If You’re Reading This, You’re Too Close (To Pissing Me Off)

“I’d Rather Be Fishing”

I do not care. Bumper stickers are right up there next to Tyler Perry movies on the list of things that need to stop being made. Can’t you find a better way of expressing yourself than slapping someone’s mass-produced one liner on the back of your Primer-Colored ‘87 Oldsmobile?

Do you honestly think I care that your child is an honor student? I don’t. In fact, fuck your kid. Damn over-achiever. Reminds me of my own short comings. That makes me angry. You should pay! See, your pointless bragging just induced mild road rage. And a tear in my eye.

Hugs not Drugs? Build Homes not Bombs? Vote Dole in ‘96? Do you think a little sticker on the dented bumper in front of me is going to really make me take your political views seriously? Wow, he must really believe in Green Peace, he has a “Hug A Tree” sticker on the back of his Hummer H3.

“My Other Car Is A Mercedes”. No it is not! If it is… than why are you always driving around in that lime green Geo Metro? Do you happen to have a bumper sticker on that Mercedes that reads “My Other Car Only Has Three Hubcaps”?

Oh, and Jesus may love you, but I don’t want to read a short essay on it when we’re stuck at a red light. Do you think slapping one of those little Jesus fish on the back window of your car is going to give you some sort of Divine protection when Mr. Cell-Phone-In-One-Hand-Eight-Dollar-Cup-Of-Coffee-In-The-Other-Driving-With-My-Knees guy side swipes you into a utility pole? It isn’t!

Funny has no business on the freeway either. The humorous bumper sticker is on the same level as the t-shirts with one liners on them. They both should bring heavy bodily harm on the person displaying them. Leave the witty lines to the stereotypical black guy on your evening sitcoms, and keep the puns off the road! You really want me to chuckle while I’m operating heavy machinery? Sure, and while I’m letting out a back of the car induced gut laugh, I can plow head long into a short bus and kill fifteen retarded children. Good deal.

And can that little guy stop peeing on things already? First, it was just on the Ford symbol. Now’ he’s dropping liquid gold on everything. Here’s an idea. How about I pee on your car, and we’ll see if it’s still funny, you prick-face.

I don’t care what radio station you listen to. Or what your favorite sports team is. So enough with those stickers too. Thanks to those stickers, I now know that the guy in front of my really loves Bachman Turner Overdrive. He only has 83 stickers with their name on them obstructing the view out of his back window. Good, now he won’t see me coming when I speed up and bump his piece of crap car off this overpass for listening to shitty music.

I’m going to put the brakes on this high speed rant now, and leave you with the secret behind what every bumper sticker on the interstate really reads:

“Here’s A Bumper Sticker. Are You Paying Attention To Me Yet?”

No, we aren’t. Now get out of the damn way!