Just Because You Can…

…Does not always mean you should.

A statement most of us believe to be true. Just because you CAN stick you face into an active lawn mower blade, doesn’t mean it’s a good idea.

The same thing applies to things we stick in our face.

This whole idea started when me and a work peep decided to randomly look up “Mongoose” on Wikipedia. Don’t ask, just know it’s not the strangest thing we’ve looked up. I was curious to the plural of the word. Is it Mongooses, or Mongeese? Interestingly enough, both are acceptable, but Mongooses is the general term. A completely irrelevant piece of information, compliments of FiS.

Anyway, back to the point. Through this, we moved on to other critters that were similar. And the next stop was the always delightful Muskrat.

Alright, so it’s not that fuckin’ delightful. In fact, it’s flat-out ugly and useless. Or so I thought. It seems it may have more use than we thought. Like making hidious coats. Or, and this really depresses me, EATING!

That’s right folks, you can actually chew THIS fucker for sustanance:

ZOMG WTF?!?!

Yeah, that looks fuckin’ scrumptious, don’t it?

Clearly this is a southern thing, right? They’ll eat anything with legs down there. Right? WRONG. This shit takes place in Michigan. That state that sits around and acts like it’s all innocent. But we’re on to you Michigan, you sneaky lil’ bastard. Hiding up there in the “Great Lakes” pretending you’re just another Midwestern state, but in truth… oh in truth… you’re harboring a lot more than ships. You’re also hosting a feeding frenzy on something that should be shot and then disposed of, not shot and then put into a stew.

Why do they eat it? Oh, it gets better. Wikipedia provides THIS tidbit of information:

“Muskrats have sometimes been a food resource for humans. Muskrat meat is said to taste like rabbit or duck. In the Roman Catholic Archdiocese of Detroit, there is a longstanding dispensation allowing Catholics to consume muskrat on Ash Wednesday and the Fridays of Lent (when the eating of meat, except for fish, is prohibited): because the muskrat lives in water, it is considered equivalent to fish”

So much fail went into that paragraph, I don’t even know where to start. Let’s start with THIS sentance:

• “In the Roman Catholic Archdiocese of Detroit…”

Excuse me, the WHAT now?! Archdiocese of… Detroit? Of DETROIT!? This basically means it’s a important building to the Roman Catholic religion. Now, I don’t know too much about Detroit, but I’m pretty sure I do know that the Catholic God hates it. I mean, how else do you explain the Lions? Detroit is not a place I’d ever go to have a religious experience.  The only way I can describe Detroit’s existance is, it’s sorta like a piece of shit took a shit. Detroit is a Shit’s Shit!

Let’s keep going, shall we. So the very important Roman Catholic establishment in the shittiest shitty city ever to be shitty has dictated THIS about the lovely Muskcrap (see what I did there! Clever, eh?):

• “…dispensation allowing Catholics to consume muskrat on Ash Wednesday and the Fridays of Lent”

PRAISE JESUS! You mean to say we can eat MUSKRATS! Oh, thank you O God of all things beautiful and tasty. I can’t wait to shove this overgrown furball into my mouth one delicious morsal at a time. But why, why are we allowed this blessed piece of meat during a time that usually does not allow us to consume such tasties? Well, because the logical and scientific minds of the Catholic church came up with this fact:

• …”because the muskrat lives in water, it is considered equivalent to fish”

I hate you. It’s as simple as that. That makes SO little sense, it’s actually causing me a great deal of strain just to read the words. My eyes may actually begin bleeding at any moment. We don’t know for sure what causes brain aneurism, but I’m pretty sure ideas like that are a good place to start. That’s brain-bleeding stupid right there, folks.

So they think it’s a fish, huh? Anything that happens to exist in water, is a fish? What about Mermaids, can you eat them? Or Aquaman? Don’t tell me the Detroit Roman Catholics condone eating HIM:

…

OM NOM NOM AQUAMAN. I’d actually much rather eat a fictional failure of a superhero than knaw on a Muskrat-ka-bob anyday!

I have decided to take this investigation even further. Like finding me some delicious ways to prepare the muskrat. Oh, Google. Could you please show me the search results for “Muskrat Recipes”?

Yes, Google most certainly CAN.

And the first results? EVERYTHING MUSKRAT! A wonderful website dedicated to this failure in Darwinism. Survival of the fittest my ass!

The top of their recipe page provides this plea to all readers:

 ”If this sounds gross to you, let me assure you it really isn’t. Although the muskrat is a rodent, it is not a rat. Eating muskrat is like eating rabbit or squirrel. It’s not common in most North American cultures today, but muskrat is reported to be very tasty.”

Heh, could it be that it’s not common because… IT’S A FUCKING MUSKRAT?! Naw, I bet it’s just dandy as a meal. You can apparently braise it. Fry that sumbitch. You can also make it into a lovely soup. Cambells doesn’t carry a Muskrat Soup, do they? Maybe Cream Of Muskrat?

Holy fuck, anyone else just puke a little?

It gets better. There is a link below for… wait for it…

MUSKRAT CASSEROLE

Well fuck me sideways boys and girls. Seems this really is a Midwest thing. You mean to tell me a can of Green Giant green beans and some tatter tots in a pan with Muskrat can actually happen? What did I do to deserve such wonderful news?

Unfortunately, the link no longer works. It appears the recipe for Muskrat Casserole has been taken down. Probably by the Federal Government, because something like that should classify as a terrorist attack on this country.

I’m just not convinced about the Muskrat. I want to know MORE about our friend. Let’s head back to Wikipedia and find out about it’s Conservation Status.

“Least Concern”

I love Wikipedia simply for this two-word sentance. The use of the word “least” makes me happy. Not only is it of LITTLE concern of going extinct, they’re pretty much saying it is the LAST animal  you should be concerned about. This doesn’t even necessarily mean that it’s NOT going to go extinct. It just means no one gives a leaping dick if it does or not. We’re more concerned about the extinction of EVERYTHING ELSE THAT IS ALIVE ANYWHERE, EVER! It’s almost as if conservationists are actually TELLING the muskrat to fuck off and die.

And that’s why we put the mother fucking in a pot with some carrots and celery and watch it slow-boil until dinner time.

In summary:

FUCK YOU MUSKRAT. I don’t want to see you, I especially don’t want to eat you, and I’d rather be hit in the face with a double-donger until I look like Rocky at the END of one of the movies than wear you as a coat. You are a useless creature, and I hope you go extinct faster than Molly Ringwald’s career.

Also, Mongooses… Mongeese? Mongi are fucking adorable. Just see for yourself:

O HAI!