The internet. Something of a modern wonder. Ever since it’s creation, it has existed much like an amoeba. One website becomes two, two become four, and it just kept going. Growing and growing, into a now-uncontrollable beast of burden.
And so, here we are. The current day of the internet. You look around, and the sheer amount of information being passed from computer to computer is staggering. And the fact that rule 34 seems to be completely true lends itself to this astonishing nature. Since there is so much to do in the realm of the interwebs, there is no surprise that it attracts large amounts of people at any given moment.
And like any large scale gathering of people, there are a cock-load of assholes and douchebags running rampant like fleas on the ass of a dog.
That’s right. Today, I’d like to discuss the wonder of the “troll”.
“Post Your Comment”
“Submit Your Stuff”
Sure, you read these as they are written, but a troll’s eyes see things in a much different light. The douchewater that pours through their heads in place of actual brain matter leaks into their eye-units, and they read those three statements as follows:
“Be A Total Crotchweed!”
“Submit badly drawn Microsoft Paint pictures of Penis’ and giggle like a 6 year old”
Let’s focus on that middle one though: “attention”. Ever wondered what trolls eat? It’s not children or billy goats, but attention. They feed off it like a parasite feeds of the life of another. The more attention is fed to the troll, the more they evolve into an unstoppable pile of feces. Every time you tell them to go fuck themselves in their troll-ears, they come back with “YER MOM! LOLZ!” Attention only makes them stronger.
As such, they are a difficult demon to excercise. I know, you’re looking for a solution. You’re waiting for me to come up with some master plan to rid the world of the ever-present troll. I don’t have one. They’re always going to be there. However, this doesn’t mean that you can’t at least fuck with them.
The best I can offer? I suggest using IP addresses to find out who they are, and then proceeding to murder their family. Go ahead and leave the heads of their loved ones on their door step. Their door step will be easy to find, because once you kill their parents you just leave the heads by the door to the basement. When they come up to get more Mountain Dew or towels to clean the splurge off their keyboard, they trip over their mom’s head and realize: “Oh noes! I will has to get a job and my own place! THIS WILL NOT DO!” And the pressure of having to be an actual useful human being will actually cause their heads to explode.
However, if you don’t feel like beheading elderly people and sticking their heads on the end of brooms in a way similar to Marie Antoinette, then you’ll just have to try and understand the troll. And you’re in luck, because that is something I actually can help with. Just call me the Troll Whisperer!
Why? That’s the question that’s filtering through your head. Why do they do what they do, Troll Whisperer? It’s difficult to say for sure, but here are a few basic facts about trolls that could aid in finding an answer:
1) Trolls are inept at human interaction. They don’t make friends, they sure as hell don’t get laid, and they totally lack the ability to be worth knowing in general. Usually, they’re unattractive, smell like a wet bag of old gym socks, and have an over-all personality which makes you wish space debris would break orbit and kill them. Or you. Whichever.
2) Trolls lack any creative ability. Not even a small inkling. They can’t make their own forums, their own websites, their own blogs, their own art, so they attempt to urinate all over the work of others. You can usually see their utter lack of intellect simply on the comments they choose to post. They usually go much like “Ur so stupid, lolz” or “U r teh sucks, lolz”. Note the fact they “Laugh out loud” at their own poorly executed insult. A sure sign you’re dealing with someone who isn’t worth the flesh they occupy.
3) Trolls are unloved by anyone or thing. Mom and dad are ashamed that their son (and 999 out of 1000 times it’s a male. A female troll is a rare sight indeed!) is a total failure. The opposite sex looks at them much like they would look at a leper. Hell, even their pets hate them. “Come here, Fido” “Fuck off, you whiny cunt. I’m a dog. I have standards!”
4) Trolls have spare time like you wouldn’t believe. You know how you go to work, enjoy the outdoors, have hobbies, talk to people, have copious amounts of sexual intercourse with supermodels (that’s not just me, is it?), even go so far as to occasionally bathe? Yeah well, the troll doesn’t have that luxury. The troll is too busy sitting online, google image searching the word “Vagina” and looking around /b/ for pictures someone else created that they can post on forums to appear to be witty.
So, from these things we can figure out why trolls need the attention they so obviously crave. They are unloved, ignored, and usually insulted on a regular basis. They just want someone to “Like” their “hilarious” comment on Youtube. Just one lil’ green thumbs up will feed their fragile ego for the day.
Do we take pity on the troll? Do we take the five seconds to click that thumb? Do we lol at their comment? Fuck no. They’re not even worth that much time out of your day. Why communicate with these sacks of fucktard juice when you could do something more worthwhile with your time. Like stare at a wall. Or scratch your ass. Or scratch your ass while staring at a wall. Hell, even just completely spacing out and losing track of an hour of your life is more worthwhile than acknowledging these cock munchers exist.
The next step to understanding the wild Troll, is to look at the various types of troll. If “troll” is the Genus, then we must look at the Species. Here is just a FEW of the types of Troll you may stumble across during your time in the world wide web.
The Stealth Ninja Troll
“Hmm, is this guy a troll or just a bit weird? He seems normal enough, he took the time to capitalize letters and write out full words. I mean, the comments are actually making some sense and… NOPE, total troll. God dammit…”
Sometimes a troll likes to camouflage himself as a normal, useful human being. They’ll participate and act like a typical average person. However, a troll cannot resist it’s natural urges, and eventually they’ll make it pretty obvious they’re a douche fountain in disguise.
The Mush-Mouthed Troll
Sometimes trolls just flat-out make zero sense. You can see that they intended on saying words, but all that came out was an orgy of bad internet speak and unintelligible nonsense. You can usually spot this troll from a mile away. As you’re scrolling through the forum pages, you’ll notice occasional posts that look like someone vomited a bowl of Alphabet’s cereal on your screen. Beware, if you actually stop and attempt to read these posts, urine will shoot out of your eyes. This is your brain pissing itself in fear, for it just had a near-death experience.
The Screaming Banshee Troll
FUCK YOU COMPUTER KEYBOARD AND YOUR STUPID FUCKING CAPS LOCK! Trolls can’t resist the urge to e-yell at you. Nothing gets more attention than huge fully capitalized sentences. They’re literally screaming “PLEASE PAY ATTENTION TO ME!”. You may also notice a phenomenon known as “Exclamation Point Rape”. “YOU ARE SO STUPID!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11111oneoneoneoneone”. Never in my life did I think we would actually have to legally get a form of punctuation removed from all keyboards. The exclamation point did nothing to you, why do you have to victimize it so?! Let me say this in a way you’ll understand: STOP TYPING LIKE THIS OR I’LL CUT OFF YOUR TINY BALLS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The Gaytarded Troll
If inanimate objects, things you say, and videos had sexual preferences, they would apparently all be homosexual. This troll can’t come up with anything to say about anything except that it’s totally gay. Your gay. Your picture is gay. Your video is gay. What you just said is so gay. GAY! GAAAAAAAAY. It’s such a fun word. Gay gay gay. You know what’s really gay?! EVERYTHING!
Trolls seem to be unable to express dislike without drawing into question the thing they don’t like’s sexuality. I can just imagine them sitting there at breakfast.
“I bought new cereal, what do you think?”
“Eww! These Fruity Pebbles are totally gay!”
Now, putting aside the fact that Fruity Pebbles kinda ARE a bit gay, this would get annoying as the day progressed:
“Ow, I stubbed my toe! This table leg is such a fag. It’s a table fag!”
“You have prostate cancer…”
“Prostate cancer is in your butt, right? My tumor likes to be inside men’s butts! That tumor is such a gaylord!”
Hell, even the end of the world has homosexual tendencies:
“Oh god, the sun is collapsing! The world as we know it is going to cease to exist!”
“The sun is such a queer! Lulz. Am I right? AM I RIGHT?! Hah… heh… I’m going to die a virgin…”
The Disliking Troll
“Thanks for posting this!” 1 person Dislikes this.
The fuck, how can you dislike a totally mundane and unthreatening post like this… Oh, it must be the Disliking Troll. For some reason, the fact that a Thumbs down button exists just draws the attention of the troll. If that button was a “This is totally gay” button, the troll would dump a happiness load. But until that happens, they’ll just have to settle for neg rep’s and thumbs-downs for no reason to show you just how superior they are to you. In their minds at least.
You see, they expect you to log on and see that someone “disliked” your opinion or negative rep’d your forum post and just start crying. I mean, is their any bigger insult than to be negative rep’d?! It’s like watching someone stab your mother repeatedly in the face! The pain is so unbearable. That little red thumbs down is going to be the only thing you’ll be able to see for the rest of your life. It’ll haunt your dreams. Everytime you think you’re doing something good, it’ll appear out of nowhere. Your very gravestone will just be a giant negative rep. How ever will you live? No, wait, what I meant to say is that disliking something holds less than zero power over a person, making it a completely useless gesture. My mistake.
The Counter-Troll Troll
I, uh, can’t find a picture for this one… sorry.
But yeah, the Counter-Troll Troll. If there is one thing trolls don’t like, it’s other trolls. Troll Two is stealing the attention that is rightfully saved for Troll One! How dare they! Troll Vs. Troll fights are breathtaking. Like staring at a shooting star going through a waterfall AND a rainbow while in a canyon during a sunset. It’ll blow your fuckin’ mind. The level of stupidity that goes into a Troll Vs. Troll battle royale is beyond imagination.
“Psh, ur mom’s gehy!”
Stunning, isn’t it. The Counter-Troll Troll essentially breaks rule number one in dealing with trolls: Don’t feed the trolls.
That’s what it all comes down to. “Don’t Feed the Trolls”.
If you start to pay attention to the trolls, they eat it up like candy. OM NOM NOM ATTENTION. There are three types of food to provide to trolls:
1) Counter-Troll Chow – I discussed this already. Trolls eat the droppings of other trolls. It’s gross, but sometimes you do what you have to to survive. And if that means eating Troll Crap, so be it.
2) Fuck-Off Troll Snacks – If you tell a troll off, it’s like trying to put out a fire with gasoline. You’re just going to get more fire. Trolls love when you get mad. It means they have power over your emotional output. They are in control. You played right into their grubby Cheetos-stained claws. You’re now a gaytard. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.
3) Reasoning Flakes – Don’t you EVER try to be a reasonable human being with a troll! Speaking in a calm, mature, respectful manner only makes a troll enter hyper-mode. Not only will you be counter-attacked with a barrage of “GAY!!!!!!” bombs, but you’ll never in a million years actually make them realize how stupid they’re being. No amount of “Come on, we’re all just trying to enjoy this web forum. Couldn’t you tone it down or go somewhere else? If you don’t like it, don’t read it. This is a place where everyone should feel welcome. What are you trying to achieve with your comments?” will save you. No matter what, a troll cannot be reasoned with. You should handle a troll much like the American government handles terrorists. No, I don’t mean you should fail to find the troll you were looking for and instead kill another troll, I mean you shouldn’t try to negotiate with them. It’ll never work. No matter how decent you are
So, how do you deal with trolls. You play the Ignore card. That’s it. Trolls will not go away. They’ll just sit in front of their computer and continue their nonsense until they perish. And even then they’ll live on through a new generation of douche monkey. All you can really do is ignore them, or at least have a bit of fun with them, and then go about your merry way. Let them have their fun, because eventually they’ll piss off the wrong person and get e-mailed a computer virus that deletes all their porn. And without porn, the internet troll’s depression will overwealm them and they’ll kill themselves. And the world will be a better place.
So, trolls, go kill yourself. Seriously. I’m not even kidding. Just don’t leave a mess. No one wants to clean up after you.