The Space Race

Just when I thought I was going to run out of things to rant about… NASA goes and blows up the fuckin’ MOON!

It actually happened, folks. After all the studies, after all the exploraton, the “genuises” at NASA finally snapped and went after a giant rock in space with a vengence. They fired a rocket right AT the son of a bitch. And they didn’t even ask me first! All I’m asking is maybe a phone call?

“Hey Bob, it’s NASA. So, here’s the deal. We’re gonna blow up the moon and… is that ok with you?”

“FUCKING NO IT’S NOT OK YOU SOCIOPATH! It’s the damn MOON! WE NEED THAT you dimwit!!!”

I don’t know if NASA knew this, but the Moon serves a purpose. It’s not just a hunk of rock sitting their without purpose. It’s not Utah.

NASA did it without warning. Not even a letter or anything. Just popped up one day and said “Well, guess we’ll shoot shit at the moon now”. They could have at least dropped a mass email or something. I mean, blowing up the moon is a fairly BIG FUCKING DECISION!

And what if it fucked up? I half expect to walk out of my house this evening and see a large chunk of the moon floating away from the rest of it. I could imagine the big-wig nerds up in NASA walking into a press conference:

“Yeah um… we used a little TOO much power behind those rockets. Yeah, it turns out 1.5 tons of TNT worth of pressure was a BIT of an overkill. We accidently broke the moon. And the piece is actually heading straight for us. We’ll all be blown to smithereens in a few days. Sorry about that. We’ll take full blame for that one. But the good news is… the fuckin’ Russians didn’t get to blow up the moon first! HAHA Take that you Commie bastards!”

They even attempted to film the whole thing. They wanted a big fireworks show to show off their epic strength. The issue was: They fucked up filming it. Nothing exciting happened at all. One member of the viewing team even described it as “Anticlimatic”. Saying, “I was hoping for a big flare or flash or something”. That’s NASA, always professional. I kinda get the feeling that they did this just to see what it would look like to viciously murder a moon. I can’t even believe they did it!

But they damn well did do it. And their justification? It may have water! WATER! That’s right folks, we, the Water-Fuck-Planet want to jack the moon’s water supply. I guess being made up of 71% of it just wasn’t enough. We need the moon’s water for important things. Like filling up Aquafina bottles, or building new wave pools in Wisconsin Dells.

The actual reason is obvious: Extended space stays. That’s right, my Earth-Grounded friends, we’re colonizing outer space,and we’re jackin’ the Moon’s liquid to do it. It’s mainly ice that we’re looking for. And if I’m not mistaken, mining ice from a rock is actually a plot from Battlestar Galactica. Once we colonize a giant space station out there, we will actually be LIVING the damn show!

Now, let me take a step back. When I say WE are going to be able to stay in space, I don’t mean WE as in you and me. Not us, the lower-middle class. No no, I mean WE as in rich white people. That’s who will get to go into space. That’s probably what this is about. Making space liveable so that rich white people have a place to go once the shit hits the fan down here. That’s it, the title of the blog. White people are the space race. The privilaged ones who will get to colonize outer space when the planet becomes unliveable. Or more unliveable…er than it is now.

We’re going to use the moon to sustain our Rich Pricks in Space program. Isn’t that just friggin’ dandy?! Once we build our self-sustaining space stations, we can start providing Rich Pricks with the essential services they needed and enjoyed here on Earth. Golf Course. Cigar Clubs. Saunas for “business transactions”*. And of course Space Hookers… er… I mean “Space Escorts”

*This may or may not be code for “awkward homosexual experiences involving tiny towls on fat white guy genitals”

I’m starting to believe that the world will actually end in 2012 like predicted. Why? Because by 2011 we’ll have that Rich Prick haven orbiting Mother Gaia, and all the trash spewed out of it will fill up our atmosphere and block out the sun, hence killing all us poor fucks and minorities.

It’s a shame that the next frontier will be wasted on the Rich Pricks. I have a theory on who we SHOULD send into space. Athiests. And the gays. That’s right. No one wants them down here, since this planet is slowly being over-run by religious nutbags. So why not send all their enemies up into space, away from them. They can enjoy the Earth. You know, the Earth where man walked around, mounted on their Dinosaur steed. Give space to the Anti-Christs of the world. Open up giant galactic abortion clinics in space, using the Moon’s resources as a means to wash off the blood. How about big gay civil union stations, where gays can peaceful get married to each other and love each other for ever… far the fuck away from where they can cause horrible devestation to the American family on Earth. Maybe a giant Satanist club where Earth sends us goats every day to sacrifice to fulfill our heathen desires.

Or perhaps we can just turn it into a giant amusement park. A George Lucas theme, of course. In fact, why don’t we just build all this shit on his dime. Yeah, he’s just a big enough egomaniac to build a space station in his name. And who could possibly be a better representative of the Rich White Pricks Who Want To Live In Space demographic? George Lucas could be the Rich Prick President of The Moon!

Now I know what you’re thinking: “Bob, you sure are a sexy bitch.” You may also be thinking: “Bob, you’re blowing this way out of proportion. It’s not like they actually blew UP the moon, just made a lil’ crater or two in the name of science!” Perhaps you’re right, perhaps you’re weird for calling me a sexy bitch, either way, it’s still fun to think of the possibilities this endeavor opens up for us as a people.

I’d like to end this with a quote taken from one of the articles about what NASA is calling the “Moon Pwning Expedition”. While discussing where the ice may or may not be on the moon, Michael Bicay, director of science at Ames, had this awkward statement to make:

“We may have hit a dry hole rather than a wet hole”

I’ll allow YOU to read the sexual innuendo there, because I am far too busy laughing and crying at the same time.

Alright, that’s enough on this. Don’t want to get TOO topical. Besides, my networth just went up, meaning I’m now a Rich Prick. See you on the Space Station Waste Of 79 Million Dollars! We’ll get a Space Escort and have a “business transaction” in the sauna. And it’ll all be at the Moon’s expense! YAY!