clicked on the product page. And discovered the greatest picture that has ever happened upon my eyes. Just head over to this page and see for yourself. That there is a major win if I ever saw one.

Below, we find a tiny picture that has the instructions for this product. And yes, they too are fuckin’ hillarious.

Step 1: Peel off adhesive and stick Subtle Butt onto the inside of your underwear or pants, exactly where you think it goes.

Well I don’t know about you, but I’m in tears right now. Laughing and crying tears, at the same time. At least these people realize this product is hillarious, and have a bit of a sense of humor about it.

The next step is my personal favorite:

Step 2: Go for it. Let ‘er rip. Have at it. Cut loose. Break wind. Gas it up.

I almost feel like writing these people a love letter now. Because no matter how hard I try to wrap my head around that “instructional step”, I can’t seem to figure out HOW it’s not the funniest fucking thing ever written.

The third step talks about throwing it away and getting the fuckin’ adhesive off your underpants. Which I really think you should consider. I could only imagine what adhesive in your underpants looks like. A white, sticky substance in your pants. And after all that smiling you were doing while wearing them!

More research on this site shows a few things.

1) I have no life and spent entirely too much time invested in websites selling Fart Eaters.

2) These are apparently for sale at Nordstroms. Which scores them extra points on the awesomeness scale.

3) We can CONTACT THEM! Oh joy!

Let’s focus on the third one, shall we. Awhile back, when I discovered this site, I did indeed send them an email. I used the same tact and grace that I do when writing this blog. And even with all that, they still haven’t sent a response. How rude!

Ultimately, I’m sure this product is helpful for people with over-active colons and severe gas problems. I’m sure it’s a fine product. However: It it horribly silly! And it’s way too advanced of a technology for my liking. It’s as if NASA spent billions of our… tax… dollars… SON OF A BITCH! I knew this sounded like some space-aged shit. Damn you NASA, you didn’t spend that money on blowing up the moon! You spent it on Fart Eater research. I’m on to you, you bastards!

Anyway, this whole thing stinks, so I have to go. But let it be known, that if this sparks your interested in this product, and you purchase it. I don’t want to know you.