In a previous blog , I described myself as “Morbidly Stick-Like”. Allow me to give out the details for emphasis. I’m roughly 5’4″ and weigh 105 if I’m lucky. And that is really being generous most days.
However, the thing is: my sugar intake is obscene. I love cakes and pies and cookies and candy. Oh candy. I’d have a sexual affair with candy if such a thing was legal in states other than Arkansas.
And what better holiday for this near-fetish love than Halloween? A holiday where, as a young lad, I could go door to door and people would just GIVE me candy!
GIVE IT TO YOU FOR FUCKING FREE!!!
If anything in this mortal realm gave me faith in a higher power, it was that. Ok, not really. But you get the point.
Ever been to a candy website? Those are like porn sites to me. I sit around rubbing my belly. The skittles website? HOLY SHIT! “Mmm… look at the S’s on those Tropical ones…”
However, as a child, I was warned of something awful. Quite possibly the worst atrocity ever to be commited on the human species. Something on a level of evil that I never thought possible. It’s as if a hole opened in the ground and Satan himself comes up to commit these disgusting acts.
I’m of course talking about tainting candy with things like razor blades.
It happens. It’s not just some twisted urban legend. It actually makes me shake with anger and cry with bitter sadness at the exact same time. I can’t even begin to describe how terrible this act is.
Children’s safety? Oh fuck the children. I’m concerned about the CANDY! These mother fuckers are destorying perfectly good candy bars, and for what… just to hurt a couple shithead kids? You could easily just do that with a quick acceleration with your car when they’re in the crosswalk. But the CANDY! Don’t use innocent Snicker’s bars for your evil half-assed schemes!
And they are half-assed schemes! I’m sorry, I know a lot of kids are bloody DUMB these days, but how in the hell do you ACCIDENTALLY bite into a razorblade?! Sure, when I get a Fun-Sized candy bar, I cram the entire thing in my mouth without thinking anything of it. The damn things are just slightly bigger than a quarter anyway! I like to eat them as if they were going to run away if I didn’t dispose of them quick. However, even I would probably notice SOMETHING is askew.
Let’s take a step back, let’s figure out what this’ll actually achieve. Let’s say you manage to get a child to nom on a slicer. What then? He fucks up his soft palate? What is the goal here? You can’t KILL a kid with a razorblade unless the lil’ shit actually managed to SWALLOW the fuck-damn thing. Look, I’m really hoping the kid notices that there is a sharp piece of metal in the candybar BEFORE he pushes it down his throat.
“Hey… peanuts… caramel… nugget… metal? That’s not on the wrapper…”
So, the only way it could really be FATAL is if they managed to swallow it. So assuming they can’t do that, all that it does is cuts up their mouth and gives them a shitty day.
Alright, so you want to harm children. But you can’t SEE the results. No gratification for our crazy ass bad guy. Do you just leave it up to chance that your plan is a success? That’s pretty sad. You could do so much better Mr. Kid Hater. Seriously.
So, you’re going to go ahead and screw with MY candy, just to push an agenda that really serves zero purpose. Congratulations, Mr. Kid Hater, you’ve made my shit list for eternity. Lucky for you it’s a pretty big list, and it’s crowded near the top, so the odds of me getting to you during my revenge binge are pretty slim.
Listen folks, if you’ve learned one thing from me today, let it be this:
Candy is serious business. Please don’t use it for evil schemes. It’s blasphemous, and it’s wrong. Please? I asked nicely…
